So I went to Gateway Church again this week. Last week when I went, I felt like I should go forward and get prayed for, mostly out of habit - because I typically feel like I should "get right" with God when I go to church (which is why I avoid church whenever possible). Anyway, I didn't go forward last week. (I used to get this enormous anxiety when I didn't do what I felt that God and/or the Pastor was telling me to do - and I would think terrible things would happen if I didn't go - primarily because of that verse in the Bible that talks about ignoring the Spirit and how it will stop talking to you if you ignore it..??)
ANYWAY, I didn't go forward last week and nothing bad happened except that I had a really bad attitude all week, probably in no part related to not going forward. This week, I went to Gateway again, and again I thought I should go forward and get prayed for. So, in order to prove to myself that it would change nothing, I went forward.
If you've never gone to an altar call at the end of a service, basically its like this: a line of people are standing at the front of the church - prayerfully standing, I would say - these are the "altar ministry team" or the "church elders" or the "deacons" or whatever they call them in whatever denomination you go do, but they are there to pray for you. Sometimes its just the pastor of the church in a smaller congregation, which makes it even HARDER to go forward and get prayed for because its the PASTOR and you don't want him to think anything bad about you! But I digress. The "altar ministry team" in this case, are facing the audiance who is either gathering up their personal effects as worship concludes or who are already filing out of the auditorium heading to their respective cars and respective lunches.
A few pitiful people in need of prayer are fighting the onslaught of escaping Christians and heading toward the altar. The leaving Christians don't meet the eyes of the altaring Christian because of an unspoken rule that you pretend you didn't see that person walking toward the altar going to "get right" with God and you pretend that you don't wonder what they did WRONG that they needed to get right about - maybe they had an affair with their boss, or maybe they screwed someone in a business deal or maybe - oh the horror - they used drugs, or alcohol to excess!! These thoughts are very obvious to the altaring Christian because they have themselves had these thoughts when they weren't the unfortunate who is making their way against the flow of traffic to the altar.
Anyway, I headed to the altar to get prayed for. Its pure luck who you get at the altar, it just depends on the altar ministry team, but you can bet that if you are a woman, they are going to steer you toward a woman altar ministry team member and if you are a man, it will be a man. I got steered to this lady with extremely condescending eyes who was going to pray for me. Not like there was a long line or anything.
She started off by asking me all the typical questions like "What’s on your heart?" and "Have you turned over your life to Jesus?" and "What can I pray with you for today?" and I just looked at her and started talking - something about her condescending eyes and the blankness behind them just set me off.
I said "You know what, I don't know why I came down here. I'm mad. I'm REALLY MAD at God. Really Mad. I don't think you understand how mad. I have done everything to serve him my whole life- MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE! - and the ONE TIME I really needed him, he deserts me. Now THATS A God that doesn't seem good for much. I serve him my whole life and when I need him back, he's nowhere to be found?? I'm MAD."
She looks shocked.
She tells me she's glad I "confessed" this (like its a SIN to be mad at GOD! it isn't, is it?).
I said, feeling the need to justify my anger, "Well, you know, King David in the Old Testament was mad alot. He was very verbal! He told God how it felt to be ditched! And asked him why God was setting a table before his enemies - "
She cuts me off.
She stresses that she's glad I confessed this and its the first step in getting right with God.
Except that I don't WANT to be right with God! I just want her to know I'm PISSED! And I want him (God, that is) to know I'm pissed, too! In fact, I'm not even sure why I came forward during the altar call because this is the only thought screaming through my brain. And then she asked me if I told God how I felt about it.
I was like DUH. YES, I told God. Do you think he answered me? Nope. Do you think he rectified the situation? Nope.
By this time I was crying. Tears streaming down my face because I'm just so PISSED OFF that I'm standing here in the front of the church with condescending-eyes-lady and I just want her to pray with me so I can leave. Actually, I just want to stomp off, but I won't do that.
So she prays this prayer about how she's glad I confessed how I felt (again, like it was a SIN!) and she knows God can heal my heart and her prayer is so dry and emotionless, that it calms my anger and I'm not longer streaming tears or shaking. Thank GOODNESS. by the time she finishes praying, I have regained my composure.
