Angela - Friday 1/30/09

True story? Today I lied. It was a small lie, I suppose, and one that basically slipped out before I realized I was lying because I really THOUGHT I had done what I said I had done. Client called and wanted to know what the status was of their enrollment. Told him they were enrolled and I already sent the email notifying him out on December 17 but I'd send it to him again after we got off the phone. He was happy. Well, I checked my mail and apparently I didn't send him the message. So I took care of what I needed to do and sent him the info he needed. Problem solved except I felt like maybe I should have confessed that I didn't send the email in the first place. Nah. 

But today I also told a hard truth. There's some drama with some friends. Big drama. And I began to set some boundaries and tell the truth when it would have been easy to just try to sweep how I feel under the rug and move on. And that was very much what I wanted to do, because deep down I really want everyone to like me and I will do anything for my friends because I feel like my friendships validate me. And I feel like I am always in search of things that validate me and make me feel like I am worth a damn, especially because I am fat and feel like Mother Culture is continually telling me that I am No Good. 

So, as the words "You don't need to tell me why you did what you did or excuse your behavior. I get it. You did what you felt like you had to do. I just wish it could have been handled differently" crept out of my mouth I was stunned and pretty proud of myself. (NOTE - I am not 100% sure that those were the exact words I said, but it was something like that.) 

I'm relieved that our dog is okay. Poo is back to normal today (didn't you all want to know that!). 

I'm reading Acedia and Me (Kathleen Norris) each night before I go to bed and I've discovered that I have acedia. Not that I just have acedia, but that I allow it to define and shape who I am. And that I wear it around with pride like a fancy brooch. So, what shall I do about this noontime demon? Don't know. Maybe I won't do anything because at this point it feels quite like a good, old friend. Besides, I have written two new poems... so that makes me feel like me and my acedia are just fine, thank you very much. 

I still feel like my head is going to explode. I did some reading about chronic sinus infections last night and the prognosis is not good. Up to 8 weeks of pain, pressure, snot, and sneezing. Antibiotics, Advil, Neti-Pot, Vick's Vapo-Rub, Menthol Inhaler, and cough drops. You'll be glad to know that in my sick funk at least I have been able to hold on to a shred of my hippie-self. Bought handkerchiefs last night instead of Kleenex. Kinda gross but they are reusable. 

Confessions....??? I have none. Lie. Damn!!! I do. But they are mostly little ones. Like.... its been almost three years since I shaved my legs and about 6 months on the pits. Like I quit wearing deodorant because I'm convinced the aluminum in regular stuff leads to breast cancer and the natural stuff is too strong and gives me fire pits and makes my armpits peel. 

PS - Lie #2 of the day. I actually didn't post this 1/30/09, but on 1/31/09. I don't want to get in trouble with Boss-Of-Me. 

DAY 5 - Honesty Schmonesty

Who needs a vow of radical honesty to let someone have it when they make you mad enough? Or, more accurately, to let that someone's boss have it? Ugh, it isn't hard for me to get REALLY irritated if someone calls and yells at my receptionist for something that I told her to do. And if that person also works for this company, then we have a serious problemo. We have butted heads multiple times in the past - I feel that she is rude and snippy, and she feels that I am her underling and she doesn't have to tell me anything (I assume) and we always play nice to each other's faces. haha. then we send extremely passive aggressive emails to each other. Well, mine are passive aggressive. Hers are pretty much aggressive. Anyway, today I was the aggressive one and sent the email to her boss instead of her. DON'T MESS WITH MY RECEPTIONIST!

My day was full of invigorating conflict and success. I love to accomplish something and then feel a sense of ... at the risk of sounding redundant... ACCOMPLISHMENT!

I was googling people (I fancy myself a pretty good private investigator - I can find almost anyone anywhere. I love putting my abilities to the test, and I almost always succeed) anyway, while googling, I put in the name of my VERY BEST FRIEND from college. I haven't seen or talked to him in about 10 years. And not because I haven't tried, we just completely lost touch and he moved away and I moved away and there you have it. Anyway, I was searching for people and I went ahead and put him in there... what do you know? He pops up with his email address.

