So I have this thing about talking about money. I don't. Ever. Period.
I don't talk about having money, I don't talk about wanting more money, and I CERTAINLY don't talk about not having money. I don't even like hearing other people talk about money.
For this reason, the recession has left me with very few news-watching opportunities. It seems like every time I turn on the news, all they are talking about is money, money, money! Its like watching dental procedures!!! (I also have a thing about teeth, but that's another topic altogether).
Growing up, my family was pretty poor. My dad worked a low-paying job, and my mom mostly stayed home until I was in high school. We had no money whatsoever. We would eat beans, rice, and homemade tortillas every day except Sunday, when we would have meat. Sometimes our electric bill wouldn't be paid. One year at Christmas, we didn't have the money for Christmas presents.
My parents were strong Christians and my dad worked for a church and we didn't have two dimes to rub together. My mom managed to make us some teddy bears - she had a sewing machine and was a great seamstress - and that was going to be our Christmas gift. We didn't even have a tree until Christmas eve, when someone wanting to get rid of trees on their lot gave us one. But Christmas morning was a huge surprise - we woke up to presents under the tree, and not just a few, a LOT. A local church had found out about our need, and they made Christmas happen for us.
Throughout my childhood and youth, my parents were giving. They would give the shirt off their back if they saw a need. We lived in small houses, we didn't get the "extras" but we were happy and we got used to it. It wasn't until I had kids of my own that I realized how hard it must have been for my parents to say "No, we don't have the money for ____" to us so many times growing up.
One of the first things my parents taught me was to be thankful, though. And to give back. I learned to tithe as a young child. It wasn't just about the fact that God needed my money (because, let's be real: God didn't need the 2 sweaty quarters out of a five dollar bill I earned babysitting that I dropped in the passing offering plate). It wasn't about the church either. It was about trusting that I had enough. And it was about being grateful for what I had. And it was about giving back. My parents taught us that tithing was a symbol of where your heart was. People put their money toward what matters to them. It was a principal that stuck with me throughout my life - where I put my money is where my heart is.
So, I grew up tithing. I tithed off every check I made when I got a job, and all my babysitting money, and then when I got married I tithed, too. I never had a lot of money, but I always had enough. Sometimes I didn't know where my money was going to come from to pay the electric bill, but it seemed that I was always taken care of.
When my husband and I split up in 2006, I was left again without anything. No possessions to my name, no furniture, no place to live, no job, and NO money. I didn't even have a car. And, yes, I was having money PTSD. My kids and I would eat at my family's house when there wasn't any food in the cabinet to eat. A few times, we went to the food bank. It was adding insult to injury for me. I was mad at God, and I thought the least he could do is take care of me and the kids, after all those years of being generous, not only in my tithe, but in giving to people. I lived a generous lifestyle. If I had the money, I would give it to someone if they needed it. ((Sometimes if they didn't need it)).
I felt that God owed me, for being faithful all those years. And I felt abandoned. But... there was always enough for us. When I didn't have a place to stay, something came open at the low income apartments down the street. When I couldn't afford a lawyer, God put it on someone's heart that I barely knew, who generously paid my attorney. When I didn't have a car, the money came from my dad. And that first Christmas, when I didn't have money to buy my kids a single Christmas present ((AND I was abandoned by God! haha)), a friend found out and overwhelmed us with gifts and food from a local church. A church that didn't even know us. I didn't ask for any of this. I never ask for help, but God knew I needed some extra help and worked it out. It was a gentle reminder that God would take care of me.
But trust is hard. Trust means giving up [my] control and [my] ability to "make things happen" on [my] own. A few years later, I had managed to buy a car, buy a house, land a good stable job, and attain financial independence. For the first time in my life, I wasn't dependent on a man for my existence. I was independent and in control, and I loved it. I was even able to be generous with my finances sometimes, and help other people. It felt good.
As the months and years passed, I felt comfortably secure. It wasn't that I had a lot, but I had enough to live on. I knew that I could protect myself and my children. It was something to be proud of and I was, rightly, proud of myself. I didn't want help from anyone: I needed to feel that security for the first time in my life, and to know for myself that I could take care of my family.
As I became involved in church again, I didn't begin to tithe again. Clarification: I don't think that was wrong of me. I think I had a lot of healing to do, and the church was reaching out to me and healing me. And I think God was good with all of that.
But over the past few months, financial storm after financial storm has hit us. An increase in mortgage, an air conditioner that stopped working, a broken down vehicle, unexpected medical bills, and a lost job. It has landed me back in the scrambling spot. The place where [I] try to figure out how to make it work.
So when the pastor at my church started talking about tithing, I wasn't having any part of it. I had given my money away generously my entire life - when I saw a need, I tried to help. Not just my money but my time and possessions too! I think I'm a generous person... when I can still maintain control. But right now? No way. I don't have enough money to give to church right now. Maybe someday. Maybe when we get back on our feet. Maybe when I'm in control again.
But that's the rub. It's not that God needs my money: It's that God needs my trust. And when I'm not tithing, because "I'm a big girl and I can do it ALL. BY. MY. SELF!!", I don't give God a chance to show me he can be trusted to take care of me. To take care of us.
And my control issues? Where I want to be in charge and do it all by myself? Well, that's just code for "I don't trust you, God. I can do a better job with my life than you can. Oh, and by the way, I don't think you care enough about me to meet my needs."
It is what it is, and everyday I'm learning to trust God more. After finally conceding to God that I would trust him with my finances, not a minute later, I got a text from my brother, Chad. It said:
Well. THAT'S pretty clear, God.
I don't talk about having money, I don't talk about wanting more money, and I CERTAINLY don't talk about not having money. I don't even like hearing other people talk about money.
