Adding two more...

So, I'm adding a couple more to my goals:
4. Work on my relationship with God. I'm going to give God (and Christians, actually) a second chance. I'm going to believe that he wants peace and hope for me and a future. I'm going to hang tight and hold on and look for his hand in my life.

5. Eliminate the negative words from my vocabulary. Instead of saying "not" "won't" "can't" and "don't" I'm going to speak POSITIVELY and speak things that are not as if they were! Lets see if The Secret works for ME! :-)

MY 100 Day Challenge

I decided to come up with more than one goal. I'm a multi-tasker. Plus, if I have more than one goal, I'll have more to blog about (and I like to blog). Like everyone, I have things I would like to see different in my life. There are things I can do in order to embrace those changes. So... my goals for the 100 days beginning September 23 are these:

1. SERVE OTHERS
Slavery is obligated, required, unavoidable, duty, and generally not at all satisfying.
Servant hood is intentional, purposeful, and stems from love and commitment rather than obligation.

Slavery results in resentment, unhappiness, and anger.
Servanthood results in fulfillment and contentment.

I am going to spend the next 100 days serving my co-workers, my boss, Mark, my friends, my children, and my community in any ways I can find – not just serving them, but serving them as I would want to be served, and doing it cheerfully and happily, expecting nothing in return. I will commit to one act of service per day - a choice to make someone else's day a little bit more enjoyable.

2. BE GRATEFUL
definition: warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received; thankful

Every day I will find something to be thankful for. I will record it, I will remember it, I will appreciate it.

3. EXPRESS MYSELF THOUGHTFULLY
I will choose carefully the words I say. I will seek wisdom and speak less. I will use language that is reflective of the person I want to be. I will not curse (unless I am in extreme pain- LOL), I will not say things in anger that I don't mean, I will not make promises I can't keep, I will continue to be radically honest. I'll write what I do, I'll notice my slip ups and mistakes, and I'll correct them.

OK, so the first and the third could be big goals. Huge even. I'm going to do it though - for 100 days, I can do anything, right? We'll see... I'm going to blog about my 100 days experiment here! :-) I'm going to end the year - AND THE DECADE - with success!!!

More tidbits on the 100 day challenge...

http://abundance-blog.marelisa-online.com/2009/09/14/the-100-day-finish-strong-challenge/

Check out this blog! It specifically addresses our goals for the 100 day challenge!

Some highlights from the blog:

One of the principles that Gary emphasizes in the “100 Day Finish Strong Challenge” is the Law of Exposure. The Law of Exposure tells us that our minds think about what they’re most exposed to.

This performance law is fueled by the following understandings:

1. Whatever enters your mind repeatedly first occupies your mind and then eventually shapes both your perceptions and reality.
2. Your mind will absorb and ultimately reflect whatever it gets repeatedly exposed to.
3. The events you attend, the materials you read, the music you listen to, the images you watch, the conversations you hold, the friends you hang out with, and the daydreams you entertain, all of these are shaping your mind, then your character, and eventually your future.
4. You expose people to your behavior all day long and as a result you either make deposits or withdrawals into their psychological bank account.

Now think of the following questions as they relate to the Law of Exposure:

• What am I currently exposing my mind to on a daily basis?
• What impact is that exposure having on my performance?
• What should I be exposing my mind to on a daily basis?
• What am I exposing other people to when they look at my behavior?
• What indecencies should I no longer be exposing my mind to?
  

Indecent Exposure
As it relates to your personal and professional performance, indecent exposure consists of anything that pollutes your mind, body, or soul, such as the following:
Excuses
Procrastination
Junk Food
Violence
Lack of integrity
Worry
Lying
Mediocrity

Far too many people are overly exposed to these indecencies which negatively impacts their results. It’s amazing how many people think that they can avoid the Law of Exposure: they think they can read anything they want–tabloids, gossip magazines, and so on–, they can watch bad images, they can listen to nasty music, and it will not have any impact on them.

Introduction to the 100 Day Challenge!

“Self-discipline is an act of cultivation. It requires you to connect today’s actions to tomorrow’s results. There’s a season for sowing and a season for reaping. Self-discipline helps you know which is which.”
-Gary Ryan Blair

In The Traveller’s Gift by Andy Andrews, he states “I am responsible for my past and my future – my past can never be changed, but I can change the future by changing my actions today.”
September 23 is the first day of the last 100 days of 2009. Before this year (and this decade!) is over, I’m going to push forward with my goals, and I hope you will too! Make this last 100 days of 2009 count: what would you like to see changed in your life? What goals do you have that sit in a holding pattern as your days pass by? I am extending a challenge to all of you to come up with a what, a why and a how for yourself in these last 100 days:

• WHAT would you like to accomplish? It is a goal, with a fixed criteria, that is specific, measurable, and time-bound. It could not be “lose weight”, but it COULD be “lose 10 pounds in the next 100 days”. It could not be “be a better dad” but it COULD be “schedule an hour more a week in quality time with my kids doing activities that they enjoy.” You get the picture!
• WHY do you want to accomplish this goal? You should have three compelling, emotional reasons that will sustain and drive you, whether it’s a personal goal or a professional goal.
• HOW can you accomplish your goal? You should have five individual ACTION steps that will identify exactly what you need to do in order to achieve the goal. One of my action steps will be to purposefully do something I wouldn’t normally do to reach out of myself and serve others every single day. It doesn’t have to be something big, but it does have to be something measurable – “I did ___ today to accomplish my goal.”

Write your goal down, or find someone to be accountable with – your spouse, or your co-worker, friend, etc – and speak your goal out loud.

So, what are your goals? We have 100 days to create our goals! Work or personal: gaining wealth, raising profits, paying off your credit card bills, becoming closer to your children or spouse, losing weight… Make them unreasonable, make them massive, make them life changing! Let’s do it together and see results!

Game Playing - old poem

Every day I play a game
Wake up, stretch, yawn
Every day I play a game
Talk the talk, walk the walk
Every day I fight a war
Smile, I’m fooling you now, aren’t I?
Every day I fight a war
I’m fooling myself and I wonder sometimes
Every day I play a game
A dangerous game, a game of odds
Every moment I’m alone
I see my hand, I falter, smile slipping
Every day I play a game
But I never win, and I never will
If they don’t see my hand, though, can I bluff forever?
Every night I am alone
Break from myself, break from the world
Every night I am alone
Break from myself? I don’t think so.
Every night I lie alone and wonder
How much longer can I keep up this charade
How much longer can I pretend I am fine
How much longer can I keep everyone out
Every day I walk alone, surrounded by people, but solitary in my existence
My existence – so skillfully hidden from everyone orbiting around me
And I wonder is everyone this way
No, they don’t hide as well as I do. But someone, someday will see my secret, and I.

Psalm 13

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestly with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say "I have overcome her," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I TRUST IN YOUR UNFAILING LOVE; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord, fo he has been good to me.

Translation in my mind:
Where are you, God? You've forgotten me - will you never remember me? How long are you going to be absent when I need you? How long are these days going to last - it always seems like he's winning and I can't keep this up forever.
Look at me! I'm over here! I've been crying out to you for so long, please answer me, God, give me some kind of sign that you're up there!! Sometimes these times are so dark, I just want to give in - if you don't give me direction and hope, I will just give up and he will win - do you really want him to win? He will be so happy when he's won this fight and beat me down for the final time.
But, I will make a choice to trust you. I will make a choice to look for your hand in my life and I choose to believe that you love me and someway, some how, you're going to come through and save me. I will rejoice in the knowledge that you ARE there and you have been good to me in the past - today I choose to believe you have not abandoned me.

One step

I went.
"Was it hard for you to come?" Lady in Charge asked
"No, the coming wasn't hard." I start,
"The staying was." she finished my thought.
I laugh, hollow.
She's perfect in every way. The typical Gateway girl. Big, perfect, long hair. Perfectly applied waterproof mascara. Cute shoes. Really cute shoes. I couldn't pull those off.
Service starts. I'm distant. I'm skeptical.

Stupid missionary girl next to me has told me her life story while we were waiting to come in about how she married an abusive man and she really does understand. I find that hard to believe since she has a 7 year old daughter who she has left behind with friends TWICE, once for a year and a half, once for a year, so she can do missionary work. She says "Abraham almost had to sacrifice Isaac. God sacrificed Jesus. It is something I feel called to do." I think she's nuts. I think God wouldn't have given her a child and expect her to abandon the child while she "does his work in Australia." The only reason she tells me all this, I assume, is because I tell her I'm disillusioned with church, and a synopsis of my past 5 years. Tonight is radical honesty at church night.

I sit next to her anyway. I figure she's probably the craziest person in the congregation - about 100 people or so - and it doesn't hurt to have the crazy within arm's length, in case i need to smack her.

We're on the front row and I was wrong. She's not the craziest.
There's a man a few seats down who is one of the annoying Charismatics. Very verbal. Very spastic. He's jumping and yelling unintelligible things. Nice.

Crazy people - check.
Crazy charisma - check.
Fakeness - I want to check this one off, but outside of the waterproof mascara, I have no proof of it. Yet. Checking it off now would be premature. I feel assured I can check it off later, so I leave it on my list.