Then I thank her and she tells me that if I'm divorced I should come to DivorceCare Group at church because maybe my anger is related to that. Really. Like she would KNOW! Just because I have a sorry ex-husband who ruined my life and HAPPENS to be a self-professed "man of God" do you really think that means I'm BITTER and ANGRY at God because of the divorce? Really? Because I WANTED THAT DIVORCE! OK... well, maybe she has a point.
::rolling eyes::
And God, since I know you're reading this, I mean every word of it! Just so you know, I'm MAD. And I DO feel like not only did you ditch me, but you chose HIS side. And he wasn't even right! It makes me SICK!!!!
So there.
...and now I feel like a petulant little 3 year old stomping her foot at her dad.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Work Honesty
I don't feel like writing today.
The reason being that I am in a funk. A serious funk. I'm irritated and I'm frustrated and I'm stressed out. My complexion looks like that of a teenage boy. My hair is getting grayer by the minute and I haven't dyed it since July. New wrinkles are sprouting on my face. I find myself making comments that one might expect from a crotchety old nursing home resident.
Yesterday I wanted SO BAD to be radically honest. We had a meeting at work. I hate meetings (unless they are fun - this one was not). In the meeting those higher up the ladder than myself proceeded to tell me how I could make their lives easier. Now, I need to preface this by saying that since I have come on board, I have streamlined the processes and the forms - I have made what used to be a complicated forest of paperwork into a short navigatible trail. This is through hours and hours of my time and effort that it was accomplished, and now I am hearing the words that the form I have made for them with a grand total 4 - count them FOUR - blanks requires too much work. Seriously? Are you kidding?
the original form they had to turn in was quite a bit longer - try 40 blanks - and it was required to be turned in 5-6 times a month. I have narrowed that down to a 4-blank form that is turned in ONE TIME per month. and they have the audacity to complain about it! "Couldn't we make it where they didn't have to put their name in?"
Oooh! I have an idea - why don't I just create a form where they can press their forehead against the computer screen and it will download the data from their brain!
Their eyes lit up with the prospect.
Really, people, earn your money.
The reason being that I am in a funk. A serious funk. I'm irritated and I'm frustrated and I'm stressed out. My complexion looks like that of a teenage boy. My hair is getting grayer by the minute and I haven't dyed it since July. New wrinkles are sprouting on my face. I find myself making comments that one might expect from a crotchety old nursing home resident.
Yesterday I wanted SO BAD to be radically honest. We had a meeting at work. I hate meetings (unless they are fun - this one was not). In the meeting those higher up the ladder than myself proceeded to tell me how I could make their lives easier. Now, I need to preface this by saying that since I have come on board, I have streamlined the processes and the forms - I have made what used to be a complicated forest of paperwork into a short navigatible trail. This is through hours and hours of my time and effort that it was accomplished, and now I am hearing the words that the form I have made for them with a grand total 4 - count them FOUR - blanks requires too much work. Seriously? Are you kidding?
the original form they had to turn in was quite a bit longer - try 40 blanks - and it was required to be turned in 5-6 times a month. I have narrowed that down to a 4-blank form that is turned in ONE TIME per month. and they have the audacity to complain about it! "Couldn't we make it where they didn't have to put their name in?"
Oooh! I have an idea - why don't I just create a form where they can press their forehead against the computer screen and it will download the data from their brain!
Their eyes lit up with the prospect.
Really, people, earn your money.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Angela - February 10, 2009
Well, I was just honest with someone and it was really difficult!
Matt and I decided that we were going to go to a Walter Wink seminar in Lombard, IL instead of going to the communication & spirituality seminar in our hometown this weekend. Would have been a very easy thing to fly under the radar on except that the host of the seminar just called me and asked if we were coming. So, I told her no, and that it was because we were going to Lombard to hear Walter Wink instead.
Painless enough, right? WRONG. This is precisely the kind of communication that usually gets me into trouble. Feeling bad for a decision I've made, or for changing my mind, etc. I will usually feel extreme pressure to lie ("Yep, wouldn't miss it.") or to come up with some sort of "valid" reason for not doing something.