I heart finding people who once meant alot to me because, in all honesty, people who once meant alot to me probably still DO mean alot to me and probably will forever. Yay me, I'm all smiles.

Angela - Day ?

OK. So I am in trouble with "Boss-Of-Me" because I didn't blog last night. 

I didn't blog because my dog had explosive diarrhea. 

Want some more radical honesty details? 

The first time, it sounded like he farted. He was laying on the couch totally still and "farted". I didn't see anything so I laughed about him farting. And then I reached over to pet him. And put my hand right in the mucusy liquid poo that was the same color as the upholestry of our couch. Nice. Gag. Gag. Gag. And, our other dog was sitting right next to him with her head by his nether regions so he shit on her head. Yeah. That was great, too. 

It was a fun night of squirting and cleaning and worrying. 

No lies.  

Aiy aiy aiy - Joni DAY 5 (a.m.)

Failure Numero Uno:
Phone rings (ring! ring!)
Me: Good Morning, DL Rogers, this is Joni. (I say the last part really fast so they can't possibly make out or remember my name)
Him: Hi, who would I talk to about Pest Control at your stores?
Me: What geographic area?
Him: The Dallas Fort Worth Area
Me: Oh, we don't have any stores here. The closest store we have is in Houston.
LIE LIE LIE!
a) we do have stores here, in Duncanville
b) we don't have a single store in Houston

Oh dear. Then I said "Thanks" but that was a lie too. I didn't really feel very thankful for his call. Ugh. Stupid telemarketers.

Cade- day 2

well here's the truth #1
I'm trying to catch up on this blogging thing because I should have started it on Monday but now it's Thursday & I'm trying to recant all my lies during the week so that I can be on the same day as the rest of the bloggers!!!

Truth #2- so it's supossed to be Tuesday (but it's actually Thursday- forgive me if I've left out a couple of lies in between) so I came into work and I guess I like my boss.... ok again... lie... but a little white one.... yes he's also white... & Jewish. not that I have anything against white or Jewish.. I mean my birth cert. states I'm white.... & well "HE's" (my secret) white... but it's a pretty well known assumption that Jewish people are a bit tight & penny pinch. This happens to be true as he's joked about paying me by means of candy... um... not to mention I have to ASK to be paid... that normally happens 3 days, count them... 1, 2,3 days AFTER I've submitted my timesheet. & then of course I have to continue to remind him that he still hasn't paid me. Now I know I only work part time... but I put alot into a 5 hours day of work... I mean the man is quite messy..... I've cleaned house... & he complained about that too! ugh... is there any pleasing him?

Truth #3- Me & my SO(significant other) got into it about the parenting skills I have for / with my son..... I have to go to school now....
actually that's lie #4- I've been chatting w/ a friend on yahoo this WHOLE time & haven't been able to get her (you know who you are) to stop messaging me so I can finish this one....
so until tomorrow!

or maybe not.... lie #5
:)

Aggressive Truthisms

If I were to remove the filter between my brain and my mouth what would I say? and is it really necessary?

To the gas station attendent: What made you think that excessive purple eyeshadow coupled with glue-on rhinestones above your eyelashes was a GOOD idea?

To my boss: That seems like a lot of work on my part with no recognizable reward (what I said: Yes, I will take care of that)

To Mark: You know what I hate? when people (i.e., YOU) talk to me about their opinion while I'm trying to watch an 'objective' documentary

To President Obama: I would like to believe that you're going to do a fantastic job in office, but I honestly think you're going to screw it up

To the Walmart cashier who told me she wants to be a social worker: I hope you like the Walmart Cashier tax bracket. Cuz you're going to stay there if you become a social worker (oh wait, I DID say that.)

To my cousin, the preacher: Why do you do what you do, REALLY? I mean, you can't honestly think that you're doing something noble and meaningful and changing the world, when you're song leading at a tiny baptist church in a tiny Texas town, right?

To someone who shall remain unnamed: Why the hell did you choose what you chose when you had the world at your fingertips??

