Day 17 - Muslim Marriages

In India, as many as 95% of marriages are arranged. Overall, less than 5% of arranged marriages end in divorce. Perhaps because these marriages are based upon compatibility of the partners - rather than hormones, commonly mistaken for "love."

Among Muslims, an arranged marriage refers to a marriage where husband and wife became acquainted during meetings initially arranged by their parents, with the stated intention of finding a spouse. This process usually starts with the family asking questions about the personality, beauty, family, education, and finances of a potential partner. After finding someone that appears to be compatible, they make a recommendation for the couple to begin meeting.

Islam prohibits unmarried, unrelated men and women being alone together and physical relationships are not part of the meetings. The couple makes the decision whether to accept the marriage or not, since Islamic law prohibits marrying anyone against his or her will. (New World Encyclopedia, 2010)

In my exposure to American Muslims, I have found this to be an accurate portrayal, although it doesn't always involve the families of the bride and groom, since many times, these marriages involve a groom from other countries who has moved to the US and a bride who may or may not come from a Muslim family and/or culture.

From what I've gathered from my local Muslim friends, marriage is a tricky maze of matchmaking, courting, and logistics!

Take Hannah and Jude*, for example. It is typical for a woman who is ready to marry in the religion of Islam, to tell her parents she is ready for them to find her a husband, if they are Muslim. However, more times than not, the family is looking before the bride-to-be is ready! Since Hannah was an American convert to Islam, she needed an intermediary to meet her husband, so she joins with countless others who enlist the help of the Imam. Besides being the prayer leader, spiritual guru at the local mosque, and part time counselor for mosque members, the Imam is also part of an extensive network of matchmakers. Hannah asked for her name to be added to a list of available women, and Jude was on the list as an available man. "THE LIST" includes information from prospective brides and grooms from all over the continent. It includes how much money they make, as well as their social, religious, ethnic, racial, educational, and professional background. The men and women on THE LIST provide the same information to their Imams, although the female pictures are kept hidden until a potentially serious inquiry is made (due to the inherent male tendency of thoughts going south when they see a picture of a female!).

When men showed interest in her (there was no picture, mind you), and they passed the screening of what she was looking for, the Imam sent the list of interested men to Hannah. Hannah then found one that she was very interested in and the Imams coordinated getting their information to each other so that they could communicate. Hannah and Jude emailed and spoke on the phone and asked each other questions. Hannah said one of the most fun things in getting to know Jude was going through the "100 questions to ask before you get married" ... she still keeps the notebook where she wrote down his answers (http://www.jannah.org/sisters/queshusbands.html).

Jude is more than a decade older than the nineteen year old Hannah, but he is established in his career, financially stable, and ready to start a family, so they decide they are suitable for each other and arrange and in-person meeting to seal the deal before tying the knot. They were set up, saw each other and married in less than 2 months.

Much like internet dating, there are websites that match people based on levels of compatibility. The physical appearance just doesn't factor into the initial stages of choosing a mate, and these are not people who are interested in dating - they are looking for a lifelong partner who they (hopefully) like and are (hopefully) physically attracted to, but more importantly, are compatible with on all levels! It is a very scientific approach, using the Muslim marriage websites or THE LIST method (note: THE LIST is the name I have given it... I'm not sure if there's a proper name for the Imam matchmaking service).

While the idea of marrying someone we've only met once in person might seem a little daunting to most Americans, the idea that we marry someone that we are compatible with completely (or at least narrow down the list of possibilities to only those we are compatible with) makes a whole lot of sense. Really, would it be such a bad idea to narrow the list of prospective life partners to people that we have something in common with, instead of basing our decision majorly on factors like whether or not we like facial hair, and how fashion conscious (s)he is?

So, Hannah and Jude have been married now for about a year. They have an adorable baby, who loves me (all babies do!). I asked Hannah how she thinks it turned out and she says "You know, I got lucky. I wouldn't reccomend it for everyone - I mean, what if you got someone who hit you or was abusive or something? I didn't even know him, and it could have turned out really different. But Jude isn't so bad!"

Read more about arranged marriages in America! http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=95683604&ps=rs

*Names have been changed to protect identity.