I wonder why it is that I can be honest about major things but it is these stupid little social engagements or societal expectations that make me want to lie, lie, lie like a theiving whitie.
Oh, the anxiety. I can still feel it in my gut...rapid heartbeat...nerves on edge...tension in neck. Argh!
Since my last post there haven't been too many things to be radically honest about, other than work and things with Matt. At least nothing terribly exciting.
Confessions? Hmmm... well, I fell off the no-sugar wagon. I had A LOT of sugar at a friend's going away party on Saturday night and I had a cup of coffee with a slight bit of sugar yesterday morning. Then I decided that since I already blew it by kinda absentmindedly adding it to coffee (less than 1 teaspoons) that I should really go out with a bang so I ate 5 or 6 caramel squares last night. Alas, I'm back on the no-sugar wagon today. I must admit, though, that I am going a bit crazy. I want to consume large amounts of sugar and pass out in glucose-induced bliss.
And I am pretty confident I am either allergic to my dogs or to my house. I felt pretty good in Texas, and while I am definitely BETTER than I was a couple of weeks ago, I still feel like @$$.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Joni - Honesty goes hand in hand with ANGER!
Today my boss was impatient and irritated. Being that I am a relatively sensitive person when it comes to criticism (although I find it surprisingly easy to criticize others), I don't take his critical looks well (yes, he didn't actually verbally criticize me, he just looked critical. If you tell me I am being sensitive and hormonal, then you can take that thought and shove it up.....).
Anyway, when he wants something that I haven't given him yet and that I don't have prepared, I feel that I fall short. I value my ability to anticipate his needs and have things prepared on time (although I view deadlines as elastic...).
At any rate, I felt criticized. And for that reason, I was defensive and irritable. (and don't you DARE mention the letters P-M-S.)
This weekend I had to write a paper on personality tests for my social psychology class. Although I viewed the assignment as somewhat elementary, I seized the opportunity to learn more about my favorite subject - ME!! :-) A search for the text “personality test” on my preferred search engine (yahoo) yields “about 17,400,000 results". Oddly enough, when I searched for “dog personality test”, I get approximately 646,000 results. Due to not having opposable thumbs and the low rate of canine internet users, I assumed that the majority of these tests were also taken by humans – in fact, result number one was “What dog breed are you? The dog personality test at dogster.com” an enlightening (if not entirely scientific) test that can be found at http://www.dogster.com/quizzes/what_dog_breed_are_you/ . Apparently I’m a golden retriever. But I digress.
The other uses of personality test range from psychological use, clinical testing (however, tests used clinically tend to be more focused on personality abnormalities than personality “typing”), and actually employment screening, as well as finding your perfect life partner, finding your perfect career, and, the ever-popular, increasing your ability to serve as armchair psychologist, analyzing and testing your friends and family and thereby determining your mental superiority. The results of my test were not unexpected. I would estimate that I have taken no less than 145 personality tests in my years. They all have generally the same result; nevertheless I find great enjoyment in taking them over and over and reading about myself – a list of things I mostly already know – then marveling at the accuracy of the test. So, I guess you could say that the assignment was a sort of fun assignment for me - and the fact that I got 100 on the paper makes it even more rewarding to find out about me...
I'm now rambling and the level of frustration I feel at this point, combined with the rampant irritation wracking my body like an angry swarm of ants, means this blog can go nowhere positive. So, I end here, and tomorrow will be better (even though I have to walk to work because my car is in the shop (again) getting fixed so the window will roll up). Sigh.
Anyway, when he wants something that I haven't given him yet and that I don't have prepared, I feel that I fall short. I value my ability to anticipate his needs and have things prepared on time (although I view deadlines as elastic...).
At any rate, I felt criticized. And for that reason, I was defensive and irritable. (and don't you DARE mention the letters P-M-S.)