Jones - DAY 4

1/29/09 - Day 4 of Radical Honesty

So, today started off with a Radically Honest conversation with myself. What IS my problem? And why do I continually obsess over it? I ate half a box of Girl Scout cookies (Caramel Delites) and informed the receptionist that her assumption that I have my kids during the week is wrong. Their dad has them Monday evening-Thursday. It makes me look like a bad mom. Its not my choice and I would have it another way if I could, but I can’t, so I live with it. It annoys me when people ask me about it, and then look at me like I’m a crack-head mom for not having my kids full-time. “What did you do wrong to lose your kids?” their eyes seem to ask. Ahhhhh, this is one thing I claim exemption from on my blog. I will not discuss the custody case since it’s not over. Suffice to say – sometimes things work out differently than you planned, and I am NOT a crack-head. Or a prostitute. Or an abusive psychopath.

Cade- Day 1

Ok so I got sucked into this blog thing..... I've never done one before.. I just don't have the time... (so I think) maybe that's lie # 1 ?

Truth #1- I said "Sure I'll do it"- not really wanting to.

#2- I asked if I could use my previous day in order to start the blog with what I feel is one of my biggest lies... however it was found out & is no longer a lie/secret... but the fact that I wish to continue for "him" to be a secret & our communication is the problem.
so I sent "him" an email asking if he had left for his trip to India and if not might I be able to see him after class. I received a response from his iphone that he is in fact in India & will return on Feb.9th. So I was happy that I got a response but could have kicked myself for initiating contact.

#3- I have a yahoo account that my significant other is unaware of.

Ang - Day 3

Last night I had a true radical honesty challenge. The proverbial excrement hit the ceiling fan last night in the lives of some folks we know. I found myself on back-to-back phone calls with opposing parties aware that the possibility exists (a) that anything I said would be used against me, (b) manipulation was a strong possibility, and (c) I had voluntarily put myself in the middle of something I didn't want to be in the middle of. What do to? Be honest...but not quite radically honest. I didn't lie. I answered the questions that were presented to me honestly. I didn't leave much out (lying by omission) but I wasn't radically honest. So, failure one for Angela. 

Work today was uneventful. Lots of copywriting and editing and answering emails and writing emails. Fun. No temptation to lie, but also no opportunity to tell folks how I REALLY feel. 

Today at four we had the third interview for our foster care license. Lots of questions about discipline, if we will take children of other ethnicities, how we disagree; lots of measuring of rooms and testing of smoke detectors and getting the temperature of the hot water. Some more questions about our lifestyle. Will we feed the children meat and milk, and if so, will it be safe (i.e. not from our farm but from the STORE)? What is our plan for monitoring kids around the electric fence? A recommendation to store the hookah because "little kids won't know it is a hookah but they might think that it is just a big, pretty, expensive bong". Recommendations to lock the medicines and lock the power tools. No lies. No half-truths. 

Oh, I want this to get exciting. But do I?

You Found Me - the Fray

I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where've you been?" He said, "Ask anything."

Where were you, when everything was falling apart.
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.

But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
[ The Fray Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.

The early morning, the city breaks
And I've been calling for years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve taking all I want

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, Where were you? Where were you?

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.

Why'd you have to wait, to find me, to find me?

Joni - DAY 3

1/28/09 – Day 3 of 30 Days of Honesty Experiment

To tell you the truth, I thought this experiment would be more challenging and interesting than it is. I kinda hoped anyway. So far I haven’t had a reason or excuse to be radically honest with anyone except Mark and, while that is good for my relationship, it is also something I practiced frequently before the experiment.

The truth about me…
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder related to an event I can't even really remember. It affects my life. It annoys the hell out of me. Does that make me crazy?

I obsess over things – I think about them a lot , particularly mistakes made or choices that weren’t the perfect choice, because, really, if I’m honest with myself, I think I should be perfect.

I justify things – I justify things that I do. I am not a big believer in making excuses except unless they work. If giving someone an excuse works, then I’m for it.

The truth about me is that I’m confident on the outside. I’m not a jealous person by nature, so I guess that makes me a secure person. I don’t remember most of my childhood. I don’t know why that is, but it is. I don’t like to be confrontational except in a passive way – i.e., email – and usually only if the person cannot confront me back face to face.