For this reason, the recession has left me with very few news-watching opportunities. It seems like every time I turn on the news, all they are talking about is money, money, money! Its like watching dental procedures!!! (I also have a thing about teeth, but that's another topic altogether).
Growing up, my family was pretty poor. My dad worked a low-paying job, and my mom mostly stayed home until I was in high school. We had no money whatsoever. We would eat beans, rice, and homemade tortillas every day except Sunday, when we would have meat. Sometimes our electric bill wouldn't be paid. One year at Christmas, we didn't have the money for Christmas presents.
My parents were strong Christians and my dad worked for a church and we didn't have two dimes to rub together. My mom managed to make us some teddy bears - she had a sewing machine and was a great seamstress - and that was going to be our Christmas gift. We didn't even have a tree until Christmas eve, when someone wanting to get rid of trees on their lot gave us one. But Christmas morning was a huge surprise - we woke up to presents under the tree, and not just a few, a LOT. A local church had found out about our need, and they made Christmas happen for us.
Throughout my childhood and youth, my parents were giving. They would give the shirt off their back if they saw a need. We lived in small houses, we didn't get the "extras" but we were happy and we got used to it. It wasn't until I had kids of my own that I realized how hard it must have been for my parents to say "No, we don't have the money for ____" to us so many times growing up.
One of the first things my parents taught me was to be thankful, though. And to give back. I learned to tithe as a young child. It wasn't just about the fact that God needed my money (because, let's be real: God didn't need the 2 sweaty quarters out of a five dollar bill I earned babysitting that I dropped in the passing offering plate). It wasn't about the church either. It was about trusting that I had enough. And it was about being grateful for what I had. And it was about giving back. My parents taught us that tithing was a symbol of where your heart was. People put their money toward what matters to them. It was a principal that stuck with me throughout my life - where I put my money is where my heart is.
So, I grew up tithing. I tithed off every check I made when I got a job, and all my babysitting money, and then when I got married I tithed, too. I never had a lot of money, but I always had enough. Sometimes I didn't know where my money was going to come from to pay the electric bill, but it seemed that I was always taken care of.
When my husband and I split up in 2006, I was left again without anything. No possessions to my name, no furniture, no place to live, no job, and NO money. I didn't even have a car. And, yes, I was having money PTSD. My kids and I would eat at my family's house when there wasn't any food in the cabinet to eat. A few times, we went to the food bank. It was adding insult to injury for me. I was mad at God, and I thought the least he could do is take care of me and the kids, after all those years of being generous, not only in my tithe, but in giving to people. I lived a generous lifestyle. If I had the money, I would give it to someone if they needed it. ((Sometimes if they didn't need it)).
I felt that God owed me, for being faithful all those years. And I felt abandoned. But... there was always enough for us. When I didn't have a place to stay, something came open at the low income apartments down the street. When I couldn't afford a lawyer, God put it on someone's heart that I barely knew, who generously paid my attorney. When I didn't have a car, the money came from my dad. And that first Christmas, when I didn't have money to buy my kids a single Christmas present ((AND I was abandoned by God! haha)), a friend found out and overwhelmed us with gifts and food from a local church. A church that didn't even know us. I didn't ask for any of this. I never ask for help, but God knew I needed some extra help and worked it out. It was a gentle reminder that God would take care of me.
But trust is hard. Trust means giving up [my] control and [my] ability to "make things happen" on [my] own. A few years later, I had managed to buy a car, buy a house, land a good stable job, and attain financial independence. For the first time in my life, I wasn't dependent on a man for my existence. I was independent and in control, and I loved it. I was even able to be generous with my finances sometimes, and help other people. It felt good.
As the months and years passed, I felt comfortably secure. It wasn't that I had a lot, but I had enough to live on. I knew that I could protect myself and my children. It was something to be proud of and I was, rightly, proud of myself. I didn't want help from anyone: I needed to feel that security for the first time in my life, and to know for myself that I could take care of my family.
As I became involved in church again, I didn't begin to tithe again. Clarification: I don't think that was wrong of me. I think I had a lot of healing to do, and the church was reaching out to me and healing me. And I think God was good with all of that.
But over the past few months, financial storm after financial storm has hit us. An increase in mortgage, an air conditioner that stopped working, a broken down vehicle, unexpected medical bills, and a lost job. It has landed me back in the scrambling spot. The place where [I] try to figure out how to make it work.
So when the pastor at my church started talking about tithing, I wasn't having any part of it. I had given my money away generously my entire life - when I saw a need, I tried to help. Not just my money but my time and possessions too! I think I'm a generous person... when I can still maintain control. But right now? No way. I don't have enough money to give to church right now. Maybe someday. Maybe when we get back on our feet. Maybe when I'm in control again.
But that's the rub. It's not that God needs my money: It's that God needs my trust. And when I'm not tithing, because "I'm a big girl and I can do it ALL. BY. MY. SELF!!", I don't give God a chance to show me he can be trusted to take care of me. To take care of us.
And my control issues? Where I want to be in charge and do it all by myself? Well, that's just code for "I don't trust you, God. I can do a better job with my life than you can. Oh, and by the way, I don't think you care enough about me to meet my needs."
It is what it is, and everyday I'm learning to trust God more. After finally conceding to God that I would trust him with my finances, not a minute later, I got a text from my brother, Chad. It said:
Today when I was praying and reading my Bible, I felt really strongly that I should share this message with you from God: "Never once did you ever walk alone. Never once did I leave you on your own. I am faithful, your father, your friend... let me show you my love and lead you."
Well. THAT'S pretty clear, God.
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