This weekend I had to write a paper on personality tests for my social psychology class. Although I viewed the assignment as somewhat elementary, I seized the opportunity to learn more about my favorite subject - ME!! :-) A search for the text “personality test” on my preferred search engine (yahoo) yields “about 17,400,000 results". Oddly enough, when I searched for “dog personality test”, I get approximately 646,000 results. Due to not having opposable thumbs and the low rate of canine internet users, I assumed that the majority of these tests were also taken by humans – in fact, result number one was “What dog breed are you? The dog personality test at dogster.com” an enlightening (if not entirely scientific) test that can be found at http://www.dogster.com/quizzes/what_dog_breed_are_you/ . Apparently I’m a golden retriever. But I digress.
The other uses of personality test range from psychological use, clinical testing (however, tests used clinically tend to be more focused on personality abnormalities than personality “typing”), and actually employment screening, as well as finding your perfect life partner, finding your perfect career, and, the ever-popular, increasing your ability to serve as armchair psychologist, analyzing and testing your friends and family and thereby determining your mental superiority. The results of my test were not unexpected. I would estimate that I have taken no less than 145 personality tests in my years. They all have generally the same result; nevertheless I find great enjoyment in taking them over and over and reading about myself – a list of things I mostly already know – then marveling at the accuracy of the test. So, I guess you could say that the assignment was a sort of fun assignment for me - and the fact that I got 100 on the paper makes it even more rewarding to find out about me...
I'm now rambling and the level of frustration I feel at this point, combined with the rampant irritation wracking my body like an angry swarm of ants, means this blog can go nowhere positive. So, I end here, and tomorrow will be better (even though I have to walk to work because my car is in the shop (again) getting fixed so the window will roll up). Sigh.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Angela 2/6/2009
Last night Matt and I had two new friends over. They are a local couple we've met a handful of times and each time I walk away thinking "I'd like to get to know them better." The last time I actually said "I'd like to get to know you better" to "Grace" and she said "We'd like to get to know you, too, but we were kinda waiting to see how long you would be here. The last time we spent time getting to know people from "The Commune/Farm" they moved away." I appreciated Grace's honesty. I get not wanting to invest a ton of time getting to know folks if they aren't going to be around six months or a year from now and they are destined to be one more relationship to try to maintain assisted by electronics.
Grace and Nick live on the edge of town, go to a local church, have two kids and a cat, lived for 10 years in DC... and now they live here and are working in wind energy. (BTW - I am so impressed by this I can hardly stand it.) We had a lot in common with them and look forward to getting to know them more.
Our conversations with them highlighted a few things for Matt and I.... (and this is why I am blogging about it on this infernal website.)
We want to feel at home. We want to settle down. We want a place and a people to belong to. We want to feel grounded and rooted. We want to develop a space of love for our family. We want to be able to truly live and thrive in this space and not just feel like we are "renters" or invaders.
We want to be around people whose love for each other is apparent and contagious. We want to laugh. We want to support those who mourn. We want to see forgiveness in action. We want to be with people who respect life, people who honor those around them. People who get shalom and namaste and live those principles out everyday.
There's so much to this.
Living without a home and without a people is wearing me out.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Joni - 2/5/09 - grrrrrr
Today was a completely fruitless day. I didn't get anything done that I needed to get done. I got some stuff halfway done and the piles of sticky notes have completely covered everything above my keyboard. I have piles of papers, some scribbled on, some not, file folders, pens and pencils, sun glasses, paper clips, staples, staplers, water, envelope openers, scissors - everything is haphazard on my desk and I'm just not motivated to clean it up.
Not that this situation is atypical for me - I'm perpetually an organized person in a disorganized body... I have no idea how that happened. But at any rate, today I dwelt in the misery of my disorganization, and wished that the elves would magically clean it up for me.
tomorrow I won't clean it up either, you know, because I just complain about it but I never really do anything about it.
Not that this situation is atypical for me - I'm perpetually an organized person in a disorganized body... I have no idea how that happened. But at any rate, today I dwelt in the misery of my disorganization, and wished that the elves would magically clean it up for me.
tomorrow I won't clean it up either, you know, because I just complain about it but I never really do anything about it.
Angela - 2/5/09
I thought of something important to post here last night, but I can't remember it now! Whoops! I'm thinking about writing an "open letter" to some folks explaining thoughts/feelings/and perceived lack of committment.... but not sure if I will actually do it or not. We'll see.