The truth about me, if I’m radically honest, is that I’m terrified of abandonment and the first time it happened to me, I didn't know what to do. The truth about me is that I put way too much of my identity into the people I love and rejection from the people I love consequently screws with my identity. Which explains why I don’t love many people up close.

The truth about me is that I am more afraid of other people’s truths and I am of my own.

Joni - Day 2 Blog

1/27/09 – Radical Honesty Day 2

I must say I was disappointed today to only be able to use my radical honesty with annoying sales guys. However, taking a vow of blunt forthrightness has its plusses when I’m talking to annoying sales people:
“To tell you the truth, Joe, I lied to your co-worker when I told him that we were interested in your product… No, its not something that we would use here at all this year… Well, to tell you the truth, I had a conversation with my boss about this project and he told me it was useless, and you should know that we’ve both been wasting our time by pursuing it. I’ll let you know if I change my mind.”
Yes, that felt good.

But other than that, what have I had to be honest about? Only Mark last night – he discovered a distinct advantage of being on the observation end of 30 Days of Radical Honesty – namely, the ability to ask me any question and get a forthright answer (or a ruined experiment).

He started with the broad question, “Is there anything you haven’t told me or that you have lied to me about?”

Me: “Of course there is.”

Him: “Well, what is it?”

Me: “I can’t think of every single thing off the top of my head! Can you ask me something specific?”

Him: “Ok, have you ever purposefully put my recycling in a place that would cause it to go to a landfill and destroy the environment (i.e, the garbage)?”

Me: (Ouch. Yes, yes I have. And I’m not making an excuse for my abominable behavior, but my entire back closet is full of recycling that hasn’t been recycled, that we have been saving for months, some over a year! Not to mention the egg cartons we save ‘because they might be useful’, the egg SHELLS we save because ‘we are going to make chalk out of them’ (we’re talking dozens and dozens of egg shells!!!!), and various other, in my mind useless items. So, back to my response…) “Yes. Yes I have. At least twice that I can think of, I took as much recycling as I could carry to the dumpster. You were out of town or at least gone for a day or two. I’m sorry. “

Me: “Actually, scratch that – if I’m going to be completely honest, I’m not really sorry. I don’t like having bags of recycling crowding up a closet that I might want to store other stuff in. It annoys me greatly. And it feels good when I throw your recycling in the garbage because I feel convinced that it will never leave my closet otherwise.”

Me: “And, when I think I can get away with it, I throw your recycling in the trash can to begin with, when I empty the can or the bottle - and I throw away eggshells too. I just hide them under other things in the trash hoping you won’t see them.”

He looks genuinely hurt.
I feel genuinely sorry for him.

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Him: “You’re lying.”

I consider this.
Me: “Well, I’m sorry you’re upset about it anyway.”

Larger Truth for the Day: I quit 99% of things before or shortly after I start them. That is just an estimated statistic. But many or most things I quit before I give them a real chance (example: girl scouts, volunteering for various organizations, church (this go around), books I'm writing). Some things I quit before I even start - example, my detox. However, in some metaphorical way, I suppose I am doing my detox right now. Detoxing my system from the lovely life I have created with half truths, deception and white lies. :-)
The only way I keep myself from quitting is if I can lock myself into it somehow - for instance, if I borrow money for school and then I spend the money, I can't really drop my classes and pay back the money for that dropped class, right? :-) Its why I commit to things quickly when I make a decision. Even if I don't stick with it that long, I'm decisive, thats the truth. :-)

Ang - Day 2

I have come to the conclusion that if this experiment is going to be worth doing (and certainly worth anyone reading about it) that I have to have to (a) seek out more human interaction on a daily basis, and (b) actually get off my couch. Why? Because here's the radical honesty self-disclosure of a typical day: 

1. Wake up at 8:50 AM. 

2. Go to bathroom and brush teeth. 

3. Pet dogs. 

4. Put on a pot of hot water.

5. Sign on to the Internet and start work at 9:00AM.

6. Work from my couch. In my PJs. 

7. Worry. 

8. Eat the food and drink the tea that my wonderful husband prepares for me. Sometimes at the table. Mostly on the couch. 

