Shame – it’s what’s for dinner (at my house, anyway)

As some of you know, I’ve recently discovered Dr. Brene Brown (aka the Albert Einstien of the 21st century). She has a Ph.D. in Social Work and has spent her life studying shame, vulnerability, fear… basically all the things that get in the way of happiness, joy, and abundant life.

I’ve spent the past few weeks listening to her talks and reading her books and, well, dealing with my own shame. I’ve been, as Dr. Brown says, “wading in the swampland of the soul,” ...
and let me tell you, it ain’t pretty. I don’t like what I see one bit. There is so much work to be done on me, I just want to sit down in the swamp and wait for an alligator to come get me ((or a crocodile, or whichever one lives in the swamp and gets there sooner)).

I’ve only been in this soul swampland for a couple weeks, and already I’m scaling swamp trees trying to see if I can catch a glimpse of the other side, the higher ground. Not to mention the leeches and the creepy-crawly things that reside in the swamp.

I think maybe a lot of people actually DIE in the swampland of the soul: Cause of death - prolonged exposure to soul swampland resulting in malaria and heart failure.

“If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way – especially shame, fear and vulnerability… Here are the first three things that you need to know about shame:

1. We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection.

2. We’re all afraid to talk about shame.

3. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.

Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable – it’s the total opposite of owning our story and feeling worth. In fact, the definition of shame…is:

The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

(Brene Brown, 2010)

So, SHAME. As part of this study, I surprisingly came face to face with my shame. I really wasn’t expecting to encounter shame on this journey, mostly because the journey wasn’t supposed to be about ME as much as about… well… EVERYONE ELSE.

Then, suddenly, I’m talking about God, and measuring up, and disappointing him, and my past with the church, and I’ve gone from Invincible Heroine of All Misunderstood Religions to the girl who’s scared to death of intimacy and vulnerability because, in her experience, all vulnerability leads to judgment and pain.

Where I once believed, naively, that I was a pretty authentic person, and ((relatively)) transparent, I now find myself in the uncomfortable position of wishing I could un-know what I’ve learned.

That breakdown in Walmart I wrote about yesterday? Yeah. That left me with an entire weekend full of shame. Shame that manifested itself as an ugly, mean, and critical mama.

Shame that made me feel black and numb inside.

Shame that said to me

“You better just hold onto the fact that you’re the mama and you’re RIGHT, otherwise this ship is going down. The kids are going to realize you are, in fact, CRAZY mama. They are going to want to be with their dad for the rest of their lives. YOU ARE UNWORTHY OF LOVE AND BELONGING! Look how you acted! Aren’t you ASHAMED OF YOURSELF??”

And indeed, I was (am) very ashamed. Not only of the meltdown, but of the back lash. I could have confronted my feelings of inadequacy. I could have said to myself, “Self, you are stressed out because the love of your life lives 150 miles away and you aren’t sure at all if this whole relationship-thing will work out. If it doesn't work out (and it's not looking hopeful, lets not lie), you are completely freaking out about failing at another relationship. Also, you are stressed out because you have a grand total of $2.47 in your checking account and the bills aren’t stopping. This really has nothing to do with the ((completely inept)) Walmart Banker. Or your kids, for that matter. Or your parenting skills.”

Instead, I just let it go and let the steam lift the lid until I was exploding everywhere.


The Bible has a lot to say about shame, even if it doesn’t mention the WORD “shame” as many times.

Christians are excellent at shame, in my experience: excellent at masking it, hiding it, pretending it doesn’t exist, pointing it out in others, and generally living inauthentic lives… and there I go again, pointing out the inauthenticity in others when I am dealing with my OWN problems here. So let me rephrase: In my experience as a Christian, I have been completely horrid at dealing with my own shame, and instead like to focus on other people’s issues: the whole “"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3, NIV). Yep, I’m the gal with the plank.

But the Bible has more to say about shame than just that. How about “There is, therefore, now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1, KJV)? No condemnation! It doesn’t say GOD won’t condemn us, it says:

NO CONDEMNATION AVAILABLE.

((ie, we can’t condemn ourselves, either.))

And as far as worthiness of love and belonging? The Bible teaches that “God demonstrates his own love for us, that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us,” (Romans 5:8) and that we are “children of God” (Colossians 1:15), and even “blameless and pure, children of God without fault … in which you shine like stars in the universe” (Philippians 2:15).

I suppose, in the Christian context, if someone thought that I was worthy enough of love and belonging to die so I could live, that’s probably a good indicator that I am… and if I don’t think I am, perhaps I should change my way of thinking.

Works Cited
Brene Brown, Ph.D, LMSW (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Center City, MN: Hazelden.