I think maybe I was already too honest for this radical honesty thing to be exciting.
Maybe it would be more exciting if I LIE to people for 30 days. LOL
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Joni - Day 10 - Radical Boredom
So this radical honesty thing is boring me and to tell you the truth, I'm tempted to quit (again). I typically quit anything that (a) bores me (b) takes too long (c) requires too much effort.
Does that make me lazy? A quitter? I'm very good at sticking to things that have immediate gratification - i.e., breathing, eating...
Anyway, I was radically honest with the mortgage guy today and he said my credit score was pretty good. I'm kinda impressed with myself. And I think that I should buy a house. For me, for the kids - and just for all of us! That would be super-cool. Me, a single homeowner and independent woman... not something I imagined!!
Yay!
Does that make me lazy? A quitter? I'm very good at sticking to things that have immediate gratification - i.e., breathing, eating...
Anyway, I was radically honest with the mortgage guy today and he said my credit score was pretty good. I'm kinda impressed with myself. And I think that I should buy a house. For me, for the kids - and just for all of us! That would be super-cool. Me, a single homeowner and independent woman... not something I imagined!!
Yay!
Angela - 2/4/09
Not much time today so I'll keep it short. The day of the Big Meeting is here. I'm slightly nervous. Lots of things to prepare this morning. I've got some Buyer's Remorse about spending money on something that seems frivolous. I'm feeling better -- at long last -- and I'm hoping that I am *really* better and that it is not just Texas. That would suck. I'm bored with this experiment.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Mark's Truth V. Joni's Truth
MArk has this really annoying habit. I do rearrange thing from time to time, I'll admit right off, but I almost always know where I rearranged it to. And if I moved it, it was most likely moved to a more logical location.
Mark's annoying habit is that he puts things up and forgets where he puts them. Then he blames me for losing them, when in reality, I never saw said item.
Generally it goes like this:
"Joni do you know where my _____ is? (Fill in the blank with tool, extension cord, DVD, little scrap of paper with writing all over it, USB drive.... you get the picture)"
Me: "Um, no. I haven't seen it did you look _____?" (Fill in the blank with various logical locations for said item - i.e, if i had put it away, where would i have put it)
Him: "No, its not there." (He didn't look yet, but has determined my first effort is wrong)
Me: "Ok, how about ______? (Fill in the blank with illogical location, but a typical place he might have put it)"
Him: NO! It's not there!! You lost it!!!
Me: I doubt if I lost it.
Him: You lost it - you're always moving things.
Me: No, I didn't lose it. I'll look for it when I get home.
Him: You just THREW IT AWAY (this is the typical final card he plays before the final pout and yell)
Him: pout pout pout yell yell yell pout pout hang up.
Me: rolling eyes
When I get home, I spend approximately 4 minutes looking in said logical and illogical locations where I think he might have put it. Oh, surprise! It is exactly where he left it (and in plain sight).
In my grandfather's words... "If it wuz a snake it would have bit ya!"
Mark's annoying habit is that he puts things up and forgets where he puts them. Then he blames me for losing them, when in reality, I never saw said item.
Generally it goes like this:
"Joni do you know where my _____ is? (Fill in the blank with tool, extension cord, DVD, little scrap of paper with writing all over it, USB drive.... you get the picture)"
Me: "Um, no. I haven't seen it did you look _____?" (Fill in the blank with various logical locations for said item - i.e, if i had put it away, where would i have put it)
Him: "No, its not there." (He didn't look yet, but has determined my first effort is wrong)
Me: "Ok, how about ______? (Fill in the blank with illogical location, but a typical place he might have put it)"
Him: NO! It's not there!! You lost it!!!
Me: I doubt if I lost it.
Him: You lost it - you're always moving things.
Me: No, I didn't lose it. I'll look for it when I get home.
Him: You just THREW IT AWAY (this is the typical final card he plays before the final pout and yell)
Him: pout pout pout yell yell yell pout pout hang up.
Me: rolling eyes
When I get home, I spend approximately 4 minutes looking in said logical and illogical locations where I think he might have put it. Oh, surprise! It is exactly where he left it (and in plain sight).
