So I went to Gateway Church again this week. Last week when I went, I felt like I should go forward and get prayed for, mostly out of habit - because I typically feel like I should "get right" with God when I go to church (which is why I avoid church whenever possible). Anyway, I didn't go forward last week. (I used to get this enormous anxiety when I didn't do what I felt that God and/or the Pastor was telling me to do - and I would think terrible things would happen if I didn't go - primarily because of that verse in the Bible that talks about ignoring the Spirit and how it will stop talking to you if you ignore it..??)
ANYWAY, I didn't go forward last week and nothing bad happened except that I had a really bad attitude all week, probably in no part related to not going forward. This week, I went to Gateway again, and again I thought I should go forward and get prayed for. So, in order to prove to myself that it would change nothing, I went forward.
If you've never gone to an altar call at the end of a service, basically its like this: a line of people are standing at the front of the church - prayerfully standing, I would say - these are the "altar ministry team" or the "church elders" or the "deacons" or whatever they call them in whatever denomination you go do, but they are there to pray for you. Sometimes its just the pastor of the church in a smaller congregation, which makes it even HARDER to go forward and get prayed for because its the PASTOR and you don't want him to think anything bad about you! But I digress. The "altar ministry team" in this case, are facing the audiance who is either gathering up their personal effects as worship concludes or who are already filing out of the auditorium heading to their respective cars and respective lunches.
A few pitiful people in need of prayer are fighting the onslaught of escaping Christians and heading toward the altar. The leaving Christians don't meet the eyes of the altaring Christian because of an unspoken rule that you pretend you didn't see that person walking toward the altar going to "get right" with God and you pretend that you don't wonder what they did WRONG that they needed to get right about - maybe they had an affair with their boss, or maybe they screwed someone in a business deal or maybe - oh the horror - they used drugs, or alcohol to excess!! These thoughts are very obvious to the altaring Christian because they have themselves had these thoughts when they weren't the unfortunate who is making their way against the flow of traffic to the altar.
Anyway, I headed to the altar to get prayed for. Its pure luck who you get at the altar, it just depends on the altar ministry team, but you can bet that if you are a woman, they are going to steer you toward a woman altar ministry team member and if you are a man, it will be a man. I got steered to this lady with extremely condescending eyes who was going to pray for me. Not like there was a long line or anything.
She started off by asking me all the typical questions like "What’s on your heart?" and "Have you turned over your life to Jesus?" and "What can I pray with you for today?" and I just looked at her and started talking - something about her condescending eyes and the blankness behind them just set me off.
I said "You know what, I don't know why I came down here. I'm mad. I'm REALLY MAD at God. Really Mad. I don't think you understand how mad. I have done everything to serve him my whole life- MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE! - and the ONE TIME I really needed him, he deserts me. Now THATS A God that doesn't seem good for much. I serve him my whole life and when I need him back, he's nowhere to be found?? I'm MAD."
She looks shocked.
She tells me she's glad I "confessed" this (like its a SIN to be mad at GOD! it isn't, is it?).
I said, feeling the need to justify my anger, "Well, you know, King David in the Old Testament was mad alot. He was very verbal! He told God how it felt to be ditched! And asked him why God was setting a table before his enemies - "
She cuts me off.
She stresses that she's glad I confessed this and its the first step in getting right with God.
Except that I don't WANT to be right with God! I just want her to know I'm PISSED! And I want him (God, that is) to know I'm pissed, too! In fact, I'm not even sure why I came forward during the altar call because this is the only thought screaming through my brain. And then she asked me if I told God how I felt about it.
I was like DUH. YES, I told God. Do you think he answered me? Nope. Do you think he rectified the situation? Nope.
By this time I was crying. Tears streaming down my face because I'm just so PISSED OFF that I'm standing here in the front of the church with condescending-eyes-lady and I just want her to pray with me so I can leave. Actually, I just want to stomp off, but I won't do that.
So she prays this prayer about how she's glad I confessed how I felt (again, like it was a SIN!) and she knows God can heal my heart and her prayer is so dry and emotionless, that it calms my anger and I'm not longer streaming tears or shaking. Thank GOODNESS. by the time she finishes praying, I have regained my composure.
Then I thank her and she tells me that if I'm divorced I should come to DivorceCare Group at church because maybe my anger is related to that. Really. Like she would KNOW! Just because I have a sorry ex-husband who ruined my life and HAPPENS to be a self-professed "man of God" do you really think that means I'm BITTER and ANGRY at God because of the divorce? Really? Because I WANTED THAT DIVORCE! OK... well, maybe she has a point.
::rolling eyes::
And God, since I know you're reading this, I mean every word of it! Just so you know, I'm MAD. And I DO feel like not only did you ditch me, but you chose HIS side. And he wasn't even right! It makes me SICK!!!!
So there.
...and now I feel like a petulant little 3 year old stomping her foot at her dad.
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