Control Freaks Anonymous, Part II

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I am a firm believer in the 12 steps. I think the principles are sound, and they have worked time and again. Although there isn’t exactly a “Control Freaks Anonymous”, I know that when you get down to it, most addictions are truly about control. So maybe there is hope for my recovery!

Step 1 – We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable.

12 step program for recovering control freaks

Is there a 12-step program for people with addiction to control? How about a book, Giving Up Control in Five Easy Steps? No? Well, there should be.

Hello, my name is Joni, and I am a control freak.

Yep, its official. I’m sure this doesn't affect you personally, dear reader, but maybe you know someone who is a control freak. Who likes to have her neat list, who wants to know that, barring a tsunami, she will be able to manage every aspect of her life and the lives of those around her. Who am I kidding, of COURSE you know someone like this – ME.

Here’s the one word in the English language I can’t pronounce, much less practice. It comes out of my lips like the telephone number of a drunk person: SURRENDER.

verb: To yield or resign in favor of another

When I think of surrender, I don’t tend to think of it in positive terms. I tend to think it is giving up, when your back is against the wall, when you have no alternative but to fold your cards. It’s over, I lost, I’m done.

messy in public

‎"My story is important not because it is mine...but because if I tell it anything like right, the chances are you will recognize that in many ways it is also yours. Maybe nothing is more important than that we keep track, you and I,of these stories of who we are and where we have come from and the people we have met along the way because it is precisely through these stories, in all their particularity...that God makes himself known to each of us most powerfully and personally."
-Frederick Buechner

Don't you ever wish sometimes that you could just be completely messy in public? Just let it all hang out there? Just walk around with your mess smeared around and your smile lopsided and your eyes halfway closed - that people could take one look at you and realize that your life really isn't so perfect and you really aren't all that happy and the smile you usually wear is actually a Jane Jetson mask you pull out of your @ss every morning?

That's how I feel today.

step(s) of faith

So I have this thing about talking about money. I don't. Ever. Period.
I don't talk about having money, I don't talk about wanting more money, and I CERTAINLY don't talk about not having money. I don't even like hearing other people talk about money.

For this reason, the recession has left me with very few news-watching opportunities. It seems like every time I turn on the news, all they are talking about is money, money, money! Its like watching dental procedures!!! (I also have a thing about teeth, but that's another topic altogether).

Growing up, my family was pretty poor. My dad worked a low-paying job, and my mom mostly stayed home until I was in high school. We had no money whatsoever. We would eat beans, rice, and homemade tortillas every day except Sunday, when we would have meat. Sometimes our electric bill wouldn't be paid. One year at Christmas, we didn't have the money for Christmas presents.

New beginnings [and] Ocean Depths

I realize I've sort of taken a detour from Judaism. I should have wrapped up my Jewish experience with this wonderful interview I had with a beautiful and intelligent Jewish woman and her husband already. I have that interview and conversation halfway typed and saved as a draft. The thing about my visit with Mary Blye Posani is that she made me think differently about God. She was the culmination of everything I had been learning for the past months. She made me think about sacred spaces and mystery and seeking out those things for myself... and I couldn't really just type up what we talked about and move on. I had to process it all for myself, and figure out what God was saying to me... so I apologize for the detour into my own life and heart and experience... and I will eventually get to that talk I had with Mary on Shabbat, and wrap up Judaism properly, and move on to my next experience. I promise! 
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On November 6th, at 6pm, I am going to be baptized.

I was baptized as a kid. Maybe 9 or 10. I accepted Jesus when I was 5 or 6. I didn’t understand what either of those things meant, and besides all that, what was God washing away? The sins of a child – lying to my parents, disobeying, hitting my brothers... I didn’t really get it.

So I grew up and made different choices, and when my husband and I split in 2006, I left God and the church, too. Only, I missed God. I blocked him out and I tried to fill up the spot where he was, and instead, I just made a big mess out of my life.