Day 7 of Judaism - Ritual, Relationship and Reason

Ritual
Ritual is obviously very important to the Jewish Religion. Thinking of Judaism for me brings to mind a people set apart by tradition and ritual:

• The bris, circumcizing their sons and a celebration on the child's 8th day of life
• The bar-mitzvah and bah-mitzvah, coming-of-age parties for children turning 13.
• Pesach, or Passover - the acknowledgment of God's hand in liberation from Egypt.
• Shabbat, time set apart every single week to worship God

Hundreds of other little (and big) things are unique to the Jewish tradition... sacrificial rituals, the Ten Commandments, the Ark of the Covenant, Chanukah (Hanakkuh), dreidels and matzah balls, Mezuzahs, tefillin, the songs, reading the Torah in Hebrew...

[Repost] Submission is NOT a dirty word.

I will be posting a story of a Jehovah's witness in the next couple days, but this weather, and me being under it, has taken a toll on my energy level, so I'm reposting an article from October on submission. :) Enjoy, and sorry for the repeat!


Most names of religions are derived from the name of the founder of that religion, or something related: Christianity is obviously derived from Christ. Judaism from the tribe of Judah and the region of Judea. Buddhism from the teacher, Buddha. Hinduism from the region in which it was founded, Hind. Confucianism was named after Confucius, Zoroastrianism after Zoroaster, and the list goes on.

Islam is one of the only world religions not named for someone or somewhere. The word Islam, in fact, is an Arabic word that means simply “submission” [to God]. It comes from the root Salema, which means “peace, submission and obedience."

The main foundational action in Islam is submission to God: being in a state of purposeful surrender to God’s laws and directives. And one of the things Islam emphasizes is the choice; embracing Islam means to embrace submission. It means to make a choice to submit to God.

Is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints a cult? 21 Questions!

In 2007, FOXNews ran a story called “21 Questions Answered About the Mormon Faith.”
The following is excerpts from that article:

FOXNews.com compiled a list of 21 questions representing some widely held beliefs and misconceptions about Mormonism and posed them to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
The Church objected to answering some of the questions on the grounds that they misrepresent the basic tenets of the Mormon religion.

"Many of these questions are typically found on anti-Mormon blogs or Web sites which aim to misrepresent or distort Mormon doctrines," the Church said in a statement. "Several of these questions do not represent ... any serious attempt to depict the core values and beliefs of its members."

interfaith combustion

Light Explosion by MindStep

I recieved a comment today on this post about Islamic stages of life that made my day and reminded me what this project is about. Janie writes:

"...as I try to catch up on your postings, I am overhelmed at the vast similarities in different faiths. I feel like I could take my faith (LDS) and our beliefs of the Plan of Salvation and check off all of the similarities to these beliefs. We too believe we lived before this life - this life is a short journey - we will all be in the spirit world waiting until judgment day - and denying God after you have truly KNOWN him is a very heinous sin - but many people who consider themselves 'religious' have not developed a knowledge of God. this is so fascinating I talked my husband's ears off about your blog late into the night - and I said my night nightly prayer in the submission pose like a Muslim does, just to see if I felt the spirt stronger. I did think it helped me to listen in my heart better after my prayer was done. "

When I started this project, it was NOT because I wanted to write yet another theological or academic book on women, feminism, or religion. The only "Academic" part of my project is the research I've done into the religions as I write, but only so that I understand where they are coming from, not so that I can delve into theology about fundamental belief systems. This project is, and always has been, about how women relate to God in the context of their faith.

How to be a Muslim, Mormon, or Christian for 30 days!!

When I interviewed Emily about Mormonism here for my blog, she also included an interesting side note. She saw that I had practiced Islam for 30 days, and added at the end of the interview what I would need to do to practice Mormonism for 30 days as well! This was such a great idea, that I am posting it here for all to see. As a refresher, I'm also posting what would need to be done as an Evangelical Christian as well as what would need to be done as a Muslim. It's interesting to see the differences! :)

Day 30 - Uncovering (and) [Insert Opinion Here]

I apologize for not having blogged this week, I have been sick and sleeping during all of my free time, so blogging took a back burner.