Worship starts. I'm annoyed because I don't know the songs. They are all Gateway originals. The bass player is confusing and I watch him. I can't figure out if its a girl or a guy - it looks like a guy, except his hair is french braided. He's wearing skinny jeans with high tops. I look for boobs. Since its kinda a heavier guy/girl, I can't tell if they are boobs or man boobs.

I turn my attention on the worship leader. He's obsessed with the crazy missionary girl. I make a mental note to stop calling everyone I see crazy in my head. that's really pretty judgemental of me and kinda mean. How should I know if they are crazy? I wouldn't like people doing that to me.

The worship leader is staring at the missionary girl. I wonder if he has a thing for her. Or if he just thinks she's fruity. Or if he's just looking at her because the light is in his eyes. The light really is kinda bright. It doesn't look comfortable. He finally sings a song I know. Turns out, I liked it better when I didn't know the songs. The familiarity of the song brings back a wave of emotion from other church experiences.

Altar prayer time - that's odd, they are doing it before the sermon. I watch. I wait. I sing with everyone else. Supposedly there's going to be a stand up comedian tonight. Oh goody - Christian Comedy. He starts his sermon. Its reminiscent of sermons I've heard before. Slightly entertaining, but certainly not "Stand up comedy." He keeps looking at me. I can see that he has "feelings" about people - prophetic senses of some sort, though they are undeveloped. I can see this in alot of people I look at. Usually I nail them pretty quick. I see the looks he gives people, like he's hearing their thoughts or voices of spirits around their heads, like he's reading their eyes. I know that look. I've used that look - quizzical, thoughtful, pulling something out.

He finishes his sermon. He keeps looking at me, and I'm sure he "hears" something about me. And I'm sure I know what it is. I'm not budging and my body language and my eyes, which meet his fearlessly, say "I dare you to try. and if you're wrong, I'll tell you so, make no mistake."
Instead, he heads for a blond a few seats over. He tells her God thinks she's beautiful - trite, canned, I've heard it a hundred times. My thoughts are already critical and I chastise myself for thinking that way. Who am I to say what God's word for that girl should have been. I certainly wasn't looking for her aura. I wait.

The guy has three altar calls. Clearly, the worship team wasn't planning on returning to stage, so there's a little scurrying when he calls them back up. Clearly, the worship leader was having a latte in the foyer and someone had to go find him. Awkward. The lady in charge, who asked me if it was hard to come, starts and looks around a little frantic in a split second before she regains her polished composure. I caught it, but only because I've been in church since the week I was born. I doubt many other people did.

The guy has three altar calls. I know I said it already, but it bears repeating. Three. they aren't "come to the altar" altar calls, they are your typical "raise your hands to receive it" altar calls. I am still staring at him, watching his every move. Trying to find his weakness and see through his facade. Its not hard. Its easy to see weakness in people when you want to.

The service is finally over. Missionary girl is talking to me when Lady in Charge comes over to talk to me. She gives missionary girl a look that says "go away" (in the nicest Christian way possible) and sits next to me. I can see that she feels she has read my aura. Problem is, she's already read my email. It wouldn't take too much work to figure out that I'm damaged, considering the information I've already disclosed.

She says "this is a place to find healing."
I'm fine. I'm not moving one inch. And I'm certainly not going to be searching for healing.

"God wants you to know that he knows you never left him"
I look at her.
"Bullshit" I say

She looks at me.
"No, you never lost hope that he was real"
I look down at the floor.
I bite my lip to keep from crying. Crying is so overrated.

"You can be healed here, you know. I know you've gone through alot."
I look at her again.
Sincere brown eyes.
She really believes this.
I don't.
But I want to.

"I'm sorry for whats happened. Its not right. I know church has abused you. you're safe here."
Another line that doesn't ring true.
"Shit happens." I say.

She says "what happened to you is more like diarrhea."
Unexpected. I laugh a little.

She doesn't ask if she can pray for me, thank God. My walls are so high I can feel them safely enclosing me. It makes me happy. And sad at the same time.

She says she's glad I came and wants me to come back. I make no promises, just grab my stuff and beeline for the door. Thank God the missionary isn't waiting for me. I walk quickly out of the church and get in my car. I'm shaken. I'm irritated that I'm emotional. And I talk to God. "I'm not doing ANYTHING," I tell him, "You're going to have to do all the work."

Immediately I hear the voice in my head that gives the 'correct' God response to my statement.
"I already have done all the work."
I shake my head at the phrase.
"I know you sent Jesus to die. Fine. But he was half God. I'm not making even ONE TINY STEP. You're going to have to meet me. I'm JUST HUMAN."
The last words were yelled.
I sense that he's laughing at me.
I think that I wish God had a body here on earth so I could just punch him. Really hard. As hard as I could.
I imagine myself punching God-as-a-human. It feels good in my imagination.
I imagine a movie scene where I'm punching God, then the tears come and I collapse, exhausted and tired of fighting into his arms.
I'm annoyed that God always gets to be the good guy and I have to be the emotional wreck.

I drive home. I tell God on my drive home, while I'm smoking my cigarette, that I'm not willing to do anything. Whatsoever. I am not willing to change my life, I'm not willing to make an effort. I'm only willing to show up. That's as much as I can give. If he wants me back, he's going to have to work for it.

I pull in the parking lot. I call my kids.
I think that I won't be going back to church... but I know I will.

25 Fabulous April fool's Jokes for the Office

Yes, I am aware it is early to be doing this. However, a well-executed plan requires planning. (see? plan - planning?)
so, here are my brainstormed ideas for April fools day at the office, mostly pranks on my boss:
1) Everyone shows up naked at work (clothes in their cars, of course)
Actually, on second thought, I would not benefit from this. There is not one person in the office I would like to see naked. Instead, everyone calls in sick and doesn't show up.
2) Everyone switches offices without telling the bossman, then goes about their business as if that has ALWAYS been their office and he is insane.
3) Swap regular coffee for decaf for the entire week before April Fools. Just when you get everyone detoxed, switch to espresso on April Fools and watch everyone go crazy on caffiene highs. Alternative: Add crack to the coffee.
4) sprinkle fire ants liberally in people's keyboards
5) Take the rollers off people's chairs
6) randomly call everyone's extension, faking a british accent, and ask where the lu is. When they say they know it's you, tell them there must be some mistake - God save the queen! and hang up.
7) move your office to the filing room in order to "make things more convenient". Take up smoking - in your boss's office.
8) Shawn came up with this one - bring multiple changes of clothes. Every 10 minutes go to the bathroom and put on a new outfit
9)Bring a load of feral cats to the office. Release. Bring a load of feeder mice to the office. Release. Watch chaos ensue.
10) Order COD deliveries of port-a-potties
11) Send emails from my boss to everyone explaining that they are fired. Have them delayed sent so he is in the office when they are sent out.
12) Write and send a resignation letter from co-worker's computer to boss. Delayed send so it arrives after the co-worker is in the office.
13) Make an office treat - brownies with exlax. Variation: brownies with hash
14) Hide everyone's keys in one person's office. (Not yours)
15) Order strippers. Use co-worker's name. Send to boss's office.
16) Pop off various keys on everyone's keyboard
17) Don't show up at work. Send a ransom note for yourself via messenger instead. Wait for money to arrive in bank account. Drink martinis while waiting.
18) hide alarm clocks throughout the office set to go off at 5 minute intervals. Pretend you don't hear them when they start going off and that the person hearing them is nuts.
19) start a small fire behind your building burning trash or something. Wait for fire department to come. Stealthily creep away and say loudly to your co-worker that you told them it would not be a good idea to save on trash costs by burning trash.
20) Go online to hig-pressure and high-liklihood-to-follow-up-via-phone businesses. Fill in contact information for people in your office. give them the office number to call and tell them you're VERY interested and they should call the following day.
21) Steal people's cell phones and change the ringers
22) go to co-worker's computer and open up their browsers to porn. Also, change their screensavers to porn. Advise boss that you innocently went into their office and you were highly offended by what you saw. Wait for boss to fire them. Snicker and watch.
23) Add black food coloring to the coffee. Admire everyone's black teeth.
24) Shave your head and tell everyone you have joined the neo-nazi movement and they should too. Brandish a gun for effect. Make sure to keep the safety on.
25) Get police caution tape. String it accross the doors. Make a chalk outline of yourself on the concrete. Lay in outline in unnatural position with ketchup all over you. Wait for screaming.
26) Set alarm for motion sensor. When someone walks in the hall and sets it off yell "GOTCHA!"
Repeat.

She's not crazy, she's my mother!

“I gave up meat for Lent,” my mother told me. This caused me to raise my eyebrows for a couple of reasons. One, she said this as she was dipping catfish in tartar sauce. The other insignificant detail is that my mother is not Catholic – although, this has not prevented her from giving up things for Lent in the past: the year before last she gave up dating for Lent. The year before that, she gave up chocolate. The year before that I think she gave up caffiene (that lasted approximately 4 hours). Lent is an excuse for giving something up. And making yourself feel better.

She continued. “Actually, I didn’t give up all meat (obviously, noting her choice in lunch) I only gave up solid meat.”

Me: “Ok, so you can have meat, as long as its not solid?”

