Angela - February 10, 2009

Well, I was just honest with someone and it was really difficult! 

Matt and I decided that we were going to go to a Walter Wink seminar in Lombard, IL instead of going to the communication & spirituality seminar in our hometown this weekend. Would have been a very easy thing to fly under the radar on except that the host of the seminar just called me and asked if we were coming. So, I told her no, and that it was because we were going to Lombard to hear Walter Wink instead. 

Painless enough, right? WRONG. This is precisely the kind of communication that usually gets me into trouble. Feeling bad for a decision I've made, or for changing my mind, etc.  I will usually feel extreme pressure to lie ("Yep, wouldn't miss it.") or to come up with some sort of "valid" reason for not doing something. 

I wonder why it is that I can be honest about major things but it is these stupid little social engagements or societal expectations that make me want to lie, lie, lie like a theiving whitie. 

Oh, the anxiety. I can still feel it in my gut...rapid heartbeat...nerves on edge...tension in neck. Argh! 

Since my last post there haven't been too many things to be radically honest about, other than work and things with Matt. At least nothing terribly exciting. 

Confessions? Hmmm... well, I fell off the no-sugar wagon. I had A LOT of sugar at a friend's going away party on Saturday night and I had a cup of coffee with a slight bit of sugar yesterday morning. Then I decided that since I already blew it by kinda absentmindedly adding it to coffee (less than 1 teaspoons) that I should really go out with a bang so I ate 5 or 6 caramel squares last night. Alas, I'm back on the no-sugar wagon today. I must admit, though, that I am going a bit crazy. I want to consume large amounts of sugar and pass out in glucose-induced bliss. 

And I am pretty confident I am either allergic to my dogs or to my house. I felt pretty good in Texas, and while I am definitely BETTER than I was a couple of weeks ago, I still feel like @$$. 

Angela - Friday 1/30/09

True story? Today I lied. It was a small lie, I suppose, and one that basically slipped out before I realized I was lying because I really THOUGHT I had done what I said I had done. Client called and wanted to know what the status was of their enrollment. Told him they were enrolled and I already sent the email notifying him out on December 17 but I'd send it to him again after we got off the phone. He was happy. Well, I checked my mail and apparently I didn't send him the message. So I took care of what I needed to do and sent him the info he needed. Problem solved except I felt like maybe I should have confessed that I didn't send the email in the first place. Nah. 

But today I also told a hard truth. There's some drama with some friends. Big drama. And I began to set some boundaries and tell the truth when it would have been easy to just try to sweep how I feel under the rug and move on. And that was very much what I wanted to do, because deep down I really want everyone to like me and I will do anything for my friends because I feel like my friendships validate me. And I feel like I am always in search of things that validate me and make me feel like I am worth a damn, especially because I am fat and feel like Mother Culture is continually telling me that I am No Good. 

So, as the words "You don't need to tell me why you did what you did or excuse your behavior. I get it. You did what you felt like you had to do. I just wish it could have been handled differently" crept out of my mouth I was stunned and pretty proud of myself. (NOTE - I am not 100% sure that those were the exact words I said, but it was something like that.) 

I'm relieved that our dog is okay. Poo is back to normal today (didn't you all want to know that!). 

I'm reading Acedia and Me (Kathleen Norris) each night before I go to bed and I've discovered that I have acedia. Not that I just have acedia, but that I allow it to define and shape who I am. And that I wear it around with pride like a fancy brooch. So, what shall I do about this noontime demon? Don't know. Maybe I won't do anything because at this point it feels quite like a good, old friend. Besides, I have written two new poems... so that makes me feel like me and my acedia are just fine, thank you very much. 

I still feel like my head is going to explode. I did some reading about chronic sinus infections last night and the prognosis is not good. Up to 8 weeks of pain, pressure, snot, and sneezing. Antibiotics, Advil, Neti-Pot, Vick's Vapo-Rub, Menthol Inhaler, and cough drops. You'll be glad to know that in my sick funk at least I have been able to hold on to a shred of my hippie-self. Bought handkerchiefs last night instead of Kleenex. Kinda gross but they are reusable. 

Confessions....??? I have none. Lie. Damn!!! I do. But they are mostly little ones. Like.... its been almost three years since I shaved my legs and about 6 months on the pits. Like I quit wearing deodorant because I'm convinced the aluminum in regular stuff leads to breast cancer and the natural stuff is too strong and gives me fire pits and makes my armpits peel. 

PS - Lie #2 of the day. I actually didn't post this 1/30/09, but on 1/31/09. I don't want to get in trouble with Boss-Of-Me.