Day 30 came and went on Wednesday, and found me going to the grocery store for Halloween candy and cold medicine. I wore one of Mark's short-sleeved t-shirt over yoga pants.

I have to say, when I went to the grocery store uncovered not only was I FREEZING, I felt almost naked without my protective wrap of scarf and shirt!! Much like when I first started wearing hijab, I felt that people were looking at me in my "nakedness"!!

I also realized that taking off my hijab caused another issue that was unexpected. The hijab is almost a barrier between myself and being judged. Stay with me here. When I wear hijab, I am telling people right at the get-go that I am Muslim. There is a very slim chance that they will judge me later - either they want to be nice to me as a Muslim, or they don't. I'm putting it out there and by putting it all out there, risking less chance of rejection later on - at least on the religious choices spectrum. It is, in that way, a wall between myself and the outside world, and if people are willing to still talk to me, be friends with me, reach out to me, I know up front that they are ok with the fact that I am a Muslim. Unlike when they find out after talking to me that I am, in fact, NOT a super-Christian, or that I AM a Christian, or a Mormon, etc.

Being a Muslim did not particularly change my life all that much. Not eating pork was a little challenging, given my love of pizza, but it was do-able. Following the rules of washing and praying was an adjustment, but after getting used to it, was easy. The pre-dawn prayers were the hardest for me, and the lunch time prayers, while I thought they would be difficult, being how I was at work during that time, were easier.

I learned a number of things about the religion that I shared with you... and here are my thoughts: [End Objectivism, Begin Opinion]

1. The women I met are modern women with rights and lives outside of their homes. In theory. The fact that they CHOOSE to be submissive to their husbands, go home immediately in the middle of a girls' night because their husband refuses to change a baby diaper, reschedule meetings because their husbands' meetings trump theirs, can't follow a career path because their husband doesn't want to be bothered with picking up the slack for a working wife... those things separate them from what a non-religious modern woman might deal with. However, those are things that, regardless of how far women have come, many MANY women deal with, regardless of how "liberated" we technically are. My concern was the lack of ambition and goals outside of family that many Muslim women have. I understand the importance of family, but I also understand the importance of fulfillment. Sometimes (not all the time), in my experience, just reproducing and raising children and being married, cooking dinners, cleaning house does not a fulfilled woman make.

2. I was stunned by the number of Muslim people who don't value America in the same way I do. I was stunned that 1 out of 4 AMERICAN Muslim young men between 18 and 30 said they didn't condemn the terrorist attacks on 9/11. I was stunned to find that statistic true in both the articles I read and the people I met - who may not agree with the taking of innocent lives, but justified the reason those lives were taken. I was stunned that American Muslims are not American first. I had to examine myself and find out - was I a Christian first or an American first, particularly when I was actively involved in Christian life? I came to the conclusion that I was American first. "God AND Country" was how I was brought up, God having almost equal footing with America. America representing the ideals of how I could live my life and how far my potential could reach, and God being the boundary to guide my character. While there might have been a time once when I thought, as the Christian right does, that this country was (is) a Christian country founded on Christian ideals, I would never have supported the idea of removing all religious freedom except that of the Christian. I find that many American Muslims would do just that, making this an Islamic nation, and, like the Christian right, reducing or eliminating the rights of others to choose another religion.

When you take a group of people from countries that hate America, and have been trained all their life to hate America (for valid reasons, in many cases), then you transplant them as adults or young adults to American soil for education and opportunity, it is no surprise that they continue to see the viewpoint of countries who hate America. I'm not saying it is their fault, I'm simply saying that it was surprising to me.