Her: “Yes. Unless it’s fish. Fish can be solid.”

Me: “So… you gave up slabs of meat for Lent? Can you eat ground beef?”

“Yes.”

“How about shredded chicken?”

“Yes.”

“How about spam?”

That’s a quandary. Spam isn’t exactly whole meat. But on the other hand, it is a slab when it slithers out of the can.
She considers. “I think Spam is ok. And lunch meat.”
“How about chicken strips?” My sister in law chimed in.
“No. It’s a slab. A small slab, but a slab nonetheless.”
“But what if you cut it up in little bitty pieces?”
“They would have to be really little tiny pieces,” She replied.

My mother. She is, besides being a once-every-two-years Catholic (during the Lenten Season only), a wreck magnet. In the past 3 years, she has totaled 2 cars and had several *other* wrecks. And that’s just in the last 2 years! Most recently, she totaled her convertible about a month ago. According to her, she was minding her own business (I don’t find that hard to believe – she tends to mind her own business very well when driving – to the exclusion of watching the road and other drivers), when “out of nowhere,” a man driving a rental car turned left across three lanes of traffic and plowed into her. The cop (who’s number she got afterward) also blamed the rental car driver. Damn those rental cars – they give people an excuse to drive badly. So, my mother got a rental car herself until she could find a new car to buy (and, assumedly, wreck someday down the road). She found her new car and I drove with her in the rental to pick it up. We’re driving down the road, going about 40mph to a car dealership I had never been to before. She puts on her left turn signal and drives through an intersection before slamming on her brakes and making a right turn IMMEDIATELY after the intersection (she slowed in 1.2 seconds from 40 to a reasonable 27 mph and two-wheeled it into the car lot). Tires squealing. Sound of crunching metal. She looks at me. “I think those two people just WRECKED!” Uh, yeah, Mom. It might have something to do with your unexpected and untimely turn. “I had nothing to do with it! I was in the parking lot.”
As my brother said, “She goes to the car vending machine every other year, puts in $5,000 and out comes a new car!”

Sigh. She’s not crazy. She’s my mother.

Check out my new blog with my cohort... http://www.shesnotcrazy.wordpress.com/

radical honesty breakdown...

I have been taking time off from my radical honesty blog (www.30daysofHonesty.blogspot.com). Partly because it hasn't been at all interesting or challenging. Apparently I'm already honest.
Partly because I'm starting a new blog. Its about my crazy family. My family is certifiable, no question.
Partly because I'm sick. I've been sick for weeks. Why, you ask? Because. Apparently that's what happens when you get old. Last night I saw a commercial for Boniva to help stop bone loss in osteoporosis and I actually thought "You know, that's something I need to start thinking about."
I'm 30 years old and my body is falling apart. Seriously. I have been to the doctor more in the past year than any year of my life previously.
So. If you're missing my radical honesty, tune into www.shesnotcrazy.wordpress.com.

Radical Honesty at the Altar

So I went to Gateway Church again this week. Last week when I went, I felt like I should go forward and get prayed for, mostly out of habit - because I typically feel like I should "get right" with God when I go to church (which is why I avoid church whenever possible). Anyway, I didn't go forward last week. (I used to get this enormous anxiety when I didn't do what I felt that God and/or the Pastor was telling me to do - and I would think terrible things would happen if I didn't go - primarily because of that verse in the Bible that talks about ignoring the Spirit and how it will stop talking to you if you ignore it..??)

ANYWAY, I didn't go forward last week and nothing bad happened except that I had a really bad attitude all week, probably in no part related to not going forward. This week, I went to Gateway again, and again I thought I should go forward and get prayed for. So, in order to prove to myself that it would change nothing, I went forward.

If you've never gone to an altar call at the end of a service, basically its like this: a line of people are standing at the front of the church - prayerfully standing, I would say - these are the "altar ministry team" or the "church elders" or the "deacons" or whatever they call them in whatever denomination you go do, but they are there to pray for you. Sometimes its just the pastor of the church in a smaller congregation, which makes it even HARDER to go forward and get prayed for because its the PASTOR and you don't want him to think anything bad about you! But I digress. The "altar ministry team" in this case, are facing the audiance who is either gathering up their personal effects as worship concludes or who are already filing out of the auditorium heading to their respective cars and respective lunches.

A few pitiful people in need of prayer are fighting the onslaught of escaping Christians and heading toward the altar. The leaving Christians don't meet the eyes of the altaring Christian because of an unspoken rule that you pretend you didn't see that person walking toward the altar going to "get right" with God and you pretend that you don't wonder what they did WRONG that they needed to get right about - maybe they had an affair with their boss, or maybe they screwed someone in a business deal or maybe - oh the horror - they used drugs, or alcohol to excess!! These thoughts are very obvious to the altaring Christian because they have themselves had these thoughts when they weren't the unfortunate who is making their way against the flow of traffic to the altar.

Anyway, I headed to the altar to get prayed for. Its pure luck who you get at the altar, it just depends on the altar ministry team, but you can bet that if you are a woman, they are going to steer you toward a woman altar ministry team member and if you are a man, it will be a man. I got steered to this lady with extremely condescending eyes who was going to pray for me. Not like there was a long line or anything.

She started off by asking me all the typical questions like "What’s on your heart?" and "Have you turned over your life to Jesus?" and "What can I pray with you for today?" and I just looked at her and started talking - something about her condescending eyes and the blankness behind them just set me off.

I said "You know what, I don't know why I came down here. I'm mad. I'm REALLY MAD at God. Really Mad. I don't think you understand how mad. I have done everything to serve him my whole life- MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE! - and the ONE TIME I really needed him, he deserts me. Now THATS A God that doesn't seem good for much. I serve him my whole life and when I need him back, he's nowhere to be found?? I'm MAD."

She looks shocked.

She tells me she's glad I "confessed" this (like its a SIN to be mad at GOD! it isn't, is it?).

I said, feeling the need to justify my anger, "Well, you know, King David in the Old Testament was mad alot. He was very verbal! He told God how it felt to be ditched! And asked him why God was setting a table before his enemies - "

She cuts me off.
She stresses that she's glad I confessed this and its the first step in getting right with God.

Except that I don't WANT to be right with God! I just want her to know I'm PISSED! And I want him (God, that is) to know I'm pissed, too! In fact, I'm not even sure why I came forward during the altar call because this is the only thought screaming through my brain. And then she asked me if I told God how I felt about it.

I was like DUH. YES, I told God. Do you think he answered me? Nope. Do you think he rectified the situation? Nope.

By this time I was crying. Tears streaming down my face because I'm just so PISSED OFF that I'm standing here in the front of the church with condescending-eyes-lady and I just want her to pray with me so I can leave. Actually, I just want to stomp off, but I won't do that.

So she prays this prayer about how she's glad I confessed how I felt (again, like it was a SIN!) and she knows God can heal my heart and her prayer is so dry and emotionless, that it calms my anger and I'm not longer streaming tears or shaking. Thank GOODNESS. by the time she finishes praying, I have regained my composure.

Then I thank her and she tells me that if I'm divorced I should come to DivorceCare Group at church because maybe my anger is related to that. Really. Like she would KNOW! Just because I have a sorry ex-husband who ruined my life and HAPPENS to be a self-professed "man of God" do you really think that means I'm BITTER and ANGRY at God because of the divorce? Really? Because I WANTED THAT DIVORCE! OK... well, maybe she has a point.

::rolling eyes::

And God, since I know you're reading this, I mean every word of it! Just so you know, I'm MAD. And I DO feel like not only did you ditch me, but you chose HIS side. And he wasn't even right! It makes me SICK!!!!
So there.

...and now I feel like a petulant little 3 year old stomping her foot at her dad.

Work Honesty

I don't feel like writing today.

The reason being that I am in a funk. A serious funk. I'm irritated and I'm frustrated and I'm stressed out. My complexion looks like that of a teenage boy. My hair is getting grayer by the minute and I haven't dyed it since July. New wrinkles are sprouting on my face. I find myself making comments that one might expect from a crotchety old nursing home resident.

Yesterday I wanted SO BAD to be radically honest. We had a meeting at work. I hate meetings (unless they are fun - this one was not). In the meeting those higher up the ladder than myself proceeded to tell me how I could make their lives easier. Now, I need to preface this by saying that since I have come on board, I have streamlined the processes and the forms - I have made what used to be a complicated forest of paperwork into a short navigatible trail. This is through hours and hours of my time and effort that it was accomplished, and now I am hearing the words that the form I have made for them with a grand total 4 - count them FOUR - blanks requires too much work. Seriously? Are you kidding?
the original form they had to turn in was quite a bit longer - try 40 blanks - and it was required to be turned in 5-6 times a month. I have narrowed that down to a 4-blank form that is turned in ONE TIME per month. and they have the audacity to complain about it! "Couldn't we make it where they didn't have to put their name in?"

Oooh! I have an idea - why don't I just create a form where they can press their forehead against the computer screen and it will download the data from their brain!

Their eyes lit up with the prospect.

Really, people, earn your money.

Angela - February 10, 2009

Well, I was just honest with someone and it was really difficult! 

