Day 21 - Islamic Divorce (and Remarriage)



When I got divorced, it was a messy affair. My ex-husband wanted everything, and I just wanted my kids. We fought in court for YEARS trying to settle it. He who had most money won. (Not me.)

Divorce is never a good thing, and I wish it never had to take place. Anyone who has been through a divorce would agree with me: that while it may at times be necessary, it is never good.

Islam strongly discourages divorce, much like Christianity and Judaism, but it does make allowances for BOTH parties to be granted one. 

Divorce is strongly discouraged and should only be granted for a good reason.It has been said in Islam that divorce is the most hateful grievance to God, so the gravity of divorce should not be missed. Men are instructed not to divorce their wives until they have exhausted all of their resources, even if she is badly misbehaving (read: cheating on him). Arbitration is required to be attempted first (along with a few other things):
"As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct: 1. Admonish them, 2. Refuse to share their beds, 3. Beat them; but if they return to obediance seek not against them means of annoyance (don't take revenge): for Allah is Most High, Great (he'll take care of that). 4. If you fear a break between them, appoint two arbiters, one from his family and the other from hers; if they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation."

Uhhh.... wait just one seond there. BEAT HER? Really? Well, while modern Islamic scholars claim that this just means "berate her verbally until she yeilds", I think it's fair to say that this is disturbing to the prospective or current wife. However, it is specifically referring to "disloyalty and ill-conduct". While this could really be interpreted to mean a variety of things, I think its safe to say that infidelity is the main thing that falls under this category. So under Jewish law? The woman gets stoned for cheating. I guess I pick a beating over a stoning any day. (Not that I would cheat!)

If DO you choose to go through with divorce it is NOT a short process. For a husband to divorce a wife, he must pronounce that he is divorcing her. This cannot be done while she is on her period. (I find this humorous. I wonder how many men are tempted to pronounce divorce while their wives are PMS-ing?) He must pronounce it AFTER she has had her monthly period. He must then wait a month (at least) and pronounce it again after she has had her period. He must then wait a month and pronounce it a third time. There must be at least a month (but can be as long as you want) in between pronouncements, and it must follow her monthly period. The third time he pronounces it, they are divorced. That couple could not even change their mind and stay married after the third proclamation - No take-backs!

An interesting side note. The couple can get remarried to each other eventually, but not immediately. First, the (ex)wife has to find another man to marry, have sexual relations with him, and subsequently divorce him (although it is strictly forbidden to find and marry another man just so that you can divorce him and remarry your first husband). It is sort of a "buffer" marriage between the marriage and reconciliation of former spouses.

So who can divorce who?

The husband can divorce his wife with the three pronouncements of divorce, and this is called Talaq. If he divorces her, he cannot take back anything he has given her in the marriage, so she gets EVERYTHING in the divorce. (I'm for that part!)

The wife can also divorce her husband, through what is known as Khalu, which basically means she has to go to [a Muslim] court and sue for the divorce (perhaps in modern America, while there would be a legal system proceeding, there would also need to be a release from her marrige by the Imam). If she divorces HIM, she has to give back everything he's given her in the marriage.

I found an interesting story in the Bukhari hadith, where a woman came to the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and asked if she could dissolve her marriage. She didn't have a good reason, he was a good man, took care of her, didn't hit her, she just didn't like him and didn't want to spend the rest of her life with a man she didn't like. The Prophet said "Are you willing to give him back the marriage gifts?" She said yes, and he told her to be her merry way as a single woman (translation mine).

It seems that although divorce is difficult to achieve in almost any religion, women in Islam fare about as well (or better) than women in other religions. They have the right to request divorce (unlike Judaism), and, although it is discouraged, almost any reason will due (I just can't stand the SOB!).

Thanks to Shawn Rogers, for the lovely cupcakes pictured in this post. She made these for me after my divorce!