3. Another surprise for me was how politically and culturally entrenched the religion is as a whole. Many of the rituals practiced are cultural hand-me-downs, continued to be practiced in a culture where they are no longer as relevant. It was difficult to separate the religion from the culture in which it was formed. I had expected, going in, that the religion was practiced in its pure form - unlike, I thought, the diluted and Americanized form of Christianity we practice here. Not so. Islam has the same difficulties with cultural influence that we have in Christian churches, the only difference is that theirs is a convergence of two opposing cultures influencing the religion.

More reflections (read: opinions) to come... :-)

Day 28 - The Quran

As you probably realize by now, the Quran is the Muslim "bible"... and beyond that, it guides them on prettymuch every aspect of life. It is the dictionary to a Scrabble game - consulted on almost every issue that comes up in a Muslim life.

According to the Quran, it is "the Book in which there is no doubt, in it is guidance for those who fear God, who believe in the unseen...and who believe in that which was sent down to you [Muhammad], and that which was sent down before you (the Books and the prophets - ie, the old Testament) and have certain faith in the hereafter. The are on (true) guidance from their Lord, and it is these who will prosper." Quran 2:2-5

Whew. I think in that glowing accolade, the Quran was basically just swearing that it is the Truth, the Whole Truth, and nothing BUT the Truth! That said, it probably is a tiny bit biased on its accuracy. Considering that it is claiming to be the truth, and that claim not by an objective third party. I'm just saying.

So what evidence supports the Quran's claim of authenticity? Supposedly, it is the only "revealed book" that exists today in the precise form and content in which it was originally revealed.
Even if the Quran has been preserved, what evidence supports that it is the Word of God and not simply Muhammad's(pbuh) own writings?

How can you be sure that parts haven't been lost or "misplaced"?

Apparently, during Muhammad's lifetime, the book was written down AND memorized as it was revealed. The written portion was checked against the memorized portion and vice-versa. Interestingly, it is one of the only books that has been memorized in its entirity by millions of people!

Nonetheless, we are taking the word of Muhammad and his group of disciples/followers that this is exactly what God said, much like the Bible, so an element of faith is inherent in the belief that this is the infallible Word of God.

In my mind, you cannot prove a fact with evidence from the same source - it comes down to the parental answer to the question "why?" - "Because I said so." Oh really? Because you said? Well, then that makes it fact, right?

So, faith in hand, Muslims believe as fact that the Quran is the speech of God written by Muhammad. If you take this as a given, then the question remains whether it is still in its original form. Historically, the Arabic society has excelled at story-telling and has a strong oral tradition, so the idea that the Quran could have been memorized and passed along verbatim is not SO far-fetched. Additionally, one must keep in mind that the Quran was written in 600 AD, and while that was not the present age of document preservation and provable evidence, it was nonetheless written in a relatively MORE modern time than other documents, such as the Old Testament and New Testament. It was written over 500 years after the New Testament was complete, and over 100 years after the entire Bible had been translated into 500 languages. Given the relative technology and records that the world had at that time, it is definitely believable that this book could have been kept in its original form, especially considering that it had but one author, who wrote the entire thing during his lifetime. Additionally, it was written in the same primary language of the religion, unlike other books (the Bible).

Outside of that, the Quran does seem to have knowledge of scientific things that were only discovered years later, which bolsters its claim to being a prophetic book - for instance, the Quran described the planet earth as a sphere and egg-shaped ("like and ostrich egg" Quran 79:30). This claim wasn't proven scientifically for another 900 years or so.
The Quran describes the development of a fetus in rough but accurate terms as well in surah 23:12-14.

So I guess you'd have to say, unless you were alive in 600 AD when the Quran was being written, that you will have to take a measure of it's historical accuracy and literary preservation on faith. And, truly, you would need to take the accuracy of other such religious texts on faith in like fashion.

But I think even without the 100% knowledge that what is written is exactly as it was 600 years ago, most Muslims would tell you that they abide by the principles therein because of their independent value - they do what the book says not only because they believe it to be the word of God, but because it just makes sense to them. So there you have it.

Note, as a reader commented, although the words of the Quran were spoken by Muhammad and thereafter written down, he was not the one with pen in hand writing these words, he only spoke what he felt Allah said to him. Scribes and/or followers copied down the words.