Matt and I decided that we were going to go to a Walter Wink seminar in Lombard, IL instead of going to the communication & spirituality seminar in our hometown this weekend. Would have been a very easy thing to fly under the radar on except that the host of the seminar just called me and asked if we were coming. So, I told her no, and that it was because we were going to Lombard to hear Walter Wink instead. 

Painless enough, right? WRONG. This is precisely the kind of communication that usually gets me into trouble. Feeling bad for a decision I've made, or for changing my mind, etc.  I will usually feel extreme pressure to lie ("Yep, wouldn't miss it.") or to come up with some sort of "valid" reason for not doing something. 

I wonder why it is that I can be honest about major things but it is these stupid little social engagements or societal expectations that make me want to lie, lie, lie like a theiving whitie. 

Oh, the anxiety. I can still feel it in my gut...rapid heartbeat...nerves on edge...tension in neck. Argh! 

Since my last post there haven't been too many things to be radically honest about, other than work and things with Matt. At least nothing terribly exciting. 

Confessions? Hmmm... well, I fell off the no-sugar wagon. I had A LOT of sugar at a friend's going away party on Saturday night and I had a cup of coffee with a slight bit of sugar yesterday morning. Then I decided that since I already blew it by kinda absentmindedly adding it to coffee (less than 1 teaspoons) that I should really go out with a bang so I ate 5 or 6 caramel squares last night. Alas, I'm back on the no-sugar wagon today. I must admit, though, that I am going a bit crazy. I want to consume large amounts of sugar and pass out in glucose-induced bliss. 

And I am pretty confident I am either allergic to my dogs or to my house. I felt pretty good in Texas, and while I am definitely BETTER than I was a couple of weeks ago, I still feel like @$$. 

Joni - Honesty goes hand in hand with ANGER!

Today my boss was impatient and irritated. Being that I am a relatively sensitive person when it comes to criticism (although I find it surprisingly easy to criticize others), I don't take his critical looks well (yes, he didn't actually verbally criticize me, he just looked critical. If you tell me I am being sensitive and hormonal, then you can take that thought and shove it up.....).
Anyway, when he wants something that I haven't given him yet and that I don't have prepared, I feel that I fall short. I value my ability to anticipate his needs and have things prepared on time (although I view deadlines as elastic...).
At any rate, I felt criticized. And for that reason, I was defensive and irritable. (and don't you DARE mention the letters P-M-S.)

This weekend I had to write a paper on personality tests for my social psychology class. Although I viewed the assignment as somewhat elementary, I seized the opportunity to learn more about my favorite subject - ME!! :-) A search for the text “personality test” on my preferred search engine (yahoo) yields “about 17,400,000 results". Oddly enough, when I searched for “dog personality test”, I get approximately 646,000 results. Due to not having opposable thumbs and the low rate of canine internet users, I assumed that the majority of these tests were also taken by humans – in fact, result number one was “What dog breed are you? The dog personality test at dogster.com” an enlightening (if not entirely scientific) test that can be found at http://www.dogster.com/quizzes/what_dog_breed_are_you/ . Apparently I’m a golden retriever. But I digress.
The other uses of personality test range from psychological use, clinical testing (however, tests used clinically tend to be more focused on personality abnormalities than personality “typing”), and actually employment screening, as well as finding your perfect life partner, finding your perfect career, and, the ever-popular, increasing your ability to serve as armchair psychologist, analyzing and testing your friends and family and thereby determining your mental superiority. The results of my test were not unexpected. I would estimate that I have taken no less than 145 personality tests in my years. They all have generally the same result; nevertheless I find great enjoyment in taking them over and over and reading about myself – a list of things I mostly already know – then marveling at the accuracy of the test. So, I guess you could say that the assignment was a sort of fun assignment for me - and the fact that I got 100 on the paper makes it even more rewarding to find out about me...

I'm now rambling and the level of frustration I feel at this point, combined with the rampant irritation wracking my body like an angry swarm of ants, means this blog can go nowhere positive. So, I end here, and tomorrow will be better (even though I have to walk to work because my car is in the shop (again) getting fixed so the window will roll up). Sigh.

Angela 2/6/2009

Last night Matt and I had two new friends over. They are a local couple we've met a handful of times and each time I walk away thinking "I'd like to get to know them better." The last time I actually said "I'd like to get to know you better" to "Grace" and she said "We'd like to get to know you, too, but we were kinda waiting to see how long you would be here. The last time we spent time getting to know people from "The Commune/Farm" they moved away." I appreciated Grace's honesty. I get not wanting to invest a ton of time getting to know folks if they aren't going to be around six months or a year from now and they are destined to be one more relationship to try to maintain assisted by electronics. 

Grace and Nick live on the edge of town, go to a local church, have two kids and a cat, lived for 10 years in DC... and now they live here and are working in wind energy. (BTW - I am so impressed by this I can hardly stand it.) We had a lot in common with them and look forward to getting to know them more. 

Our conversations with them highlighted a few things for Matt and I.... (and this is why I am blogging about it on this infernal website.) 

We want to feel at home. We want to settle down. We want a place and a people to belong to. We want to feel grounded and rooted. We want to develop a space of love for our family. We want to be able to truly live and thrive in this space and not just feel like we are "renters" or invaders. 

We want to be around people whose love for each other is apparent and contagious. We want to laugh. We want to support those who mourn. We want to see forgiveness in action. We want to be with people who respect life, people who honor those around them. People who get shalom and namaste and live those principles out everyday. 

There's so much to this. 

Living without a home and without a people is wearing me out. 

Joni - 2/5/09 - grrrrrr

Today was a completely fruitless day. I didn't get anything done that I needed to get done. I got some stuff halfway done and the piles of sticky notes have completely covered everything above my keyboard. I have piles of papers, some scribbled on, some not, file folders, pens and pencils, sun glasses, paper clips, staples, staplers, water, envelope openers, scissors - everything is haphazard on my desk and I'm just not motivated to clean it up.

Not that this situation is atypical for me - I'm perpetually an organized person in a disorganized body... I have no idea how that happened. But at any rate, today I dwelt in the misery of my disorganization, and wished that the elves would magically clean it up for me.

tomorrow I won't clean it up either, you know, because I just complain about it but I never really do anything about it.

Angela - 2/5/09

I thought of something important to post here last night, but I can't remember it now! Whoops! I'm thinking about writing an "open letter" to some folks explaining thoughts/feelings/and perceived lack of committment.... but not sure if I will actually do it or not. We'll see. 

I think maybe I was already too honest for this radical honesty thing to be exciting. 

Maybe it would be more exciting if I LIE to people for 30 days. LOL 

Joni - Day 10 - Radical Boredom

So this radical honesty thing is boring me and to tell you the truth, I'm tempted to quit (again). I typically quit anything that (a) bores me (b) takes too long (c) requires too much effort.
Does that make me lazy? A quitter? I'm very good at sticking to things that have immediate gratification - i.e., breathing, eating...

Anyway, I was radically honest with the mortgage guy today and he said my credit score was pretty good. I'm kinda impressed with myself. And I think that I should buy a house. For me, for the kids - and just for all of us! That would be super-cool. Me, a single homeowner and independent woman... not something I imagined!!

Yay!

Angela - 2/4/09

Not much time today so I'll keep it short. The day of the Big Meeting is here. I'm slightly nervous. Lots of things to prepare this morning. I've got some Buyer's Remorse about spending money on something that seems frivolous. I'm feeling better -- at long last -- and I'm hoping that I am *really* better and that it is not just Texas. That would suck. I'm bored with this experiment. 

Mark's Truth V. Joni's Truth

MArk has this really annoying habit. I do rearrange thing from time to time, I'll admit right off, but I almost always know where I rearranged it to. And if I moved it, it was most likely moved to a more logical location.
Mark's annoying habit is that he puts things up and forgets where he puts them. Then he blames me for losing them, when in reality, I never saw said item.
Generally it goes like this:
"Joni do you know where my _____ is? (Fill in the blank with tool, extension cord, DVD, little scrap of paper with writing all over it, USB drive.... you get the picture)"
Me: "Um, no. I haven't seen it did you look _____?" (Fill in the blank with various logical locations for said item - i.e, if i had put it away, where would i have put it)
Him: "No, its not there." (He didn't look yet, but has determined my first effort is wrong)
Me: "Ok, how about ______? (Fill in the blank with illogical location, but a typical place he might have put it)"
Him: NO! It's not there!! You lost it!!!
Me: I doubt if I lost it.
Him: You lost it - you're always moving things.
Me: No, I didn't lose it. I'll look for it when I get home.
Him: You just THREW IT AWAY (this is the typical final card he plays before the final pout and yell)
Him: pout pout pout yell yell yell pout pout hang up.
Me: rolling eyes

When I get home, I spend approximately 4 minutes looking in said logical and illogical locations where I think he might have put it. Oh, surprise! It is exactly where he left it (and in plain sight).

In my grandfather's words... "If it wuz a snake it would have bit ya!"

Mark lost it. I swear!!

Mark has this really annoying habit. I do rearrange thing from time to time, I'll admit right off, but I almost always know where I rearranged it to. And if I moved it, it was most likely moved to a more logical location.

Mark's annoying habit is that he puts things up and forgets where he puts them. Then he blames me for losing them, when in reality, I never saw said item.

