the end is near - a case for the zombie apocalypse

In case you were wondering, it’s pretty much fact that we’ve reached the end times. I mean, if you believe the reactionist super Conservative end-times fanatics Bible. There are 6 signs Jesus gave, 2 signs by Paul, and 5-ish (possibly 11) more signs from other prophets in the Bible for how we can recognize the end of days and impending approach of either the Rapture (if you’re in that camp) or the Tribulation (if you’re in the zombie camp).

In Matthew24:3 Jesus was asked, "Tell us, when will these things be, and what will be the sign of your coming, and of the end of the age?" Jesus told his apostles to look for the following signs prior to his second coming and the end of the age:

1. People who come in his name saying ‘I am Christ’ and misleading many. (Matt 24:5)
   Proof of this happening: Nation of Yaweh. Granted, this was like 2 decades ago, but still. Also, the Branch Davidians and this homeless guy I met a couple months ago. 
2. Wars & Rumors of Wars (Matt 24:6)
   When, in the past 2000 years has there NOT been wars and rumors of wars? 
3. Famines and… (Matt 24:7) 
4. Earthquakes
   Check and check. 
5. Tribulations (Matt 24:8-9)
   “Tribulations” is a fancy word for “trouble and suffering.” Again, since people have inhabited this planet, when has their NOT been trouble and suffering? I guess in the garden. But I think it’s safe to go ahead and check “yes” to tribulations. 
6. The Gospel (of Jesus) will be preached throughout the world
   Thanks to Al Gore and the World Wide Web, this is a fact. Plus, the Mormons are helping out with this a lot.  
7. Godlessness (2 Tim 3:1-5,7)
   This is defined by Paul as “selfishness, money-loving, arrogant, disobedient, ungrateful, unholy, loveless, lack of compassion, gossiping, treacherous, reckless, conceited, hedonistic” people (specifically men) In other words, "being human.". 
8. Falling away from the faith (apostasy) (1 Tim 4:1-3)
   The scriptural definition of this is actually very interesting to me: “By means of the hypocrisy of liars seared in their own conscience as with a branding iron, men who forbid marriage and advocate abstaining from foods which God has created to be gratefully shared in by those who believe and know the truth." So, in reality, this year is taking us a step back from the apocalypse. Men are approving marriage (in 2 states) AND men are approving foods which God created! 
9. Existence of a 2 million man army in the east (Rev 9:16)
   Revelations DOES specify that these are “horsemen”… so I’m not sure where to go with that. 
10. A Fourth Kingdom: Daniel 2:40-43 – “Then there will be a fourth kingdom as strong as iron; inasmuch as iron crushes and shatters all things, so like iron that breaks in pieces, it will crush and break all these in pieces. And in that you saw the feet and toes, partly of potter's clay and partly of iron, it will be a divided kingdom; but it will have the toughness of iron, and partly of pottery, so some of the kingdom will be strong and part of it will be brittle. And in that you saw the iron mixed with clay, they will combine with one another in the seed of men; but they will not adhere to one another, even as iron does not combine with pottery."
    Now, a lot of people think this means the Roman Empire. I disagree. It seems pretty obvious to me that a kingdom who “crushes and shatters all things”, “divided”, “strong and partly brittle”, and an inability to get along (or “adhere to one another”) – this is all descriptive of my good ol’ USA. So I’m going to check off #10. 
11. Returning to the people a pure language (Zephaniah 3:9)
    While most theologians think this means Hebrew returning to Jews, the truth is they are wrong and I am right. What language is more pure than emotion? And what communicates emotion better than Music? Need Proof? Check out this. See? Universal. 
12. The rise of Gog and Magog. “After many days you will be summoned and in latter years you will come into the land that is restored from the sword…and they are living securely, all of them.” (Ezekiel 38:2, 4, 8).
    I had to do a little digging, but I think Gog and the land of Magog are present day Russia. I could be wrong. But if I’m right, we’re a long way off from this. I mean, come on. Russia has a long way to go before they are "restored from the sword."
13. The MARK of the BEAST (Rev 13:16-17)
    I don’t know about you, but this was a source of nightmares and terror for me growing up. I was certain that we would all be stamped with 666. Now I’m pretty sure I was wrong, but the mark of the beast still stands – “free men and slaves will be given a mark on their right hand or on their forehead and no one will be able to buy or sell except the one who has the mark.” I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the mark of the beast is this:

Bottom line: rest assured, friends, we're no closer to the zombie apocalypse than we were 2000 years ago. Except with credit cards. Everyone should be prepared, but I don't think it's necessary to stockpile bayonets.But... just in case...

Thus sayeth Joni.