Day 25 - Parenting

For a religion that tells you which side of your body to wash first in the bathtub, is it any wonder that Islam has quite a number of instructions regarding parenting as well? As I was learning the information regarding parenting in Islam, I found that there was one thing that surprised me (the stance on breastfeeding), as well as a few things that are just good practices for ANYONE, regardless of their religion!

Breastfeeding: It was interesting to me to see that the Quran specifically addresses breastfeeding! Not just to DO it, but the length of time that is recommended, what to do if the mother cannot (or will not) breastfeed, and what happens in the case of a divorce...

“The mothers shall give suck to their offspring for two whole years, if the father desires to complete the term. But he shall bear the cost of their food and clothing on equitable terms if they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no blame on them. If ye decide on a foster-mother for your offspring there is no blame on you, provided ye pay (her) what ye offered, on equitable terms. But fear Allah and know that Allah sees well what ye do.” (2:233)

Parents and Children:
"Rights" of various people are emphasized frequently in the Quran, probably due to the Arabic society from which Islam originated which disregarded almost every right of anyone except an Arabic Male.

The mothers in particular have an important role in child-rearing (since that is their major obligation) much more so than the father, who is ordered to provide for the family and go out to work and to war. Islam reinforces the family as the most basic social unit. It encourages children to thank their parents, most particularly the Mother, who has had to be pregnant with the child, delivery, sacrifice, breastfeeding, and care/nurture for the child. It's an interesting side note that Muhammad (pbuh) himself was an orphan and probably had some elevated ideas about how it would be to have parents and how he would treat them if he did. In addition to saying in short that a mother should be cared for and loved at least three times more than a father, Muhammad (pbuh) goes a step further to say that doing good and caring for your mother will result in points for your good bucket. "Paradise lies under the feet of the mother."


RIGHTS OF PARENTS:
(1) To be respected and obeyed [by their children]. This one made me laugh a little bit - you can give me a badge and a gun with that unconditional respect and obedience, and I doubt my children will still respect that RIGHT of mine 100% of the time!! The Prophet (pbuh) further mentions that if a child "annoys" or "disobeys" their parent, it can and will lead to God's wrath. Perhaps this would be a bigger motivator?
(2) To discipline and guide in order to protect the child and mold them into a fine upstanding citizen and Muslim. (The Quran even says spanking is A-Okay)
(3) To be looked after, should they become ill, old, or otherwise unable to look after themselves, financially in particular.
::“People ask you (O Prophet) how should they spend. Say, ‘whatever you spend should be spent on Allah (in good cause), on parents, near relatives, on orphans, destitutes and travelers (who fall short of money in foreign lands).”::
(4) To be helped physically (with cleaning, lifting, or any manner of things they need help with).
(5) To be spoken to and behaved toward kindly. Including NOT putting them into nursing homes, being kind and respectful (no matter how crazy and old they are).


RIGHTS OF CHILDREN:
(1) Food, clothes, protection (both physical and moral)
(2) Education - religious and bookish knowledge is required. The goal - to develop a well-rounded personality. The Prophet (pbuh) believed in education for ALL children, both girls and boys, and said once "The best of you is one who gives a good education to his children."
(3) Love and Affection - The Prophet (pbuh) emphasized the importance of love and affection for children. He was himself orphaned and assumedly devoid of that love and affection throughout his own childhood, so he sought to enforce upon the people around him the importance of love and affection of children. He even adopted an orphaned child and treated him as a son his whole life. Stories have it that the Prophet (pbuh) loved children greatly: He would allow his grandsons Hassan and Hussain to ride his shoulders even during his prayers. In streets he would offer ‘salaam’ to children, play and cut jokes with them. Sometimes he would even kiss small children in the street. Once a Bedouin saw the Prophet kissing a small kid. Out of wonder he said, “I have eight children but I never kiss them”. The Prophet remarked, “What can I do if Allah has taken away love and compassion from your heart”. The Prophet would show special kindness to orphaned children.
(4) To be well provided for financially - it was emphasized that parents should be concerned with what they are leaving behind for their children - not spending their money on themselves and their material possessions, but laying up stores to provide for their children

These are great principles for anyone to follow, regardless of whether they are Muslim or not!

