Control Freaks Anonymous, Part II

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I am a firm believer in the 12 steps. I think the principles are sound, and they have worked time and again. Although there isn’t exactly a “Control Freaks Anonymous”, I know that when you get down to it, most addictions are truly about control. So maybe there is hope for my recovery!

Step 1 – We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable.

How true is THAT. Admitting that I’m powerless over my urge to put my fingers into everything that surrounds me is pretty easy. Admitting that my life, full of careful balancing and my “make it happen all by myself” mentality, is unmanageable? Yes. Done. It is COMPLETELY unmanageable. Which is why I’ve come to the end of myself.

Step 2 – Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
How about “came to HOPE that a power greater…”? Belief entails embracing a fact as truth… I WANT that belief to be my truth, but I’m not sure I’m there yet! That said, I do know, from the bottom of my heart, that there is a Power greater than myself. And I do believe that I can be restored to sanity. So it’s not a far leap to believe that the Power can help with that.

Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
Here’s what I understand about God today: God is kind. God likes me, and made me with a purpose and a destiny all my own. God appreciates my sense of humor. God thinks I’m neat. God is loving beyond all realms of my imagination. God is full of grace and mercy and justice and forgiveness. The decision to turn my will and life over to him was made many years ago, but I make it again every single day. Step 3 is a daily process, as I grow and learn more about God.

Step 4 – Made a searching a fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
For me, this is making a list. What are the areas I lack? What are my strengths? Being honest with myself is the first step toward being honest and transparent with others. My moral inventory includes all of the areas I try to control.

Step 5 – Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
How many times have I skipped THIS step when I’m trying to surrender? I’ll admit to God the exact nature of my wrongs. I’ll even admit them to myself. Most of the time. But admitting them to another human being means being vulnerable. Opening myself up for judgment and criticism. It means letting go of my Jane Jetson mask and letting it all hang out.

Step 6 – Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Am I ready for God to take control? Am I really ready to let go of the reins and give it all over? Have I truly come to the end of myself?

Step 7 – Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
For me, humbly means not saying, “Well, God, I could handle it on my own, just so you know. I could continue this balancing act until I’m dead on the floor… but I’ll go ahead and let you take over, if you insist.” For me, humbly means: “God, I CAN’T do this. I am inadequate and completely unable to handle running my world. I need help because alone, I am lost. Please, take the reins.”

Step 8 – Made a list of all the persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Am I able to face the list of people I’ve disappointed when my juggling act didn’t quite pull through as expected? When my promises to keep their balls and lives in the air ended up in broken shards of glass on the floor?

Step 9 – Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
For me, apologizing isn’t enough. I need to follow through. I need to stop what I was doing. I need to repent.

Step 10 – Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
This speaks to the process for me. These steps aren’t a one-time cure-all. These steps are a process that continues. I’m sure my sticky fingers will pick up those balls again and try running with them, but I have to be accountable for that, and I have to lay it back down. Again and again and again.

Step 11 – Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
Confession: I sometimes pray manipulative prayers. I sometimes say, “God, I have this situation. See, there’s these balls and these plates, and yeah, I know they aren’t mine, but I am responsible for them now, and the thing is, if you could just help me figure out what I’m supposed to do with them NEXT….” The key is that my prayers are changing to: “God, what is your will for ME? And how can I accomplish that?”

Step 12 – Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Over and over, admitting I am human. Taking off my mask. Being vulnerable. Being who God made ME to be. And letting others take off their masks too.


Source for the 12 steps: http://www.12step.org 
This version of the 12 steps is an adaptation from the original 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and is intended for general use with any addictive or dysfunctional behavior.