9. Continue to work from my couch. In my PJs. 

10. Worry some more. 

11. Send about 50 e-mails to clients and co-workers.

12. Answer about 10 telephone calls, 4 of them from tele-marketers. 

13. Send personal e-mails and chat with my friends via G-Chat intermittantly throughout the day.

14. Check my Facebook as Internet access permits. 

15. Continue to work from my couch. In my PJs.

16. Worry some more. 

17. Take a shower around 5 or 6 PM and (a) get dressed if we are going somewhere, or (b) change into different PJs.

18. Eat the dinner and drink the tea that my wonderful husband prepares for me. 

19. Go to said meeting/appointment/engagement. Or, sit on the couch and read. Or, sit on the couch and work on my continuing education classes. Or, sit on the couch and watch a movie. 

20. Brush teeth. 

21. Go to bed. 

22. Lay there and worry until I fall asleep. 

There's just not a helluva lot of room for entertaining "radical honesty" to occur during the course of a day like that.

True to this, today there were only a few moments of temptation: 

1. I was feeling tempted to cancel my place at a seminar I signed up for in March. The temptation is to cancel and say it is because funds are tight and I don't have the money. This is partially true, but the real reason I am tempted to cancel is that I hate seminars where I actually have to TALK to people and, Jesus, DO GROUP WORK. This seminar by nature will require group work, talking, and signing up to "practice" in some intimate positions. Its a doula training. I didn't cancel the training and instead I confessed to a dear friend the real reason I was thinking of bailing. Turns out she was thinking of bailing for the same reason. And now we are holding each other accountable not to. 

2. Later in G-Chat.... same friend, different scenario. Asked me if I thought she should spend money on paying dues to do lots of things for her business. Instead of justifying by why the events would be good, etc. etc. I told her that if the only reason she wasn't going to do it was because she was gonna be cheap that she should do it. That she needed to invest in the business if she was serious about it. Not a difficult encounter, but honest nonetheless. (We're pretty good at this, she and I.) 

3. Talking about being a foster parent with my husband. Told him I was scared out of my mind. His response? "Good. You should be." Then I say "Well, should we still do this then?" "Yes. But it is good that you are scared." I think I am having the sudden realization that at least half of the time he is radically honest with me. Damn. 

4. Told co-worker I didn't start a project she was expecting me to do because I didn't know she wanted me to. Usually I blow sunshine up her ass. It was hard to say "There must have been a miscommunication, but I didn't realize you wanted me to do it before you got back with me with your feedback." 

5. In the spirit of Joni and disclosing large "truths"... I have realized that on some level I am sabatoging my own health the more I learn about nutrition and health because I am overwhelmed by how bad my health is. The more I learn and the more I realize what a healthy body should be doing, the more I realize how unhealthy I must be and how much damage my body has gone through. I realize how hard it is going to be to lose weight and be healthy for the first time in my adult life. I don't like this. I don't want to do all this hard work. I want a fucking quick fix. I wonder if I can afford HGH injections... 

6. It is like day 10 of "no sugar." However, I am being radically honest and saying that this is more like day 10 of no obvious sugar. I haven't had cookies, candy, soda, sugar in coffee or tea, etc. but I know there are things that I have consumed that have sugar in it. I feel like "no obvious sugar" is a definite step up from what I was doing two weeks ago, but in the spirit of honesty I have to say I am not totally, 100% sugar sober. 

I think that needs to be all for today because I am tired of writing about myself and I have a wicked headache. That and it is time to take a shower and change into my PJs. I've got a book to read. 

Peace out. 

JONI - Day 2 - Experimentor

So, today I read a post on my fB wall from my friend, Rick. He brought up an interesting point - is truth something measurable? i.e., the earth is round. That is true and proveable. But the fact that I love my kids may be no less true, but impossible to measure. So it brings me to the thought that HONESTY and TRUTH are different creatures. So, for my part in this experiment, I plan to be both honest and truthful to best of my knowledge. I will use as my guide the show "Moment of Truth." For those who have not seen it, they strap people to a lie detector and ask them personal questions and the lie detector states whether they are telling the truth or not. If a lie detector would say that I am telling the truth (honesty to the best of my ability) then I consider that a successful truth-telling.