Day 21 - Islamic Divorce (and Remarriage)



When I got divorced, it was a messy affair. My ex-husband wanted everything, and I just wanted my kids. We fought in court for YEARS trying to settle it. He who had most money won. (Not me.)

Divorce is never a good thing, and I wish it never had to take place. Anyone who has been through a divorce would agree with me: that while it may at times be necessary, it is never good.

Islam strongly discourages divorce, much like Christianity and Judaism, but it does make allowances for BOTH parties to be granted one. 

Divorce is strongly discouraged and should only be granted for a good reason.It has been said in Islam that divorce is the most hateful grievance to God, so the gravity of divorce should not be missed. Men are instructed not to divorce their wives until they have exhausted all of their resources, even if she is badly misbehaving (read: cheating on him). Arbitration is required to be attempted first (along with a few other things):
"As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct: 1. Admonish them, 2. Refuse to share their beds, 3. Beat them; but if they return to obediance seek not against them means of annoyance (don't take revenge): for Allah is Most High, Great (he'll take care of that). 4. If you fear a break between them, appoint two arbiters, one from his family and the other from hers; if they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation."

Uhhh.... wait just one seond there. BEAT HER? Really? Well, while modern Islamic scholars claim that this just means "berate her verbally until she yeilds", I think it's fair to say that this is disturbing to the prospective or current wife. However, it is specifically referring to "disloyalty and ill-conduct". While this could really be interpreted to mean a variety of things, I think its safe to say that infidelity is the main thing that falls under this category. So under Jewish law? The woman gets stoned for cheating. I guess I pick a beating over a stoning any day. (Not that I would cheat!)

If DO you choose to go through with divorce it is NOT a short process. For a husband to divorce a wife, he must pronounce that he is divorcing her. This cannot be done while she is on her period. (I find this humorous. I wonder how many men are tempted to pronounce divorce while their wives are PMS-ing?) He must pronounce it AFTER she has had her monthly period. He must then wait a month (at least) and pronounce it again after she has had her period. He must then wait a month and pronounce it a third time. There must be at least a month (but can be as long as you want) in between pronouncements, and it must follow her monthly period. The third time he pronounces it, they are divorced. That couple could not even change their mind and stay married after the third proclamation - No take-backs!

An interesting side note. The couple can get remarried to each other eventually, but not immediately. First, the (ex)wife has to find another man to marry, have sexual relations with him, and subsequently divorce him (although it is strictly forbidden to find and marry another man just so that you can divorce him and remarry your first husband). It is sort of a "buffer" marriage between the marriage and reconciliation of former spouses.

So who can divorce who?

The husband can divorce his wife with the three pronouncements of divorce, and this is called Talaq. If he divorces her, he cannot take back anything he has given her in the marriage, so she gets EVERYTHING in the divorce. (I'm for that part!)

The wife can also divorce her husband, through what is known as Khalu, which basically means she has to go to [a Muslim] court and sue for the divorce (perhaps in modern America, while there would be a legal system proceeding, there would also need to be a release from her marrige by the Imam). If she divorces HIM, she has to give back everything he's given her in the marriage.

I found an interesting story in the Bukhari hadith, where a woman came to the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and asked if she could dissolve her marriage. She didn't have a good reason, he was a good man, took care of her, didn't hit her, she just didn't like him and didn't want to spend the rest of her life with a man she didn't like. The Prophet said "Are you willing to give him back the marriage gifts?" She said yes, and he told her to be her merry way as a single woman (translation mine).

It seems that although divorce is difficult to achieve in almost any religion, women in Islam fare about as well (or better) than women in other religions. They have the right to request divorce (unlike Judaism), and, although it is discouraged, almost any reason will due (I just can't stand the SOB!).

