Balance? What balance??

I recieved this email today:

Hi Joni,
I am one of the authors from EmpoweringLDSWomen.blogspot.com, and we're collecting guest posts from various inspiring mothers discussing how they are able to find balance in motherhood. We're posting these stories in a blog series the week before Mother's Day. Would you be willing to participate and write about how as a mother you are able to balance the many constraints on your time and still find time to do things that are rejuvenating for you? If so, we’d like your post to include the following things:

1. An introduction with some personal information about you and your family (it doesn’t have to be very detailed).
2. At least one picture if possible.
3. A discussion about things that demand your time in a typical daily/weekly schedule, as well as any long-term time constraints you have dealt with (e.g. how you balanced pursuing an education with starting a family, etc).
4. Most importantly, as you deal with all the different demands of Motherhood, how are you able to follow Elder Ballard’s advice to “find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests,” while not getting caught up in “time-wasting, mind-numbing things like television soap operas or surfing the Internet”?

Thanks also for the inspiring insights you always share on your blog. I'm still fairly new at this, and I look forward to hopefully getting to know you better.

Although I had to politely decline the invitation, due to the fact that I'm not LDS and I haven't the faintest idea who Elder Ballard is, I thought I would like to write the article anyway.

Introduction & my family
I am 32 years old. I will be 1/3 of a century on May 31 to be exact. I have three amaaaazing children, who are Bella (8 and ONE HALF, she emphasizes), Will (7) and Jesse (5):

 My children were all born prematurely after months of bedrest. Because she was born 6 weeks early and on the ventilator for 11 days (in the NICU for 3 weeks), Bella is hearing impaired. She has 60% bilateral sensorineural progressive hearing loss, which means that she wears hearing aids and still doesn't hear everything that's said, and it won't ever get better. It has been a challenge at school and at home, but she's so smart and imaginative, I know she'll be successful. Will and Jesse are thankfully healthy and hearing and they crack me up with their dance moves.

I am divorced. That's right - I went through the BIG D in 2006, when my husband left me in NC, took my children, and moved to Texas to be near his family. I followed, and now I live here to be close to my kiddos. We have joint custody, but he has them more than I do for the most part. That was not my choice, but feel free to judge me anyway. :)

My other half is Mark, who has been beside me through the thick and thin for 4 years last month.

Oh, and I should probably mention what "thick and thin" includes: Being a step-parent to 3 kids when he has none of his own. Knowing that the two of us will never have children together, since I had a tubal ligation. Dealing with an ex-husband who can be controlling and manipulative (and who, for many many years, I allowed to control, manipulate and abuse me). Oh, and dealing with ME: moody, emotional, high-energy, desparate need to win and have acceptance, and vulnerable beyond belief (while trying to maintain my fierce demeanor of confidence and control).

Things that demand my time are many. I work full time as the Director of Human Resources for a large restaurant franchise owner. We have 215 stores and employed 16,000 people last year. I have been here for 4 years. I also go to school. I take six hours every semester through UNT, working on a Bachelors in Human Services Leadership and Management. I like to volunteer alot and sit on several boards, because I love non-profit work and helping people. I really think I can help change the world. On top of all that, I write (besides this blog, I wrote a short memoir in November during Nanowrimo, and I sometimes write various other things like video scripts and help friends out with other projects). I'm a member of Gateway Church. I practice yoga. I am starting up a non-profit... And my kids!! My kids are so amazing. Scroll up, look at those pictures again. They are amazing!! But with my schedule, I do have to prioritize them. I mean, I really have to make an effort to make sure they and Mark are my number one priorities.

The time constraints are difficult sometimes. I'm a habitual over-committer. I say yes before I think. Then, when my plate is so full that I can't take another thing, I have a meltdown and Mark picks up the pieces. ((It's unhealthy.)) Which is why I resolved to change things and simplify my life to just a few things. Things that I named up there. Minus the current volunteering. I still sit on boards, but I'm not an active volunteer.

Last May, Mark got a job out of town - in Chicago. That's a ways from Texas. He worked there for 6 months before coming home for 3 months. Now he is in East Texas. Closer, but still not here every night. So, finding time for myself? It's hit and miss.

Not getting caught up in "time wasting, mind numbing things like television soap operas or surfing the internet"? Well..... honestly? I'm not a big TV fan. I read alot, but I don't watch much TV. But surfing the internet? GUILTY. It numbs the mind, thats for sure, but I need a good mind-numbing from time to time.

Balance and motherhood is hard. Heck, balance and being a human being is hard! My kids are top priority for me, but does that make me feel less guilty for being at work instead of school lunches? Or instead of at the PTA meeting scheduled for the middle of the afternoon? Or being out of town at a meeting instead of at my son's concert? Or having to spend 4 nights a week without hearing their breath in the other room? No. I am the queen of guilt. I'm the queen of "not good enough" and I constantly battle with inadequacy and fear. I'm terrified that I'm going to be one of those moms that you have to go to therapy to "recover" from. I worry about the divorce and how that affects them, and I wonder if I've screwed them up forever. I feel guilty for everything from the lost temper at Walmart to the homework I forgot to sign. I've grown quite used to the feeling of not being "good enough."

So, in conclusion, I'm afraid I can't comment on balance and motherhood, or spirituality and motherhood, or even being a fulfilled human being. I know that I love God, and I love my fellow human beings. I know that I'm passionate about some things and I hope that I can pass those things on to my kids:
I am passionate about the written word.
I am passionate about God and love and compassion.
I am passionate about family and community.
I love wholeheartedly and I'm always trying to improve.
I hope that my children will see in me a good example of acceptance and love and non-judgmental attitudes...

And I hope my children, beyond everything, know that I believe in them. Thats all I can do.