Generally it goes like this:
"Joni do you know where my _____ is? (Fill in the blank with tool, extension cord, DVD, little scrap of paper with writing all over it, USB drive.... you get the picture)"
Me: "Um, no. I haven't seen it did you look _____?" (Fill in the blank with various logical locations for said item - i.e, if i had put it away, where would i have put it)
Him: "No, its not there." (He didn't look yet, but has determined my first effort is wrong)
Me: "Ok, how about ______? (Fill in the blank with illogical location, but a typical place he might have put it)"
Him: NO! It's not there!! You lost it!!!
Me: I doubt if I lost it.
Him: You lost it - you're always moving things.
Me: No, I didn't lose it. I'll look for it when I get home.
Him: You just THREW IT AWAY (this is the typical final card he plays before the final pout and yell)
Him: pout pout pout yell yell yell pout pout hang up.
Me: rolling eyes

When I get home, I spend approximately 4 minutes looking in said logical and illogical locations where I think he might have put it. Oh, surprise! It is exactly where he left it (and in plain sight).

In my grandfather's words... "If it wuz a snake it would have bit ya!"

Angela - 2/2/09

I took the weekend off blogging, but I was still honest. 

Nothing interesting to report. I am sorry I am letting you down, dear reader. 

You will be glad to know that I finished an entire book on the plane yesterday, that my head did not blow up (contrary to my fears), and that the meetings today were slightly more productive than usual (and typically stressful). 

Usually before these meetings I spend hours and hours making sure that everything I could possibly need or need to present is prepared and ready. That I can answer all the questions thrown at me. But last night I just really didn't feel like dedicating a ton of time to preparation after having traveled for 6 hours. So I didn't do my usual "pre-meeting" dance till dawn with the Lenovo T60. 

I'm thankful for that today. It's 4:24pm and things are mostly good. And I am not exhausted, despite the fact that little Asher kept Old Aunt Ang up till about 1 AM this morning. 

More later....if I have something interesting to say. 

Day 8 - Its all becoming [more] clear and [less] convoluted

...or, 'its all becoming more or less clear and convoluted.'

I have this problem. I'm a compulsive confessor. Yes, I am. I believe that my guilt reflex is overactive, much like an overactive pancreas overreacts and dumps too much insulin into the blood stream in diabetics, I have guilt problems. I feel guilt about pretty much everything, whether I *should* feel guilty or not. And then I confess to the things I *think* I might be guilty of and then you have all kinds of issues. I'm not sure if this falls under the radical honesty part of me or not. I think deep down, I'm radically honest to a fault when it comes to things I feel guilty about.

So, to complicate my life, I feel the need to tell Mark about everything I think he might be upset about that I have done. I don't know why but my mouth opens and things start spilling out of it, and I just watch from a distance, with morbid fascination at the mess I am making with my confessions - confessions not even about facts, but more about feelings and guilt. GUILT. My constant companion.

Last night I felt the need to be radically honest with Mark about [him] and I told Mark the story. The whole story. Read: I felt the need to confess where my mind had been. Read: my overactive guilt complex was making me crazy with the feeling that although I had not LIED to Mark about anything that had been going on, I still had not TOLD him, and therefore had lied by ommission, right?

I'm pretty sure there's a DSM code for my compulsive confession and my guilt reflex. I told him everything - and by everything I mean everything that seemed relevant - and then I burst into tears. Because I realized - happily, but also depressingly - that I am NOT still in love with [him] (its actually a realization that has been creeping up on me for some time) but more, I am sad that my life has been derailed and his has continued as planned. I am 30 and I have accomplished none of my goals. I quit everything. I'm a huge failure. And while those confessions may not be exactly *radical truth*, they are indeed the truth of how I feel.

So, sigh of relief that I'm not still in love with [him]
Pang of guilt that I spent 2 weeks 4 days thinking about [him] and [us] obsessively
And ache of remorse that my life is not how I planned it. And the fact that [his] is, makes it even more clear that I have once again, failed. miserably.

Mark mentioned a truth, however, that plans change, roads twist and turn, and sometimes the path we have mapped out for ourselves doesn't exactly come to fruition. But that, if we keep looking back, while we're barrelling down the track of life, we increase the odds of being derailed over and over and over. And it hit home. He is right, and I have done that so many times.

I love Mark. He is amazing and wonderful for me. and THAT is radically honest.

Angela - Friday 1/30/09

True story? Today I lied. It was a small lie, I suppose, and one that basically slipped out before I realized I was lying because I really THOUGHT I had done what I said I had done. Client called and wanted to know what the status was of their enrollment. Told him they were enrolled and I already sent the email notifying him out on December 17 but I'd send it to him again after we got off the phone. He was happy. Well, I checked my mail and apparently I didn't send him the message. So I took care of what I needed to do and sent him the info he needed. Problem solved except I felt like maybe I should have confessed that I didn't send the email in the first place. Nah. 

But today I also told a hard truth. There's some drama with some friends. Big drama. And I began to set some boundaries and tell the truth when it would have been easy to just try to sweep how I feel under the rug and move on. And that was very much what I wanted to do, because deep down I really want everyone to like me and I will do anything for my friends because I feel like my friendships validate me. And I feel like I am always in search of things that validate me and make me feel like I am worth a damn, especially because I am fat and feel like Mother Culture is continually telling me that I am No Good. 

So, as the words "You don't need to tell me why you did what you did or excuse your behavior. I get it. You did what you felt like you had to do. I just wish it could have been handled differently" crept out of my mouth I was stunned and pretty proud of myself. (NOTE - I am not 100% sure that those were the exact words I said, but it was something like that.) 

I'm relieved that our dog is okay. Poo is back to normal today (didn't you all want to know that!). 

I'm reading Acedia and Me (Kathleen Norris) each night before I go to bed and I've discovered that I have acedia. Not that I just have acedia, but that I allow it to define and shape who I am. And that I wear it around with pride like a fancy brooch. So, what shall I do about this noontime demon? Don't know. Maybe I won't do anything because at this point it feels quite like a good, old friend. Besides, I have written two new poems... so that makes me feel like me and my acedia are just fine, thank you very much. 

I still feel like my head is going to explode. I did some reading about chronic sinus infections last night and the prognosis is not good. Up to 8 weeks of pain, pressure, snot, and sneezing. Antibiotics, Advil, Neti-Pot, Vick's Vapo-Rub, Menthol Inhaler, and cough drops. You'll be glad to know that in my sick funk at least I have been able to hold on to a shred of my hippie-self. Bought handkerchiefs last night instead of Kleenex. Kinda gross but they are reusable. 

Confessions....??? I have none. Lie. Damn!!! I do. But they are mostly little ones. Like.... its been almost three years since I shaved my legs and about 6 months on the pits. Like I quit wearing deodorant because I'm convinced the aluminum in regular stuff leads to breast cancer and the natural stuff is too strong and gives me fire pits and makes my armpits peel. 

PS - Lie #2 of the day. I actually didn't post this 1/30/09, but on 1/31/09. I don't want to get in trouble with Boss-Of-Me. 

DAY 5 - Honesty Schmonesty

Who needs a vow of radical honesty to let someone have it when they make you mad enough? Or, more accurately, to let that someone's boss have it? Ugh, it isn't hard for me to get REALLY irritated if someone calls and yells at my receptionist for something that I told her to do. And if that person also works for this company, then we have a serious problemo. We have butted heads multiple times in the past - I feel that she is rude and snippy, and she feels that I am her underling and she doesn't have to tell me anything (I assume) and we always play nice to each other's faces. haha. then we send extremely passive aggressive emails to each other. Well, mine are passive aggressive. Hers are pretty much aggressive. Anyway, today I was the aggressive one and sent the email to her boss instead of her. DON'T MESS WITH MY RECEPTIONIST!

My day was full of invigorating conflict and success. I love to accomplish something and then feel a sense of ... at the risk of sounding redundant... ACCOMPLISHMENT!

I was googling people (I fancy myself a pretty good private investigator - I can find almost anyone anywhere. I love putting my abilities to the test, and I almost always succeed) anyway, while googling, I put in the name of my VERY BEST FRIEND from college. I haven't seen or talked to him in about 10 years. And not because I haven't tried, we just completely lost touch and he moved away and I moved away and there you have it. Anyway, I was searching for people and I went ahead and put him in there... what do you know? He pops up with his email address.

I heart finding people who once meant alot to me because, in all honesty, people who once meant alot to me probably still DO mean alot to me and probably will forever. Yay me, I'm all smiles.

Angela - Day ?

OK. So I am in trouble with "Boss-Of-Me" because I didn't blog last night. 

I didn't blog because my dog had explosive diarrhea. 

Want some more radical honesty details? 

The first time, it sounded like he farted. He was laying on the couch totally still and "farted". I didn't see anything so I laughed about him farting. And then I reached over to pet him. And put my hand right in the mucusy liquid poo that was the same color as the upholestry of our couch. Nice. Gag. Gag. Gag. And, our other dog was sitting right next to him with her head by his nether regions so he shit on her head. Yeah. That was great, too. 

It was a fun night of squirting and cleaning and worrying. 

No lies.  