Thanks to Shawn Rogers, for the lovely cupcakes pictured in this post. She made these for me after my divorce!

Day 16 - Stages of Life

Note: this is the layman's version of the Islamic stages of life and should be read as such.

A few weeks ago, on a Thursday morning, my ex-father-in-law woke my children, fixed them breakfast, helped them get dressed, and made sure their backpacks were full and zipped. Their dad had left before dawn to go to work that day, so Grandpa was helping out, and after buckling them up in his truck and driving them to school, he kissed them goodbye.

Lunches in hand, my children got out of his truck and walked into their school, never realizing that it was the last time they would see their Grandpa. That morning with my children was his heart's last act of love. As he drove out of the parking lot of their school only minutes after dropping them off, he had a massive heart attack, and kept driving beyond this world to the heavenly one.

He was a good man and a wonderful grandpa. In a family that I married into and treated me as an outsider, he always showed me love and grace. During the ordeal that was my divorce, he prayed for me every day, calling me "daughter", telling me that through all of the bitterness, that he loved me and prayed that we would all reach a place of peace. His prayers were daily, throughout his life. He first bowed his head and heart to God in the mornings before greeting his day. His head bowed at Thanksgiving, he would weep with gratitude at the blessings God had given him and all of us. His death unexpected, we were unprepared, surprised, gripped with the sadness that accompanies unforseen loss.

Throughout all of time, people have needed to know what happens after death. Where do loved ones go? Are people rewarded and go to a place of peace and rest, when they have lived a good life? Are evil people punished after death? Every religion I know of adresses the afterlife, and Islam even adresses the pre-life. In Islam there are 5 stages of life

Stage 1. There are no new souls. The first stage of life was at the beginning of time. God created all of the souls that would ever exist and spoke to them. He told them that he Created them, and they agreed that he was their Creator, and he was God. In reality, all souls according to Islam have accepted submission to God before life is even breathed into their body.

Stage 2. Life on earth is only a short portion of Life overall. When a soul inhabits a body at conception, it begins life on earth. That life continues until death. It is possibly the shortest phase of life in Islam, but also very important. It is only during this phase of life that you can choose relationship with God both intellectually and emotionally. It is only in this phase of life that you have the option of ignoring God altogether. It is in this phase only that your relationships with other souls matter. And in this phase, you can help others reach heaven.

Stage 3. Purgatory is also a place in Islam. After death, you are transported to a waiting room, where you will wait until all of the other souls cross over from pre-life through the earthly world, into the waiting place. You take with you no possessions, but you take deeds - both evil and good. I think of it as two buckets, a good bucket and a bad bucket. If you have accepted Islam and loved God, there is also grace that can make up the difference between the good and bad, should they be placed on a scale and the bad outweighs the good. Also, those left on earth can make supplication for you, do charity in your name, and those things still being done on earth can contribute to your good bucket. Your love of God, even if you don't know the "true" way of Islam is contributed to your good bucket as well.

Stage 4. Judgment Day. When all of the souls have crossed over from the beginning place through the earth and into the "purgatory" waiting room, God will judge every person. I think this probably takes a while. Can you imagine waiting in line and trying to work out in your head what God will say when you get your turn in line? Sounds like a stressful place to be, especially if you're not sure where you stand. God takes all of your good deeds and places them on a scale. Then he puts all of your bad deeds on the other side of the scale.

Stage 5. Heaven and/or Hell. Here's where it gets a little tricky:

a. If you have converted to Islam, you are covered by a "bridge policy" between your good and bad deeds that will hopefully make up the difference in grace, but only if you really loved God and lived a life that tried to please him. Those people will usually go straight to heaven.

b. If you had Islam (submission to God) presented to you in its truth and authentically, you are held responsible for that. If you reject the truth that was offered to you after you have seen it in authenticity, you are sent to hell. Rejecting God is the only reason you would get sent straight to hell, regardless of how good of a life you lived.
HOWEVER, if you had Islam presented to you, or you found out about it, in a way that was not true to the spirit of Islam (for instance, the only thing you knew about it was that Muslims flew into the towers on 9/11), you are not held accountable for having heard of Islam at all, so you fall into the next category. As well, if you have never heard of Islam at all, you fall into the next category (c).

