Day 8 - Its all becoming [more] clear and [less] convoluted

...or, 'its all becoming more or less clear and convoluted.'

I have this problem. I'm a compulsive confessor. Yes, I am. I believe that my guilt reflex is overactive, much like an overactive pancreas overreacts and dumps too much insulin into the blood stream in diabetics, I have guilt problems. I feel guilt about pretty much everything, whether I *should* feel guilty or not. And then I confess to the things I *think* I might be guilty of and then you have all kinds of issues. I'm not sure if this falls under the radical honesty part of me or not. I think deep down, I'm radically honest to a fault when it comes to things I feel guilty about.

So, to complicate my life, I feel the need to tell Mark about everything I think he might be upset about that I have done. I don't know why but my mouth opens and things start spilling out of it, and I just watch from a distance, with morbid fascination at the mess I am making with my confessions - confessions not even about facts, but more about feelings and guilt. GUILT. My constant companion.

Last night I felt the need to be radically honest with Mark about [him] and I told Mark the story. The whole story. Read: I felt the need to confess where my mind had been. Read: my overactive guilt complex was making me crazy with the feeling that although I had not LIED to Mark about anything that had been going on, I still had not TOLD him, and therefore had lied by ommission, right?

I'm pretty sure there's a DSM code for my compulsive confession and my guilt reflex. I told him everything - and by everything I mean everything that seemed relevant - and then I burst into tears. Because I realized - happily, but also depressingly - that I am NOT still in love with [him] (its actually a realization that has been creeping up on me for some time) but more, I am sad that my life has been derailed and his has continued as planned. I am 30 and I have accomplished none of my goals. I quit everything. I'm a huge failure. And while those confessions may not be exactly *radical truth*, they are indeed the truth of how I feel.

So, sigh of relief that I'm not still in love with [him]
Pang of guilt that I spent 2 weeks 4 days thinking about [him] and [us] obsessively
And ache of remorse that my life is not how I planned it. And the fact that [his] is, makes it even more clear that I have once again, failed. miserably.

Mark mentioned a truth, however, that plans change, roads twist and turn, and sometimes the path we have mapped out for ourselves doesn't exactly come to fruition. But that, if we keep looking back, while we're barrelling down the track of life, we increase the odds of being derailed over and over and over. And it hit home. He is right, and I have done that so many times.

I love Mark. He is amazing and wonderful for me. and THAT is radically honest.