Angela - Day 1

Today started with a series of e-mail messages from my boss that caused me to feel very defensive and powerless. I found myself wanting to reply with a shameful note justifying my behavior (I really DIDN'T do anything wrong, BTW), but instead I stuck to the facts and a simple "I'll let you know when I know something else." A good day to begin The Honesty Experiment. 

This is something I've wanted to do for a while (taking the leap to be radically honest -- can't say I really wanted to BLOG about it). I've been trying in little ways for over a year to tell the truth at work, which is the hardest place for me to do so because lots of things go wrong and there are lots of expectations and a good bit of my work is in tech support. You can't REALLY be honest 100% of the time and work in tech support. "Well, ma'm I don't know what in the hell is wrong with your computer, and I sure can't fix it over the phone." 

Truth #1 -- Borrowed from Friday because I am proud of this moment.

Friday was a good day. A client of ours called, after having talking with her supervisor and getting an answer she didn't like, to ask if I could set something up for her. I said "Well, Debbie, I feel like you are putting me in the middle of something here. I could set that up for you, but Brenda made the decision not to go in that direction, so that's what I need to stick with." I just didn't want to be in a "Mom said no, so ask Dad" situation.

Truth #2 -- Matt's feeling sick and he's been on the computer all afternoon. It is a usual practice of mine to ask "What are you doing?" several times a day just because I am nosy and because I want to make sure that he is doing something that I deem productive when I am working (I work from home).  So today I asked "What are you doing?" and he told me he was cleaning up files on the computer, blah blah blah and that it upsets him when I ask him what he's doing because he feels like I am trying to be in control of what he's doing, "like he's 12 or something." Touche. So, instead of responding with my usual "No, I'm just wondering..." line, I told him that I wanted to know because really was wondering what he was doing (i.e. because I am nosy) but also because it makes me mad when he's reading or playing on the Web or whatever while I'm working (i.e. because I am controlling) because I want him to do something productive. Duly noted. 

Joni - DAY 1

1/26/09 - Day 1 of the Radical Honesty Project

Woke up annoyed that I was late. Bought coffee before work, $1.25 that should have gone in the piggy bank. Oops. I’m terrible about impulse buying. I do it too much. While we’re talking of things I do too much, I also spend too much time on the internet. And I omit things. That’s the thing about me: it's not that I won’t give an honest opinion when asked – more that I omit things. Not that everyone doesn’t do that, really, but justifications aren’t part of the 30 days of Radical Honesty.

Told my best friend that I’m going to start this Radical Honesty thing. In the spirit of honesty, I tell her that I’m pretty sure my truth is like the dead sea scrolls – there are plenty of truths that aren’t part of the main “truth “ that everyone knows about me. She told me she already knew that but thanks for sharing.

Went home for lunch and told Mark that I’m doing 30 days of Radical Honesty. A concept he already practices freely, actually. He tells me that I’m coo-koo. I tell him that it really bothers me when he tells me that and it makes me feel like he really thinks I’m crazy. Radical Truth #1!! He just laughs. (Not really the response I was looking for). I then tell him that it really bothers me when he lets the dog eat off our bowls. My bowls, specifically, because, since he doesn’t wash dishes (EVER), I am the one stuck with washing off the dog slime. Eeeew. Neither honest confession was really received in a way that I was hoping for, but then, I’m really doing this for myself, not to get a reaction or elicit a change from the hearer of my honesty. So there you go. Every day I’m going to post three honest things here on my blog. Kind of my passive way of truth-telling (which I’m sure would be frowned upon by the leader of the Radical Honesty movement).

Truth #1 – I don’t like going to church because I’m afraid of the people there. I don’t want to get sucked back into a bad situation. I don’t want to be judged. And I’m afraid God is going to say something to me that I don’t want to hear. I listen with both hands over my ears (figuratively) so that I can block out anything I don’t want to hear. Because I don’t really want to change my life. And I don’t want to be hurt.

