weekend of silence

As I mentioned, I have given up "distractions" for Lent. Not so that I can quit my life, but so that I can see if, somewhere amid the flurry of my busy life and projects and thoughts, there is peace. And if there is not peace, to find it. To that end, I gave up facebook (except to post my blog), I gave up checking my email every 5 minutes, spending all of my free hours surrounded by people and light and sound.

Siddhayatan

To kick off my 6 weeks of a distraction-free Lent, on Friday night I left work and went to Siddhayatan Spiritual Retreat in Windom, TX for a weekend of silence.
Yep, Silence.
I'm still feeling a little silent, actually.

I was afraid that the voice I would hear in a space without distractions or words would be the haunted voice of my past. I was afraid I would hear the condemning voice that says I am not good enough, not smart enough, that I asked for it; its all my fault. I was afraid the thoughts of past experiences and fears would come to the surface and scream, shattering my stillness.

Oddly, that wasn't what happened. I ate with the other retreaters (who were not in silence). I smiled in response to their stories or questions. I shut off the voice that comes out of my head and I spoke with my eyes and smiled. I walked alone while the wind whipped my hair and I saw beauty surrounding me.
I looked into the ponds and listened to the fish and just existed quietly. The one thing I expected to experience in silence, in an unfamiliar place, was fear. In that place of silence in between, I realized that I was not afraid or alone. Wind howling and rushing could not move me. Driving away, I thought "I am peaceful and content." Thats a big thing for me!

my journal

my walking feet

road to silence

gratitude