Aiy aiy aiy - Joni DAY 5 (a.m.)

Failure Numero Uno:
Phone rings (ring! ring!)
Me: Good Morning, DL Rogers, this is Joni. (I say the last part really fast so they can't possibly make out or remember my name)
Him: Hi, who would I talk to about Pest Control at your stores?
Me: What geographic area?
Him: The Dallas Fort Worth Area
Me: Oh, we don't have any stores here. The closest store we have is in Houston.
LIE LIE LIE!
a) we do have stores here, in Duncanville
b) we don't have a single store in Houston

Oh dear. Then I said "Thanks" but that was a lie too. I didn't really feel very thankful for his call. Ugh. Stupid telemarketers.

Cade- day 2

well here's the truth #1
I'm trying to catch up on this blogging thing because I should have started it on Monday but now it's Thursday & I'm trying to recant all my lies during the week so that I can be on the same day as the rest of the bloggers!!!

Truth #2- so it's supossed to be Tuesday (but it's actually Thursday- forgive me if I've left out a couple of lies in between) so I came into work and I guess I like my boss.... ok again... lie... but a little white one.... yes he's also white... & Jewish. not that I have anything against white or Jewish.. I mean my birth cert. states I'm white.... & well "HE's" (my secret) white... but it's a pretty well known assumption that Jewish people are a bit tight & penny pinch. This happens to be true as he's joked about paying me by means of candy... um... not to mention I have to ASK to be paid... that normally happens 3 days, count them... 1, 2,3 days AFTER I've submitted my timesheet. & then of course I have to continue to remind him that he still hasn't paid me. Now I know I only work part time... but I put alot into a 5 hours day of work... I mean the man is quite messy..... I've cleaned house... & he complained about that too! ugh... is there any pleasing him?

Truth #3- Me & my SO(significant other) got into it about the parenting skills I have for / with my son..... I have to go to school now....
actually that's lie #4- I've been chatting w/ a friend on yahoo this WHOLE time & haven't been able to get her (you know who you are) to stop messaging me so I can finish this one....
so until tomorrow!

or maybe not.... lie #5
:)

Aggressive Truthisms

If I were to remove the filter between my brain and my mouth what would I say? and is it really necessary?

To the gas station attendent: What made you think that excessive purple eyeshadow coupled with glue-on rhinestones above your eyelashes was a GOOD idea?

To my boss: That seems like a lot of work on my part with no recognizable reward (what I said: Yes, I will take care of that)

To Mark: You know what I hate? when people (i.e., YOU) talk to me about their opinion while I'm trying to watch an 'objective' documentary

To President Obama: I would like to believe that you're going to do a fantastic job in office, but I honestly think you're going to screw it up

To the Walmart cashier who told me she wants to be a social worker: I hope you like the Walmart Cashier tax bracket. Cuz you're going to stay there if you become a social worker (oh wait, I DID say that.)

To my cousin, the preacher: Why do you do what you do, REALLY? I mean, you can't honestly think that you're doing something noble and meaningful and changing the world, when you're song leading at a tiny baptist church in a tiny Texas town, right?

To someone who shall remain unnamed: Why the hell did you choose what you chose when you had the world at your fingertips??

Jones - DAY 4

1/29/09 - Day 4 of Radical Honesty

So, today started off with a Radically Honest conversation with myself. What IS my problem? And why do I continually obsess over it? I ate half a box of Girl Scout cookies (Caramel Delites) and informed the receptionist that her assumption that I have my kids during the week is wrong. Their dad has them Monday evening-Thursday. It makes me look like a bad mom. Its not my choice and I would have it another way if I could, but I can’t, so I live with it. It annoys me when people ask me about it, and then look at me like I’m a crack-head mom for not having my kids full-time. “What did you do wrong to lose your kids?” their eyes seem to ask. Ahhhhh, this is one thing I claim exemption from on my blog. I will not discuss the custody case since it’s not over. Suffice to say – sometimes things work out differently than you planned, and I am NOT a crack-head. Or a prostitute. Or an abusive psychopath.

Cade- Day 1

Ok so I got sucked into this blog thing..... I've never done one before.. I just don't have the time... (so I think) maybe that's lie # 1 ?

Truth #1- I said "Sure I'll do it"- not really wanting to.

#2- I asked if I could use my previous day in order to start the blog with what I feel is one of my biggest lies... however it was found out & is no longer a lie/secret... but the fact that I wish to continue for "him" to be a secret & our communication is the problem.
so I sent "him" an email asking if he had left for his trip to India and if not might I be able to see him after class. I received a response from his iphone that he is in fact in India & will return on Feb.9th. So I was happy that I got a response but could have kicked myself for initiating contact.

#3- I have a yahoo account that my significant other is unaware of.

Ang - Day 3

Last night I had a true radical honesty challenge. The proverbial excrement hit the ceiling fan last night in the lives of some folks we know. I found myself on back-to-back phone calls with opposing parties aware that the possibility exists (a) that anything I said would be used against me, (b) manipulation was a strong possibility, and (c) I had voluntarily put myself in the middle of something I didn't want to be in the middle of. What do to? Be honest...but not quite radically honest. I didn't lie. I answered the questions that were presented to me honestly. I didn't leave much out (lying by omission) but I wasn't radically honest. So, failure one for Angela. 

Work today was uneventful. Lots of copywriting and editing and answering emails and writing emails. Fun. No temptation to lie, but also no opportunity to tell folks how I REALLY feel. 

Today at four we had the third interview for our foster care license. Lots of questions about discipline, if we will take children of other ethnicities, how we disagree; lots of measuring of rooms and testing of smoke detectors and getting the temperature of the hot water. Some more questions about our lifestyle. Will we feed the children meat and milk, and if so, will it be safe (i.e. not from our farm but from the STORE)? What is our plan for monitoring kids around the electric fence? A recommendation to store the hookah because "little kids won't know it is a hookah but they might think that it is just a big, pretty, expensive bong". Recommendations to lock the medicines and lock the power tools. No lies. No half-truths. 

Oh, I want this to get exciting. But do I?

You Found Me - the Fray

I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where've you been?" He said, "Ask anything."

Where were you, when everything was falling apart.
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.

But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
[ The Fray Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.

The early morning, the city breaks
And I've been calling for years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve taking all I want

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, Where were you? Where were you?

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.

Why'd you have to wait, to find me, to find me?

Joni - DAY 3

1/28/09 – Day 3 of 30 Days of Honesty Experiment

To tell you the truth, I thought this experiment would be more challenging and interesting than it is. I kinda hoped anyway. So far I haven’t had a reason or excuse to be radically honest with anyone except Mark and, while that is good for my relationship, it is also something I practiced frequently before the experiment.

The truth about me…
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder related to an event I can't even really remember. It affects my life. It annoys the hell out of me. Does that make me crazy?

I obsess over things – I think about them a lot , particularly mistakes made or choices that weren’t the perfect choice, because, really, if I’m honest with myself, I think I should be perfect.

I justify things – I justify things that I do. I am not a big believer in making excuses except unless they work. If giving someone an excuse works, then I’m for it.

The truth about me is that I’m confident on the outside. I’m not a jealous person by nature, so I guess that makes me a secure person. I don’t remember most of my childhood. I don’t know why that is, but it is. I don’t like to be confrontational except in a passive way – i.e., email – and usually only if the person cannot confront me back face to face.

The truth about me, if I’m radically honest, is that I’m terrified of abandonment and the first time it happened to me, I didn't know what to do. The truth about me is that I put way too much of my identity into the people I love and rejection from the people I love consequently screws with my identity. Which explains why I don’t love many people up close.

The truth about me is that I am more afraid of other people’s truths and I am of my own.

Joni - Day 2 Blog

1/27/09 – Radical Honesty Day 2

I must say I was disappointed today to only be able to use my radical honesty with annoying sales guys. However, taking a vow of blunt forthrightness has its plusses when I’m talking to annoying sales people:
“To tell you the truth, Joe, I lied to your co-worker when I told him that we were interested in your product… No, its not something that we would use here at all this year… Well, to tell you the truth, I had a conversation with my boss about this project and he told me it was useless, and you should know that we’ve both been wasting our time by pursuing it. I’ll let you know if I change my mind.”
Yes, that felt good.

But other than that, what have I had to be honest about? Only Mark last night – he discovered a distinct advantage of being on the observation end of 30 Days of Radical Honesty – namely, the ability to ask me any question and get a forthright answer (or a ruined experiment).

He started with the broad question, “Is there anything you haven’t told me or that you have lied to me about?”

Me: “Of course there is.”

Him: “Well, what is it?”

Me: “I can’t think of every single thing off the top of my head! Can you ask me something specific?”

Him: “Ok, have you ever purposefully put my recycling in a place that would cause it to go to a landfill and destroy the environment (i.e, the garbage)?”