Truth #2 – I am afraid to have a career in writing, not because I am afraid I’m not a good writer – because my honest opinion of myself is that I think I’m a pretty talented writer – but I’m afraid because my writing can be so raw and open, I don’t want to expose a part of myself that intimate to the world. I edit what I show people. And I am afraid that if I were to try to write full-time, I would be a miserable failure at it, therefore failing at something that I feel right now I can’t fail at. My biggest passion becoming my biggest failure. Well, then, there you go.

I intend to blog everyday about my journey in Radical Honesty. Hopefully it will do something for me because, lets face it, honestly – do we ever do anything without hope for some kind of pay off?

Joni - INTRODUCTION

So, I'm going to be participating in the experiment as a truth teller.

The History:So, Radical Honesty. A radical concept. If you want to know where I got my “inspiration” (or flash of insanity, you might say) check out http://www.esquire.com/features/honesty0707. And also RadicalHonesty.com
My goal: 30 days of radical honesty. Telling the truth, no matter what, removing the filter between my brain and my mouth in some respects. Kind whenever possible, but honest nonetheless. This exercise will have two foreseeable consequences/results: 1) Possibly changing relationships around me. 2) Preventing me from doing things that I don’t want to tell the truth about.

Lets see how it goes!!

Welcome to the Honesty Experiment!

Beginning January 26, 2009, we are conducting an experiment on RADICAL HONESTY. Being honest regardless of the consequences. In our experiment, we have started out with 2 experimentors and 1 control.
The experimentors vow to, in the next 30 days, respond to every situation or conversation with complete honesty, regardless of the consequences to that honesty. We are going to blog about what happens every day.
The control is going to continue in her life as normal, however, she will be blogging everyday on the lies that she told out of convenience, fear or avoidance.
We will track our truths and lies so that we, at the end of 30 days, can hopefully see whether honesty truly IS the best policy!
Feel free to join us in this experiment! The more the merrier!

Joni, Ang, "Cade", and "Jessie"

More...

Sometimes life changes and the change is more beautiful than the vision.

Broken Dreams, Fairy Castles
Cotton candy in my mouth
Carousel of life – and the ride is not as smooth as I expected.

Floating melodies, a lullaby
Sleep comes gently.
Waking into harsh reality is such agony.

Whispered words, a best friend’s comfort
Holding hands in a daisy field
Carefree childhood, careless innocence - gone forever, in a moment.

Wide-eyed questions, muddy fingers
All is lost, but something gained.
Whispered words build star-lit castles – on the clouds, above the sky, destined to fall down.
Promise of failure.

Cotton candy – here one minute, gone the next
Wind blowing over grassy fields only sways for a moment.
Broken dreams and fairy castles and
the mosaic of the pieces is more beautiful than the dreams were whole

Musing on my life

I want it all.
I want it all in a red dress with high heels and diamonds
And dabs of expensive perfume behind my ears

I want it all
Lab coat and stethoscope for jewelry and a red clown nose to cheer on a little smile
Healing in my hands and heart
And an evening benefit to attend at 8 (what shall I wear?)

I want it all
Kid hand prints on the doors and underneath the light switch
Time to play and run in the field behind our house
That has no stickers
With our dog, Ranger

I want it all
Rosie my maid to pick up the laundry, but I want to do the cooking –
keep it real

I want it all
A writing cubby where I spit out my literary works
That touch peoples lives and change
Their perspectives
One wall orange. Just because.

I want it all
A window with a view of mountains and desert and ocean
And always a cool breeze blowing through
And soft music of wind in trees

I want it all
Two rocking chairs on a long front porch where symphonies of nighttime sound
And no mosquitos bite
An grandchildren clamber to hear the good-night story
And calls to come in for dinner ring in the neighborhood

I want it all
Is that so wrong?
Can I have it all? Probably not, but…does wanting make it morose?

©June 2003
Joni Hutchinson

Quote of the day

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Seen on a bumper sticker


I know over the past year, I have felt many times that life is speeding toward me and all of my energy is directed toward swerving, missing obstacles, and gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles, every muscle in my body taught and rigid with the stress of it all. Sometimes life gets that way for all of us, we’re barreling down the road toward our destiny (or demise) and we forget that one of the most beautiful parts of life is enjoying the drive. I would look at my friends, who were casually, one-handedly driving down the road, talking about the scenery and the stops along the way and would enviously think “Why am I always in the path of an on-coming 18-wheeler?” I never paused to think that maybe, just MAYBE, I’m driving in the wrong lane.

