And so it continues...

Last month Bella failed her first hearing test. Well, it wasn't her first hearing test, but it was the first one she failed. 3 doctors and multiple tests later, she has bilateral sensorineural hearing loss. We have a long way to go getting all this figured out - how much loss? how much is correctible? should we try to get cochlear implants? how will this affect her life?
MRIs, CAT Scans, ABR tests, and a myriad of other tests will provide us with definitive answers and a solution, of sorts... and in the meantime, I'm.....
Sad
Angry
Confused
Disappointed
Upset
Helpless
Afraid
Relieved...

and a roller coaster of other emotions. I'm so scared for her - how will this change her life? My first reaction was acceptance and immediately springing into action. The more I find out about hearing loss, the more I fear it for her. I think of what this means - she might not hear the cries of her first child when it's born. She won't hear Mozart's Requiem or my voice on the other end of her telephone as she gets older... and that makes me so sad.

I'm a torrent of emotions at this moment, the biggest being grief. She doesn't know, she's only 6, and she can't grieve for herself, but I hurt for her. I'm so afraid of how this is going to change her life and everything brings me to tears. I want to tell everyone and no one. I want the people I tell to react differently somehow, but I'm not sure how. I want to know exactly what this means for her, exactly how this is going to change her life, and none of those questions can be answered. I want to go ballistic on her school for not realizing this sooner, and I'm angry with myself for missing the obviousness of it all.

We are just starting down this road of discovery together, and I'm optimistic for her. I want this to be something that doesn't make her life harder, but that enhances the quilt of her life and makes it something a little bit different.

I have been through alot of things in my life - and I don't see them as bad or good, really... just things that have made me who I am and equpped me for who I would/have become. I believe everything happens for a reason - and I hold onto that belief. That there is a reason, whatever it is, and that everything is as it should be.