post script on sexual abuse

**As I was writing my blog yesterday, I discovered that I wrote this but never posted it, following my sexual abuse post. I wanted to post it now. Consider it a late P.S. 
Sometimes I think I'm "over" the things in my past, I spend months in a place of homeostasis. Then something happens, and suddenly I'm having vivid nightmares again. Please know, if this is your story, too, that you're not alone. After writing the post on Sexual Abuse and PTSD, I almost gave up my blog. I didn't write or post for months. It was the hardest thing I've ever written, and it still knocks the air out of me sometimes. But, as my friend, Cyn, says, "You are talking and you are ok." If this is your story, please don't stop talking. We share more than you know.**

The thing that happens with sexual abuse is, like a surgeon, it skillfully and exactly severs the tie between your soul and your body. It then strangles your soul until all you are left with is a shell of who you were, walking around empty. It doesn't leave you alone, though... when it steals your soul and life, it leaves you with companions - post traumatic stress, fear, self-hatred, isolation, loneliness, guilt, and shame. So you walk through life with companions you never asked for. With dreams you never wished upon. With feelings you question. You learn to never trust yourself, and certainly to never trust anyone else.



When I posted my story of survival on my blog, it was by far the hardest thing I have posted about. I have bared my soul here. I have cried through blog posts as I was writing them. I have feared what people would think of me. But this post was dry-eyed and detached. And also very scary. You see, when you are raped or sexually abused, you become a victim. When you heal and move on, you become a survivor putting together pieces of who you were before. But it is, for most of us, survival in silence. You don't speak of what happened to you. You are ashamed of the memories and the acts, and how that impacts your life today. Shame is food for the companions you keep. Sexual abuse is shushed and turned away from. Sexual abuse is hidden and taboo.

When I posted my blog, I didn't feel pain for what I have gone through. I've dealt with that pain. I didn't feel sadness or regret. What I felt was anxiety about what people would think of me and of my story. My story made me different. My story made me unrelatable. My story would make people judge me. View me as damaged goods. I thought.

When I posted my story, I thought I was going to throw up. I immediately emailed my best friend and asked her to please tell me I did the right thing. I thought about taking it down. I thought about burying it again. But instead I left it there and waited.

Within hours of posting it, I had received a dozen emails and comments.
"It happened to me too." 
"I thought I was the only one." 
"I still deal with that... every day."
"Here's my story..."
"Thank you for sharing this."

Instead of making me a victim again, of other people's judgment, I received the truth - that I was not alone. Sexual abuse lies to you. It says "You are alone. You are judged by everyone who knows. You are worthless. No one will ever want you. No one can ever love you - how could they?"

But the truth is, you're beautiful. The truth is, those things that happened to me are not my personal tragedy... they are the reason I am who I am today. The very things that ripped apart my soul are the things that allow me to heal and give hope to other people.

Dawn said it best when she said "I was a victim... now I'm not only a survivor, but an overcomer."
I know the way, I've walked that path, I've overcome the obstacles, and others too - - its a shame that so many of us did this in silence and alone. 

For those of us who are Overcomers now... I think we owe it to each other to say we've been there... and to not knowingly allow another to walk that path alone.

For the victims and survivors of sexual abuse, I make a personal promise that if you need to talk... if you need to tell your story to someone who will listen and not judge, someone who's been there and cried those tears, I am here, and I pledge to you that I will not let you walk this path alone. Telling your story heals. My personal email is here and my telephone number is 817-455-7347. If you don't reach out to me, reach out to someone. You are NOT alone.