In my grandfather's words... "If it wuz a snake it would have bit ya!"
Mark lost it. I swear!!
Mark has this really annoying habit. I do rearrange thing from time to time, I'll admit right off, but I almost always know where I rearranged it to. And if I moved it, it was most likely moved to a more logical location.
Mark's annoying habit is that he puts things up and forgets where he puts them. Then he blames me for losing them, when in reality, I never saw said item.
Generally it goes like this:
"Joni do you know where my _____ is? (Fill in the blank with tool, extension cord, DVD, little scrap of paper with writing all over it, USB drive.... you get the picture)"
Me: "Um, no. I haven't seen it did you look _____?" (Fill in the blank with various logical locations for said item - i.e, if i had put it away, where would i have put it)
Him: "No, its not there." (He didn't look yet, but has determined my first effort is wrong)
Me: "Ok, how about ______? (Fill in the blank with illogical location, but a typical place he might have put it)"
Him: NO! It's not there!! You lost it!!!
Me: I doubt if I lost it.
Him: You lost it - you're always moving things.
Me: No, I didn't lose it. I'll look for it when I get home.
Him: You just THREW IT AWAY (this is the typical final card he plays before the final pout and yell)
Him: pout pout pout yell yell yell pout pout hang up.
Me: rolling eyes
When I get home, I spend approximately 4 minutes looking in said logical and illogical locations where I think he might have put it. Oh, surprise! It is exactly where he left it (and in plain sight).
In my grandfather's words... "If it wuz a snake it would have bit ya!"
Mark's annoying habit is that he puts things up and forgets where he puts them. Then he blames me for losing them, when in reality, I never saw said item.
Generally it goes like this:
"Joni do you know where my _____ is? (Fill in the blank with tool, extension cord, DVD, little scrap of paper with writing all over it, USB drive.... you get the picture)"
Me: "Um, no. I haven't seen it did you look _____?" (Fill in the blank with various logical locations for said item - i.e, if i had put it away, where would i have put it)
Him: "No, its not there." (He didn't look yet, but has determined my first effort is wrong)
Me: "Ok, how about ______? (Fill in the blank with illogical location, but a typical place he might have put it)"
Him: NO! It's not there!! You lost it!!!
Me: I doubt if I lost it.
Him: You lost it - you're always moving things.
Me: No, I didn't lose it. I'll look for it when I get home.
Him: You just THREW IT AWAY (this is the typical final card he plays before the final pout and yell)
Him: pout pout pout yell yell yell pout pout hang up.
Me: rolling eyes
When I get home, I spend approximately 4 minutes looking in said logical and illogical locations where I think he might have put it. Oh, surprise! It is exactly where he left it (and in plain sight).
In my grandfather's words... "If it wuz a snake it would have bit ya!"
Angela - 2/2/09
I took the weekend off blogging, but I was still honest.
Nothing interesting to report. I am sorry I am letting you down, dear reader.
You will be glad to know that I finished an entire book on the plane yesterday, that my head did not blow up (contrary to my fears), and that the meetings today were slightly more productive than usual (and typically stressful).
Usually before these meetings I spend hours and hours making sure that everything I could possibly need or need to present is prepared and ready. That I can answer all the questions thrown at me. But last night I just really didn't feel like dedicating a ton of time to preparation after having traveled for 6 hours. So I didn't do my usual "pre-meeting" dance till dawn with the Lenovo T60.
I'm thankful for that today. It's 4:24pm and things are mostly good. And I am not exhausted, despite the fact that little Asher kept Old Aunt Ang up till about 1 AM this morning.
More later....if I have something interesting to say.
Day 8 - Its all becoming [more] clear and [less] convoluted
...or, 'its all becoming more or less clear and convoluted.'
I have this problem. I'm a compulsive confessor. Yes, I am. I believe that my guilt reflex is overactive, much like an overactive pancreas overreacts and dumps too much insulin into the blood stream in diabetics, I have guilt problems. I feel guilt about pretty much everything, whether I *should* feel guilty or not. And then I confess to the things I *think* I might be guilty of and then you have all kinds of issues. I'm not sure if this falls under the radical honesty part of me or not. I think deep down, I'm radically honest to a fault when it comes to things I feel guilty about.