When everything is coming your way, maybe it’s time to pull off to the side of the road and take a pit stop. Regroup, take a look at the map, reconsider your route. And maybe when you pull back onto the road, you can drive on the RIGHT side of the road, remembering as you drive: even though the highway is mostly faster, the drive on side roads and trails make the journey worth it.

The Song Remembers When

The Song Remembers When - Trisha Yearwood

I was standin' at the counter
I was waitin' for the change
When I heard that old familiar music start
It was like a lighted match
Had been tossed into my soul
It was like a dam had broken in my heart

After taking ev'ry detour
Gettin' lost and losin' track
So that even if I wanted
I could not find my way back
After drivin' out the mem'ry
Of the way things might have been
After I'd forgotten all about us
The song remembers when

We were rolling through the Rockies
We were up above the clouds
When a station out of Jackson played that song
And it seemed to fit the moment
And the moment seemed to freeze
When we turned the music up and sang along

And there was a God in Heaven
And the world made perfect sense
We were young and were in love
And we were easy to convince
We were headed straight for Eden
It was just around the bend
And though I have forgotten all about it
The song remembers when

(Bridge:)
I guess somethin' must have happened
And we must have said goodbye
And my heart must have been broken
Though I can't recall just why
The song remembers when

Well, for all the miles between us
And for all the time that's passed
You would think I haven't gotten very far
And I hope my hasty heart
Will forgive me just this once
If I stop to wonder how on earth you are

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtrackin'
Around corners I have turned
Still I guess some things we bury
Are just bound to rise again
For even if the whole world has forgotten
The song remembers when

Yeah, and even if the whole world has forgotten
The song remembers when

New Year New Goals!

So, I was thinking about my goals for 2009... Generally I abstain from [public] New Years Resolutions because [generally] I'm terrified of failure and any symbolence thereof.

That said, I have made some New Year's resolutions this year:
1. Wear lipstick.
haha, I know, thats an easy one. But not one I really do currently. However, I recently got my hair cut very short due to a gross miscommunication between myself and the pro-cuts hairdresser (I shouldn't have believed her when she said after a quick glance at the picture that she knew 'exactly' what I wanted!)... I wound up with short hair. Boy short. not that there's anything wrong with that... but nonetheless, I am now a tall, slim, big eyed boy. With LIPSTICK.

2. Read more books. In 2008, I probably read about 6 or 8 books. Maybe more, since I read in spurts. Maybe more like a dozen. But I'm goaling (like that? I coined a phrase!) - I'm goaling for 1 book a month.

3. Do a full body detox. I don't want to use those nasty drinks to do it, I'm going to try the water and whole foods option. But it does include giving up some things I'm very fond of - you have to eliminate: processed foods (ok with me, I don't like them anyway), alcohol...(it gets worse), sugar!!, caffiene!!!!! and smoking. Oh dear. But I can do it for the limited amount of time it takes to detox, right?
How long does it take anyway???

4. Finish my degree. Only about 7 more hours to do that, so I think its accomplishable!! then I have to decide if I'm going to Nursing school or something. Deciding what to be when I grow up - forever my lament.


On a side note, I discovered something today in my early morning stupor. Something that has been lurking around for months in the shadows and I just haven't noticed or paid attention to... I discovered something that came to me and I can't place when I got it... PEACE. Yes, Peace! Really!

I remember a few years back, after a life lived with fear and apprehension and feeling so down and discouraged, I found hope in my closet. It was hiding, but when I liberated it, it brought me all manner of joy. I got a tattoo at that time, of the Japanese symbol for Hope on my stomach. Its my symbol, just for me, to remind me of what I've gained. I have said since that I longed for peace, and when it came, I would get the symbol tattooed beneath hope. Today, I realized, confident and smiling, that I have peace. Hope and peace. What more could you ask for?