Me: (Ouch. Yes, yes I have. And I’m not making an excuse for my abominable behavior, but my entire back closet is full of recycling that hasn’t been recycled, that we have been saving for months, some over a year! Not to mention the egg cartons we save ‘because they might be useful’, the egg SHELLS we save because ‘we are going to make chalk out of them’ (we’re talking dozens and dozens of egg shells!!!!), and various other, in my mind useless items. So, back to my response…) “Yes. Yes I have. At least twice that I can think of, I took as much recycling as I could carry to the dumpster. You were out of town or at least gone for a day or two. I’m sorry. “

Me: “Actually, scratch that – if I’m going to be completely honest, I’m not really sorry. I don’t like having bags of recycling crowding up a closet that I might want to store other stuff in. It annoys me greatly. And it feels good when I throw your recycling in the garbage because I feel convinced that it will never leave my closet otherwise.”

Me: “And, when I think I can get away with it, I throw your recycling in the trash can to begin with, when I empty the can or the bottle - and I throw away eggshells too. I just hide them under other things in the trash hoping you won’t see them.”

He looks genuinely hurt.
I feel genuinely sorry for him.

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Him: “You’re lying.”

I consider this.
Me: “Well, I’m sorry you’re upset about it anyway.”

Larger Truth for the Day: I quit 99% of things before or shortly after I start them. That is just an estimated statistic. But many or most things I quit before I give them a real chance (example: girl scouts, volunteering for various organizations, church (this go around), books I'm writing). Some things I quit before I even start - example, my detox. However, in some metaphorical way, I suppose I am doing my detox right now. Detoxing my system from the lovely life I have created with half truths, deception and white lies. :-)
The only way I keep myself from quitting is if I can lock myself into it somehow - for instance, if I borrow money for school and then I spend the money, I can't really drop my classes and pay back the money for that dropped class, right? :-) Its why I commit to things quickly when I make a decision. Even if I don't stick with it that long, I'm decisive, thats the truth. :-)

Ang - Day 2

I have come to the conclusion that if this experiment is going to be worth doing (and certainly worth anyone reading about it) that I have to have to (a) seek out more human interaction on a daily basis, and (b) actually get off my couch. Why? Because here's the radical honesty self-disclosure of a typical day: 

1. Wake up at 8:50 AM. 

2. Go to bathroom and brush teeth. 

3. Pet dogs. 

4. Put on a pot of hot water.

5. Sign on to the Internet and start work at 9:00AM.

6. Work from my couch. In my PJs. 

7. Worry. 

8. Eat the food and drink the tea that my wonderful husband prepares for me. Sometimes at the table. Mostly on the couch. 

9. Continue to work from my couch. In my PJs. 

10. Worry some more. 

11. Send about 50 e-mails to clients and co-workers.

12. Answer about 10 telephone calls, 4 of them from tele-marketers. 

13. Send personal e-mails and chat with my friends via G-Chat intermittantly throughout the day.

14. Check my Facebook as Internet access permits. 

15. Continue to work from my couch. In my PJs.

16. Worry some more. 

17. Take a shower around 5 or 6 PM and (a) get dressed if we are going somewhere, or (b) change into different PJs.

18. Eat the dinner and drink the tea that my wonderful husband prepares for me. 

19. Go to said meeting/appointment/engagement. Or, sit on the couch and read. Or, sit on the couch and work on my continuing education classes. Or, sit on the couch and watch a movie. 

20. Brush teeth. 

21. Go to bed. 

22. Lay there and worry until I fall asleep. 

There's just not a helluva lot of room for entertaining "radical honesty" to occur during the course of a day like that.

True to this, today there were only a few moments of temptation: 

1. I was feeling tempted to cancel my place at a seminar I signed up for in March. The temptation is to cancel and say it is because funds are tight and I don't have the money. This is partially true, but the real reason I am tempted to cancel is that I hate seminars where I actually have to TALK to people and, Jesus, DO GROUP WORK. This seminar by nature will require group work, talking, and signing up to "practice" in some intimate positions. Its a doula training. I didn't cancel the training and instead I confessed to a dear friend the real reason I was thinking of bailing. Turns out she was thinking of bailing for the same reason. And now we are holding each other accountable not to. 

2. Later in G-Chat.... same friend, different scenario. Asked me if I thought she should spend money on paying dues to do lots of things for her business. Instead of justifying by why the events would be good, etc. etc. I told her that if the only reason she wasn't going to do it was because she was gonna be cheap that she should do it. That she needed to invest in the business if she was serious about it. Not a difficult encounter, but honest nonetheless. (We're pretty good at this, she and I.) 

3. Talking about being a foster parent with my husband. Told him I was scared out of my mind. His response? "Good. You should be." Then I say "Well, should we still do this then?" "Yes. But it is good that you are scared." I think I am having the sudden realization that at least half of the time he is radically honest with me. Damn. 

4. Told co-worker I didn't start a project she was expecting me to do because I didn't know she wanted me to. Usually I blow sunshine up her ass. It was hard to say "There must have been a miscommunication, but I didn't realize you wanted me to do it before you got back with me with your feedback." 

5. In the spirit of Joni and disclosing large "truths"... I have realized that on some level I am sabatoging my own health the more I learn about nutrition and health because I am overwhelmed by how bad my health is. The more I learn and the more I realize what a healthy body should be doing, the more I realize how unhealthy I must be and how much damage my body has gone through. I realize how hard it is going to be to lose weight and be healthy for the first time in my adult life. I don't like this. I don't want to do all this hard work. I want a fucking quick fix. I wonder if I can afford HGH injections... 

6. It is like day 10 of "no sugar." However, I am being radically honest and saying that this is more like day 10 of no obvious sugar. I haven't had cookies, candy, soda, sugar in coffee or tea, etc. but I know there are things that I have consumed that have sugar in it. I feel like "no obvious sugar" is a definite step up from what I was doing two weeks ago, but in the spirit of honesty I have to say I am not totally, 100% sugar sober. 

I think that needs to be all for today because I am tired of writing about myself and I have a wicked headache. That and it is time to take a shower and change into my PJs. I've got a book to read. 

Peace out. 

JONI - Day 2 - Experimentor

So, today I read a post on my fB wall from my friend, Rick. He brought up an interesting point - is truth something measurable? i.e., the earth is round. That is true and proveable. But the fact that I love my kids may be no less true, but impossible to measure. So it brings me to the thought that HONESTY and TRUTH are different creatures. So, for my part in this experiment, I plan to be both honest and truthful to best of my knowledge. I will use as my guide the show "Moment of Truth." For those who have not seen it, they strap people to a lie detector and ask them personal questions and the lie detector states whether they are telling the truth or not. If a lie detector would say that I am telling the truth (honesty to the best of my ability) then I consider that a successful truth-telling.

Angela - Day 1

Today started with a series of e-mail messages from my boss that caused me to feel very defensive and powerless. I found myself wanting to reply with a shameful note justifying my behavior (I really DIDN'T do anything wrong, BTW), but instead I stuck to the facts and a simple "I'll let you know when I know something else." A good day to begin The Honesty Experiment. 

This is something I've wanted to do for a while (taking the leap to be radically honest -- can't say I really wanted to BLOG about it). I've been trying in little ways for over a year to tell the truth at work, which is the hardest place for me to do so because lots of things go wrong and there are lots of expectations and a good bit of my work is in tech support. You can't REALLY be honest 100% of the time and work in tech support. "Well, ma'm I don't know what in the hell is wrong with your computer, and I sure can't fix it over the phone." 

Truth #1 -- Borrowed from Friday because I am proud of this moment.

Friday was a good day. A client of ours called, after having talking with her supervisor and getting an answer she didn't like, to ask if I could set something up for her. I said "Well, Debbie, I feel like you are putting me in the middle of something here. I could set that up for you, but Brenda made the decision not to go in that direction, so that's what I need to stick with." I just didn't want to be in a "Mom said no, so ask Dad" situation.

Truth #2 -- Matt's feeling sick and he's been on the computer all afternoon. It is a usual practice of mine to ask "What are you doing?" several times a day just because I am nosy and because I want to make sure that he is doing something that I deem productive when I am working (I work from home).  So today I asked "What are you doing?" and he told me he was cleaning up files on the computer, blah blah blah and that it upsets him when I ask him what he's doing because he feels like I am trying to be in control of what he's doing, "like he's 12 or something." Touche. So, instead of responding with my usual "No, I'm just wondering..." line, I told him that I wanted to know because really was wondering what he was doing (i.e. because I am nosy) but also because it makes me mad when he's reading or playing on the Web or whatever while I'm working (i.e. because I am controlling) because I want him to do something productive. Duly noted. 

Joni - DAY 1

1/26/09 - Day 1 of the Radical Honesty Project

Woke up annoyed that I was late. Bought coffee before work, $1.25 that should have gone in the piggy bank. Oops. I’m terrible about impulse buying. I do it too much. While we’re talking of things I do too much, I also spend too much time on the internet. And I omit things. That’s the thing about me: it's not that I won’t give an honest opinion when asked – more that I omit things. Not that everyone doesn’t do that, really, but justifications aren’t part of the 30 days of Radical Honesty.

Told my best friend that I’m going to start this Radical Honesty thing. In the spirit of honesty, I tell her that I’m pretty sure my truth is like the dead sea scrolls – there are plenty of truths that aren’t part of the main “truth “ that everyone knows about me. She told me she already knew that but thanks for sharing.

