For a lifetime, it seems, I’ve been polygamous. I have been married (or not-married, but with a marriage commitment) to a man for the past 15 years, mostly. That’s roughly my entire adult life.
I’ve ALSO been in an on-again-off-again relationship with the Divine (aka God). I find that both the human marriage and the divine marriage are better when surrounded by community. I haven’t had a very difficult time finding community in my life until recently, because I shared common beliefs with others in my circle. I could go to any number of Christian churches and find a whole passel of people who believed exactly (or at least mostly) what I believed, who were also in relationship with this Divine Being.
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So...it was like we were all sister-wives in a giant polygamous marriage with God.
And like sister-wives, we were married to God and to each other. But what happens when you have irreconcilable differences with your sister-wives, and you realize that God isn’t who everyone says he is, and the relationship begins to take on a different aspect to you?
It’s not that you don’t want to share your husband with them, it’s more that they are so differently-minded, it’s impossible to be yourself around them anymore. They want to wear prairie dresses, and you just discovered leather and spandex!
And what happens when what you thought was just a difference of opinion turns out to be a huge deal, and they want to force you back into that prairie dress, but you’re like “hell no!”
And then they say “we don’t say ‘hell’ in this house!”
and you’re all “But… but! I don’t LIKE prairie dresses! And I don’t like the fact that you think everyone should wear them! Because some people (me) like LEATHER ! and SPANDEX ! and, on occasion, POLYESTER!”
And they say, “Well, I’m sorry, but you need to wear prairie dresses when you’re around us. We don’t care as much what you do on the outside.”
...And for a while, that works, you just slip your prairie dress on over your leather… then one day your prairie dress gets a huge hole in it, and you don’t want to invest in another one, so you just stop.
And the other sister-wives are so bent out of shape over this that it really affects your relationship with your husband (God).
And the truth is, you just wish you could find those other sister-wives God keeps somewhere else, because, rumor has it, they wear leather, too, sometimes, but you’re not sure where to go looking, or if you might end up in the hands of the wrong polygamists?
So, this is the struggle I’m faced with. I have been a Christian my whole life, and for lack of a better word, I still AM a Christian. But I don’t fit in with Christians anymore because… I’m kind of a liberal. And in Texas, liberal = heathen.
So I’ve been at my great church, listening in from the sidelines, avoiding deep conversations with people, and generally not engaging in relationships because when I try, people look at me like I’m from outerspace and begin babbling Christianese at me like “grace-filled… atonement… demon possession… relationship… Jesus Christ…” with a slightly wild look in their eye, like they need to get away before I infect them with my leather-wearing disease.
I’ve thought long and hard about what to do. I tried a couple of Unitarian churches, I’ve tried almost every denomination of Christian available in the DFW area, I tried Mormon church, and even considered other religions as an option, but nothing seems to fit! I’m wondering if maybe I’ll have to go to monogamy, but I don’t see how my relationship with God can be the same if I’m not surrounded by others.
This is the problem with questions: sometimes, they alienate you from everyone. And sometimes, they open doors that can’t be closed. And it leaves you standing on doorsteps in the rain looking at the warmth and light inside, and wishing you had a home.
So how do you do it? How do you reconcile your core beliefs (which are, at times, diametrically opposed to the core beliefs of those who you once called “sister”) with your desire to have a home and a place to belong, a place that lets you ask questions and wear leather?
I’ve ALSO been in an on-again-off-again relationship with the Divine (aka God). I find that both the human marriage and the divine marriage are better when surrounded by community. I haven’t had a very difficult time finding community in my life until recently, because I shared common beliefs with others in my circle. I could go to any number of Christian churches and find a whole passel of people who believed exactly (or at least mostly) what I believed, who were also in relationship with this Divine Being.
.jpg)
And like sister-wives, we were married to God and to each other. But what happens when you have irreconcilable differences with your sister-wives, and you realize that God isn’t who everyone says he is, and the relationship begins to take on a different aspect to you?
It’s not that you don’t want to share your husband with them, it’s more that they are so differently-minded, it’s impossible to be yourself around them anymore. They want to wear prairie dresses, and you just discovered leather and spandex!
And what happens when what you thought was just a difference of opinion turns out to be a huge deal, and they want to force you back into that prairie dress, but you’re like “hell no!”
And then they say “we don’t say ‘hell’ in this house!”
and you’re all “But… but! I don’t LIKE prairie dresses! And I don’t like the fact that you think everyone should wear them! Because some people (me) like LEATHER ! and SPANDEX ! and, on occasion, POLYESTER!”
And they say, “Well, I’m sorry, but you need to wear prairie dresses when you’re around us. We don’t care as much what you do on the outside.”
So, this is the struggle I’m faced with. I have been a Christian my whole life, and for lack of a better word, I still AM a Christian. But I don’t fit in with Christians anymore because… I’m kind of a liberal. And in Texas, liberal = heathen.
So I’ve been at my great church, listening in from the sidelines, avoiding deep conversations with people, and generally not engaging in relationships because when I try, people look at me like I’m from outerspace and begin babbling Christianese at me like “grace-filled… atonement… demon possession… relationship… Jesus Christ…” with a slightly wild look in their eye, like they need to get away before I infect them with my leather-wearing disease.
I’ve thought long and hard about what to do. I tried a couple of Unitarian churches, I’ve tried almost every denomination of Christian available in the DFW area, I tried Mormon church, and even considered other religions as an option, but nothing seems to fit! I’m wondering if maybe I’ll have to go to monogamy, but I don’t see how my relationship with God can be the same if I’m not surrounded by others.
This is the problem with questions: sometimes, they alienate you from everyone. And sometimes, they open doors that can’t be closed. And it leaves you standing on doorsteps in the rain looking at the warmth and light inside, and wishing you had a home.
So how do you do it? How do you reconcile your core beliefs (which are, at times, diametrically opposed to the core beliefs of those who you once called “sister”) with your desire to have a home and a place to belong, a place that lets you ask questions and wear leather?
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