So, to complicate my life, I feel the need to tell Mark about everything I think he might be upset about that I have done. I don't know why but my mouth opens and things start spilling out of it, and I just watch from a distance, with morbid fascination at the mess I am making with my confessions - confessions not even about facts, but more about feelings and guilt. GUILT. My constant companion.
Last night I felt the need to be radically honest with Mark about [him] and I told Mark the story. The whole story. Read: I felt the need to confess where my mind had been. Read: my overactive guilt complex was making me crazy with the feeling that although I had not LIED to Mark about anything that had been going on, I still had not TOLD him, and therefore had lied by ommission, right?
I'm pretty sure there's a DSM code for my compulsive confession and my guilt reflex. I told him everything - and by everything I mean everything that seemed relevant - and then I burst into tears. Because I realized - happily, but also depressingly - that I am NOT still in love with [him] (its actually a realization that has been creeping up on me for some time) but more, I am sad that my life has been derailed and his has continued as planned. I am 30 and I have accomplished none of my goals. I quit everything. I'm a huge failure. And while those confessions may not be exactly *radical truth*, they are indeed the truth of how I feel.
So, sigh of relief that I'm not still in love with [him]
Pang of guilt that I spent 2 weeks 4 days thinking about [him] and [us] obsessively
And ache of remorse that my life is not how I planned it. And the fact that [his] is, makes it even more clear that I have once again, failed. miserably.
Mark mentioned a truth, however, that plans change, roads twist and turn, and sometimes the path we have mapped out for ourselves doesn't exactly come to fruition. But that, if we keep looking back, while we're barrelling down the track of life, we increase the odds of being derailed over and over and over. And it hit home. He is right, and I have done that so many times.
I love Mark. He is amazing and wonderful for me. and THAT is radically honest.
I have this problem. I'm a compulsive confessor. Yes, I am. I believe that my guilt reflex is overactive, much like an overactive pancreas overreacts and dumps too much insulin into the blood stream in diabetics, I have guilt problems. I feel guilt about pretty much everything, whether I *should* feel guilty or not. And then I confess to the things I *think* I might be guilty of and then you have all kinds of issues. I'm not sure if this falls under the radical honesty part of me or not. I think deep down, I'm radically honest to a fault when it comes to things I feel guilty about.
So, to complicate my life, I feel the need to tell Mark about everything I think he might be upset about that I have done. I don't know why but my mouth opens and things start spilling out of it, and I just watch from a distance, with morbid fascination at the mess I am making with my confessions - confessions not even about facts, but more about feelings and guilt. GUILT. My constant companion.
Last night I felt the need to be radically honest with Mark about [him] and I told Mark the story. The whole story. Read: I felt the need to confess where my mind had been. Read: my overactive guilt complex was making me crazy with the feeling that although I had not LIED to Mark about anything that had been going on, I still had not TOLD him, and therefore had lied by ommission, right?
I'm pretty sure there's a DSM code for my compulsive confession and my guilt reflex. I told him everything - and by everything I mean everything that seemed relevant - and then I burst into tears. Because I realized - happily, but also depressingly - that I am NOT still in love with [him] (its actually a realization that has been creeping up on me for some time) but more, I am sad that my life has been derailed and his has continued as planned. I am 30 and I have accomplished none of my goals. I quit everything. I'm a huge failure. And while those confessions may not be exactly *radical truth*, they are indeed the truth of how I feel.
So, sigh of relief that I'm not still in love with [him]
Pang of guilt that I spent 2 weeks 4 days thinking about [him] and [us] obsessively
And ache of remorse that my life is not how I planned it. And the fact that [his] is, makes it even more clear that I have once again, failed. miserably.
Mark mentioned a truth, however, that plans change, roads twist and turn, and sometimes the path we have mapped out for ourselves doesn't exactly come to fruition. But that, if we keep looking back, while we're barrelling down the track of life, we increase the odds of being derailed over and over and over. And it hit home. He is right, and I have done that so many times.
I love Mark. He is amazing and wonderful for me. and THAT is radically honest.
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