Went home for lunch and told Mark that I’m doing 30 days of Radical Honesty. A concept he already practices freely, actually. He tells me that I’m coo-koo. I tell him that it really bothers me when he tells me that and it makes me feel like he really thinks I’m crazy. Radical Truth #1!! He just laughs. (Not really the response I was looking for). I then tell him that it really bothers me when he lets the dog eat off our bowls. My bowls, specifically, because, since he doesn’t wash dishes (EVER), I am the one stuck with washing off the dog slime. Eeeew. Neither honest confession was really received in a way that I was hoping for, but then, I’m really doing this for myself, not to get a reaction or elicit a change from the hearer of my honesty. So there you go. Every day I’m going to post three honest things here on my blog. Kind of my passive way of truth-telling (which I’m sure would be frowned upon by the leader of the Radical Honesty movement).

Truth #1 – I don’t like going to church because I’m afraid of the people there. I don’t want to get sucked back into a bad situation. I don’t want to be judged. And I’m afraid God is going to say something to me that I don’t want to hear. I listen with both hands over my ears (figuratively) so that I can block out anything I don’t want to hear. Because I don’t really want to change my life. And I don’t want to be hurt.

Truth #2 – I am afraid to have a career in writing, not because I am afraid I’m not a good writer – because my honest opinion of myself is that I think I’m a pretty talented writer – but I’m afraid because my writing can be so raw and open, I don’t want to expose a part of myself that intimate to the world. I edit what I show people. And I am afraid that if I were to try to write full-time, I would be a miserable failure at it, therefore failing at something that I feel right now I can’t fail at. My biggest passion becoming my biggest failure. Well, then, there you go.

I intend to blog everyday about my journey in Radical Honesty. Hopefully it will do something for me because, lets face it, honestly – do we ever do anything without hope for some kind of pay off?

Joni - INTRODUCTION

So, I'm going to be participating in the experiment as a truth teller.

The History:So, Radical Honesty. A radical concept. If you want to know where I got my “inspiration” (or flash of insanity, you might say) check out http://www.esquire.com/features/honesty0707. And also RadicalHonesty.com
My goal: 30 days of radical honesty. Telling the truth, no matter what, removing the filter between my brain and my mouth in some respects. Kind whenever possible, but honest nonetheless. This exercise will have two foreseeable consequences/results: 1) Possibly changing relationships around me. 2) Preventing me from doing things that I don’t want to tell the truth about.

Lets see how it goes!!

Welcome to the Honesty Experiment!

Beginning January 26, 2009, we are conducting an experiment on RADICAL HONESTY. Being honest regardless of the consequences. In our experiment, we have started out with 2 experimentors and 1 control.
The experimentors vow to, in the next 30 days, respond to every situation or conversation with complete honesty, regardless of the consequences to that honesty. We are going to blog about what happens every day.
The control is going to continue in her life as normal, however, she will be blogging everyday on the lies that she told out of convenience, fear or avoidance.
We will track our truths and lies so that we, at the end of 30 days, can hopefully see whether honesty truly IS the best policy!
Feel free to join us in this experiment! The more the merrier!

Joni, Ang, "Cade", and "Jessie"

More...

Sometimes life changes and the change is more beautiful than the vision.

Broken Dreams, Fairy Castles
Cotton candy in my mouth
Carousel of life – and the ride is not as smooth as I expected.

Floating melodies, a lullaby
Sleep comes gently.
Waking into harsh reality is such agony.

Whispered words, a best friend’s comfort
Holding hands in a daisy field
Carefree childhood, careless innocence - gone forever, in a moment.

Wide-eyed questions, muddy fingers
All is lost, but something gained.
Whispered words build star-lit castles – on the clouds, above the sky, destined to fall down.
Promise of failure.

Cotton candy – here one minute, gone the next
Wind blowing over grassy fields only sways for a moment.
Broken dreams and fairy castles and
the mosaic of the pieces is more beautiful than the dreams were whole

Musing on my life

I want it all.
I want it all in a red dress with high heels and diamonds
And dabs of expensive perfume behind my ears

I want it all
Lab coat and stethoscope for jewelry and a red clown nose to cheer on a little smile
Healing in my hands and heart
And an evening benefit to attend at 8 (what shall I wear?)

I want it all
Kid hand prints on the doors and underneath the light switch
Time to play and run in the field behind our house
That has no stickers
With our dog, Ranger

I want it all
Rosie my maid to pick up the laundry, but I want to do the cooking –
keep it real

I want it all
A writing cubby where I spit out my literary works
That touch peoples lives and change
Their perspectives
One wall orange. Just because.

I want it all
A window with a view of mountains and desert and ocean
And always a cool breeze blowing through
And soft music of wind in trees

I want it all
Two rocking chairs on a long front porch where symphonies of nighttime sound
And no mosquitos bite
An grandchildren clamber to hear the good-night story
And calls to come in for dinner ring in the neighborhood

I want it all
Is that so wrong?
Can I have it all? Probably not, but…does wanting make it morose?

©June 2003
Joni Hutchinson

Quote of the day

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Seen on a bumper sticker


I know over the past year, I have felt many times that life is speeding toward me and all of my energy is directed toward swerving, missing obstacles, and gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles, every muscle in my body taught and rigid with the stress of it all. Sometimes life gets that way for all of us, we’re barreling down the road toward our destiny (or demise) and we forget that one of the most beautiful parts of life is enjoying the drive. I would look at my friends, who were casually, one-handedly driving down the road, talking about the scenery and the stops along the way and would enviously think “Why am I always in the path of an on-coming 18-wheeler?” I never paused to think that maybe, just MAYBE, I’m driving in the wrong lane.

When everything is coming your way, maybe it’s time to pull off to the side of the road and take a pit stop. Regroup, take a look at the map, reconsider your route. And maybe when you pull back onto the road, you can drive on the RIGHT side of the road, remembering as you drive: even though the highway is mostly faster, the drive on side roads and trails make the journey worth it.

The Song Remembers When

The Song Remembers When - Trisha Yearwood

I was standin' at the counter
I was waitin' for the change
When I heard that old familiar music start
It was like a lighted match
Had been tossed into my soul
It was like a dam had broken in my heart

After taking ev'ry detour
Gettin' lost and losin' track
So that even if I wanted
I could not find my way back
After drivin' out the mem'ry
Of the way things might have been
After I'd forgotten all about us
The song remembers when

We were rolling through the Rockies
We were up above the clouds
When a station out of Jackson played that song
And it seemed to fit the moment
And the moment seemed to freeze
When we turned the music up and sang along

And there was a God in Heaven
And the world made perfect sense
We were young and were in love
And we were easy to convince
We were headed straight for Eden
It was just around the bend
And though I have forgotten all about it
The song remembers when

(Bridge:)
I guess somethin' must have happened
And we must have said goodbye
And my heart must have been broken
Though I can't recall just why
The song remembers when

Well, for all the miles between us
And for all the time that's passed
You would think I haven't gotten very far
And I hope my hasty heart
Will forgive me just this once
If I stop to wonder how on earth you are

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtrackin'
Around corners I have turned
Still I guess some things we bury
Are just bound to rise again
For even if the whole world has forgotten
The song remembers when

Yeah, and even if the whole world has forgotten
The song remembers when

New Year New Goals!

So, I was thinking about my goals for 2009... Generally I abstain from [public] New Years Resolutions because [generally] I'm terrified of failure and any symbolence thereof.

That said, I have made some New Year's resolutions this year:
1. Wear lipstick.
haha, I know, thats an easy one. But not one I really do currently. However, I recently got my hair cut very short due to a gross miscommunication between myself and the pro-cuts hairdresser (I shouldn't have believed her when she said after a quick glance at the picture that she knew 'exactly' what I wanted!)... I wound up with short hair. Boy short. not that there's anything wrong with that... but nonetheless, I am now a tall, slim, big eyed boy. With LIPSTICK.

2. Read more books. In 2008, I probably read about 6 or 8 books. Maybe more, since I read in spurts. Maybe more like a dozen. But I'm goaling (like that? I coined a phrase!) - I'm goaling for 1 book a month.

3. Do a full body detox. I don't want to use those nasty drinks to do it, I'm going to try the water and whole foods option. But it does include giving up some things I'm very fond of - you have to eliminate: processed foods (ok with me, I don't like them anyway), alcohol...(it gets worse), sugar!!, caffiene!!!!! and smoking. Oh dear. But I can do it for the limited amount of time it takes to detox, right?
How long does it take anyway???

4. Finish my degree. Only about 7 more hours to do that, so I think its accomplishable!! then I have to decide if I'm going to Nursing school or something. Deciding what to be when I grow up - forever my lament.


On a side note, I discovered something today in my early morning stupor. Something that has been lurking around for months in the shadows and I just haven't noticed or paid attention to... I discovered something that came to me and I can't place when I got it... PEACE. Yes, Peace! Really!

I remember a few years back, after a life lived with fear and apprehension and feeling so down and discouraged, I found hope in my closet. It was hiding, but when I liberated it, it brought me all manner of joy. I got a tattoo at that time, of the Japanese symbol for Hope on my stomach. Its my symbol, just for me, to remind me of what I've gained. I have said since that I longed for peace, and when it came, I would get the symbol tattooed beneath hope. Today, I realized, confident and smiling, that I have peace. Hope and peace. What more could you ask for?