c. If you did not convert to Islam (but did not reject submission to God in its truest form), you are judged based on your deeds without the "bridge policy." If your good deeds outweigh your bad, you can go on to heaven (keep in mind that people can add to your good deeds after you're dead). If your bad deeds outweight your good, you are "sentenced" to a term in what I call "hell prison." This is not death row, and after you serve your sentence, you can go over to heaven.

In essence, the only people who get a one-way ticket to hell are those people who either reject God altogether, or ascribe diety and equality of God with something else that is not God. For instance, if you believed in God/Allah, but you also believed the goddess Athena was equal in power and status as the main God.

It is comforting to think of your loved ones in the waiting room, waiting for you to cross over, and its also comforting to think that you can still work while on earth to assure their future with you in heaven.

Day 14 - An Islamic Approach to Miscarriage

When someone asks me how many children I have, I say three. Three beautiful, smart, funny children. But I really have four. The truth is, I had a pregnancy at 19, unplanned and unwanted. I was unmarried, and I was scared out of my mind. I didn't want to be pregnant, I didn't want the fallout that would occur when I told my friends and family. I told my best friend as a "test subject" and she said "Oh my god, I am so disappointed in you. How could you do this [horrible sin]?" I told my boyfriend (the baby's father) and he said, "You have ruined my life." (Like he had no part in it?!)

When I miscarried at 12 weeks, after weeks of throwing up everything I ate and exercising like a madwoman (at the time I was in the Air Force), I felt relief. Complete relief that I would not be having an unwanted baby, complete relief that I would not have to raise a child on my own or tell my parents or my pastor about my mistake. I also felt guilt. It was because of what I had done, running 5 miles a day, doing 3 floors of stairs five times after breakfast and five more after dinner. It was because I hadn't eaten right and because, most of all, I hadn't wanted this child. In short, I felt responsible for this.

The last thing I felt was sadness... because even if this wasn't the right time or place, it was part of me, and after knowing for 6 weeks that I was pregnant, I had begun to become attached to this being inside of me. The relief eventually faded, and the guilt and sadness grew into loss, and for years I mourned that child. When I later got married and didn't get pregnant, I felt that it was because of my sin, because in some way, God was punishing me for my feelings and my thoughts.

Motherhood is often intrinsically connected to our identity as a woman. I still think about that first baby I lost - how old she would be today, what she would look like, what her personality would have been like. I wonder if she would have been funny like me, if she would have been smart like her dad. Her name was Hope, and she has been for the past 12 years, a hole in my heart that I have filled with all the love I have as a mother.

As a mother, I don't know if there is a more painful experience than losing a child. You feel inadequate, you feel responsible, you feel guilty. I think across the board, all mothers feel this way to some extent. You feel like there had to be something different you could have done, something more to prevent this. Even when you read the science that miscarriage is nature's way of dealing with genetic abnormalities, that life couldn't have survived outside the womb, you still feel the loss of the soul that drifted beyond your grasp into the unknown.

In Islam, miscarriage is specifically addressed. The prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said "The miscarried fetus that I send before me is dearer to me than a rider whom I leave behind." He ackowledged the pain of miscarriage, and he acknowledged the real loss that a mother feels. He also says later "By him in whose Hand is my life, the miscarried fetus will drag his mother towards the paradise, with his navel string if she had shown the patience for the sake of reward from Allah."

Not only does Muhammad (pbuh) acknowledge the pain and loss of a miscarriage, he addresses the future. The child will be waiting in paradise  - his tie always intact with her, and his inate goodness pulling her toward her Creator.The beauty of this description of the child waiting and holding the bond with his/her mother beyond the grave offers comfort to the grieving mother, and is one of the beautiful facets of Islam that I have come to admire.